


Oceans

by LerDan



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Bottom!Bucky Barnes, Bottom!Steve Rogers, Bucky call Steve 'doll', Bucky doesn't have his arm here but he is okay with that, Bucky has memory lapses here and there, Bucky is kinda experienced, Bucky loves a bunny, Bucky speaks in Russian, First Kiss, First Time, Flashbacks, Hand Jobs, I loved writing those tbh, I suck at writing so be gentle, It's filled with as much angst as I could get away with, Jealous Bucky Barnes, M/M, Mentioned Peggy Carter - Freeform, Pining Steve Rogers, Post-Civil War (Marvel), Rimming, Steve calls Bucky 'baby', Steve is pretty much a virgin here, Top!Bucky Barnes, Top!Steve Rogers, bi-Bucky, bi-Steve, but not a lot, kinda slow burn, mentioned Rebecca Barnes, pretty much picks up right after it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-10 06:10:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 76,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7833379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LerDan/pseuds/LerDan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky's expression shattered at the gesture and Steve took a deep breath. His chest was heaving with stuttered breaths. He felt like he was standing at the edge of a cliff and there was a deep ocean in front of him. If he jumped, he didn't know if Bucky was going to catch him. He didn't know if Bucky would wrap his arm around him and pull him back from his fall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, how have you been? I've been alright, I guess. I got married, my dad passed away, and during all that this story made an appearance in my head so I wrote it. yay me!
> 
> So first time writing Marvel related anything. Really. So if you won't get the Marvel action feely thingy from it, I'm sorry and you shouldn't continue reading it.
> 
> The story is complete. Like I'm not gonna change anything or any plot lines just cos you don't agree with what I wrote so fight me.
> 
> WARNING!!!  
> A main character dies at the end, so if it's one of your squeaks I urge you to not read this story at all. I don't have the patience with your squeakiness just cause.  
> If angst is your thing, WELCOME!
> 
> If you see any typos, tell me about it and I'll change it as soon as I can (although considering the other fanfics I've read and the amount of typos other writers get away with is astounding).
> 
> Bunch of technical and sciency and medical stuff that I wrote right outta my ass so if I got something (or everything) wrong, forgive me and close your eyes and move forward. If not forward, than backwards. It was nice having you around!
> 
> Special thanks to my husband for putting up with me and this story. Really. He's a godsend of patience and awesome support group.
> 
> Story cover is here: http://lerdan.deviantart.com/art/Oceans-629726605
> 
> Enjoy it, guys!
> 
> NOTE: Title taken from the song called "Oceans" by Seafret. Check it out, you'll get the feel of why I picked it :)

The way back up was torture for the both of them. Steve mostly carried his friend’s weight, while he tried to stay upward as much as he could. He would eventually wince if they had to go through narrow corridors, but other than that he was immobile.

The electrical buzzing of his shoulder was loud in here. It was already starting to get on Steve’s nerves, even though the adrenaline rush has left him after the fight. He felt drained, and numb.

As they finally made it back upstairs and out into the cold, Steve heaved out a sigh and looked around. The jet that they ‘stole’ to get here was still in the distance. With a great pull and a grunt, Steve pulled him up against his side and started towards it. His breathing was getting heavier and Steve felt like his heart was going to collapse by how shattered it sounded.

“C’mon,” he mumbled and they were close when he heard a crunch in the snow some feet away. He stopped dead and turned around. Only a short distance away, stood Natasha. She was in her uniform, and she looked tense, but at ease at the same time. She was squinting at Steve in a way that made Steve feel a bit shy, but still determined in his actions.

She sighed and started to walk towards them. Steve tightened his hold on him, a defense, rather than anything else. She rolled her eyes and said, “Get in the jet. I’m taking you to safety.” Steve stared at her for a moment and then nodded.

Once inside, she quickly started to get the jet up and flying in no time. Steve took his helmet off and dropped it to the side and raked his hand through his hair. He was so tired. It’s been a long day.

Steve walked them to the benches that they had in the jet and gingerly sat him down. He knelt before him and after a moment of hesitation cupped his best friend’s face in his hands.

Bucky didn’t look a day older since Steve saw him last. He looked exhausted, and his hair was longer, but he still looked like Bucky. He still wasn’t the man that Steve knew and loved in the 40’s, but this was his Bucky. Somewhat. _His_ Bucky was a fighter. _His_ Bucky was self controlled. _His_ Bucky was all charming smiles and wink here and there kind of a guy. Hell, Steve had been blindsided, more than once, by Bucky’s smile.

His heart beat so hard against his ribcage that he felt like he was going to have a heart attack. Bucky was out. Bucky was here. Bucky was in front of him. He could touch Bucky.

Bcuky groaned and frowned, clearly in distress. Steve’s throat tightened when he saw the expression. He moved his hands away from Bucky’s face and reached behind him to get the seatbelts around him so he wouldn’t topple forward and injure him some more. “It’s okay,” Steve shushed, his voice small and soft, when Bucky moaned again. “It’s okay. I got you… I got you.” He stared at Bucky before he stopped making a sound, and his breathing turned into normal.

Steve hesitated for a moment, before he stood up and walked towards Natasha. “Where are we going?”

“Safest place, for now,” she replied. She continued pressing buttons, while Steve frowned but didn’t say anything. He sat at the chair close by and stared at Bucky’s numb form. He sighed and placed his head in his hands. He didn’t know how to feel at the moment. Everything seemed overwhelming and he felt like he was about to cry, but he couldn’t will himself to. They had so much recovery to do. They had so many things to take care of. But he couldn’t think of anything, because his head was filled with two words; ‘Bucky’ and ‘safe’.

“Was it worth it?” the sound of Natasha’s voice brought him back to the present.

“What?”

“Was _he_ worth it?” she asked. She was never one to beat around the bush. Steve liked that about her, but at this moment, he would’ve liked her to use another approach. But she was blunt, so, Steve was stuck with that.

“Yes. He was worth it. He is.”

She didn’t reply to that. She just continued to fly the jet to wherever she was taking them. After a while, Steve felt the jet descending. He frowned as he stared out of the window and saw that they were in some sort of clearing in…somewhere. It didn’t have trees, or even water close. Just a lone looking small house. In the middle of a desert.

“Where are we?” he asked as she unbuckled her seatbelt and walked around Steve. She pressed the button to get the back open and walked out without answering. Steve frowned after her and after a moment’s hesitation, he walked towards Bucky and unbuckled him. His brow was sweaty, his hair was glued to his face. Steve tried not to worry too much.

“C’mon, Buck.”

Steve pulled him up and threw his good arm over his shoulder. They slowly made their way out of the jet and towards the house. Presumably, that’s where Natasha went off to, since there was nothing around them.

There were no stairs to take, thankfully, so it was easier for them to up them. The house in itself, was well built. When they went in, it was open to a big living room. Steve heard Natasha’s voice and followed to it.

“-to help. You know how he gets. He won’t leave his side. And he definitely won’t leave his forever ago, who was supposed to be dead, bff.”

“I don’t think I’m the right man for that, Nat.”

Steve frowned and walked inside another room, which looked more like a makeshift lab. In the center of the room was a large table that had scattered paperwork on it, and close by stood Natasha and Bruce. He looked different. He looked calmer, but with tiredness made itself known by the way he was a bit hunched over and the way his eyes looked small.

“Oh, Captain.”

“Doctor,” he said nodding. “Sorry to barge in on you like this. I didn’t know we were coming here.”

“Where else do you think I’d take your boy to get checked over when you royally fucked up with Stark?”

“Language,” Steve said automatically.

“Modest,” said a voice close to his ear and he turned his head to see Bucky squinting at him. There was a small smile playing at the corner of his lips.

“You okay?” he asked, disregarding Bucky’s comment. This was _his_ Bucky.

“Head hurts,” he mumbled and closed his eyes. Unconsciously, he leaned up against Steve, and Steve tightened his hold on him.

Steve took a steadying breath and looked at Bruce. “Please? We’ll be out of your hair when he’s stable.” Steve wasn’t one to beg. He never liked begging, but he was willing to turn the world upside down for Bucky.

Bruce looked at them for a moment and then sighed. “Okay. I’ll try my best. Get him here on the table,” Steve quickly made their way towards the table. “Nat, grab the blankets from the top shelf. I don’t think our guest would love the cold on his bare skin.”

Natasha did as she was told and quickly grabbed some blankets from the top shelf. She placed one on the table and held up the other one in her arms. Steve, already close to the table, maneuvered Bucky in a way so that he could grab him by the hips and place him on the table. He did so, and Bucky would’ve made some sort of joke at this moment, but he didn’t. He looked up at Steve with a glare, and Steve didn’t say anything.

This wasn’t _his_ Bucky now.

“Take his vest and shirt off and then lay him down on the table,” instructed Bruce, in a gentle voice. “I need to check how much damage has been done and if I can fix it with what I have.”

Steve did as he was told. He unzipped the vest first and gently took it off. Bucky started to breathe heavily again. Steve dropped the vest down on the ground and swallowed hard as Bucky winced a bit at the sound. He probably had a headache. Next was his shirt, which was a bit tricky to take care of without actually hurting Bucky more. He looked around himself, and when he turned to the other side, Nat gave him a scissor. He took it from her and started to cut off the shirt from Bucky.

Once he was done, he helped Bucky to lie down on the table, as gently as he could. Once he was down, Bruce walked up to the left side of the table and squinted at the remains of the metallic arm. Or more like metallic bicep, if Steve wanted to use the correct term.

“I’m going to need him to, uhm, wake up. So I’m going to stir him awake by this,” he brought up a small needle. Before he went even close to the opening of his arm, he said to Steve, “He’ll probably scream, or thrash, or even try to get away. Try to keep him still.” Steve nodded and placed one hand on his shoulder, and the other on his torso. Bruce turned to look at Natasha. “Nat, his legs. Please?”

She did as she was told and Bruce brought the needle close to his arm. When he went in, Bucky reacted the way Bruce predicted. He screamed in pain, his face turning red, and his veins popping. He tried to move away, tried to claw at Steve’s face, tried to punch him, but he had no energy in him. No strength to actually hurt.

“It’s okay, Buck. It’s ok. I got you, I got you,” Steve murmured close by his ear. Bucky yelled and growled so loud, that Steve was glad they were in a deserted area. His voice was almost animalistic. Brutal, and too hard to listen to. Bruce continued to work. Occasionally he’d grab something else from the tray and twist and twirl some things inside his arm.

Bucky wouldn’t stop yelling.

“Stop! Stop! STOP!!” Bucky yelled, his head thrown back.

“Can’t you do something against this?” snapped Steve at Bruce, who looked calm. As if Bucky’s suffering was nothing to him.

“I don’t know what he went through, what’s running through his system. I can’t give him anything without knowing if it’ll jeopardize everything or not,” replied Bruce in a steady voice.

“Хватит! Умаляю хватит! _(Enough! I’m begging you enough!)_ ” he was screaming in Russian now and Steve was at loss. He didn’t know what to do, he looked at Natasha, who was staring at Bucky with hard eyes. She looked unnerved. Steve felt his heart shatter.

“Я все сделаю как вы хотите! _(I’ll do anything you ask me to!)_ Please enough! Stop!” his voice was breaking, he was fighting against Steve’s relentless strength. He was fighting against his demons. This wasn’t _his_ Bucky.

Steve never felt this helpless in his life. He felt broken. Fragile.

“Bucky, it’s okay,” he said, his voice shaking. “Almost done. Almost there,” he kept saying over and over again. Even if Bucky didn’t stop yelling, even if he kept speaking in Russian.

Abruptly he stopped thrashing and was still. His breathe left him in a whoosh and Steve released him. Bruce took a step back and stared at him.

“What? What happened? Is he-Bucky? _Bucky?_ Can you hear me? What did you do? _What did you do?_ ”

“Nothing. I tried to-I tried to wipe it out, as much as I could.”

“’It’? Wipe what out, Banner?” asked Steve, he looked down at Bucky; he was staring right up at the ceiling. Unmoving. His lips shut in a tight line, eyes wide and unmoving.

“His program,” Bruce said and frowned. “It’s somewhere deep in his arm, some of it are out because of the blow. And there were some wires still intact so I thought I’d cut them out…”

“And you didn’t think for a second that it might be dangerous? You just went in?” he snapped, his rage skyrocketing by the second that Bucky wasn’t moving.

“Steve,” said Natasha in warning, but he ignored her.

“What were you _thinking_?” he asked, rage clouding his mind, and not caring that Bruce could Hulk out any second. But Bruce looked calm. Which pissed him off even more.

“Steve, listen to me,” Natasha was suddenly there, pushing him away from the table and forcing him to look at her. “Listen to me. He knows what he’s doing.”

She said and Steve stared at her with anger burning in his eyes. “What?”

“He knows what he’s doing, because he was already studying the Winter Soldier,” she said slowly and clearly.

Steve took a step back and he looked at her in confusion. “ _What?_ ”

“When he came back for you by the bridge, I dug out everything I could on him. I wouldn’t trust Stark with this information, so I gave it to Banner instead. His been researching nonstop since then. He knows everything there’s to know about his metal arm.”

“Side-effects?” he asked, his anger was slowly going away, being replaced with more exhaustion.

“I don’t know any. There wasn’t anything in the notes,” replied Bruce, voice laced with apology. “It only said that his brain and the serum that turns him into _this_ ,is mostly in his arm, closer to his shoulder. I went in there to turn it off, as much as I could.”

“Zemo would say some sort of code in Russian and he’d turn into Winter Soldier. Will that happen now that you’ve managed to turn it off?” asked Natasha, still standing close by Steve.

“I don’t know,” Bruce replied honestly, taking off his glasses and fiddling with it. “I have no idea what is going to happen after this.”

Steve dropped his head down in his hands and sighed harshly. He was tired. Too tired. He just needed to know if Bucky was going to be okay. He just wanted to know if everything was going to go back to normal. His best friend was alive. He wasn’t the monster that they fought earlier in the year, anymore. Steve just wanted _his_ Bucky to come back to him. He just needed him to be well.

He sighed again and looked up at Bruce, “Can you… I don’t know, can you try and cover his arm up?”

Bruce nodded and placed his glasses back on his face, “Of course. That’s what I was going to do just now.”

“Thank you,” Steve said and hoped that his voice sounded sincere.

While Bruce worked on his arm, Steve leaned against the table and closed his eyes. He didn’t know where the next location was going to be, but he hoped it was in a place where no one would bother them. Unless it was the end of the world. Literally. He just needed to be in a place where it was going to be only him and Bucky. He didn’t want anyone around. He wanted to take care of Bucky in any way he could. He wanted to help. Feeling this helpless was something that he didn’t like. He had to do something.

His next mission was taking care of Bucky. It was set.

It wasn’t like he could go back and be the guy who was all about freedom and saving people. He was a criminal now, and he didn’t have his shield. One object that he loved carrying was his shield. But Stark was right, sort of. It was made by his father, Howard Stark, but it was made specifically _for_ Steve. He had custody over it.

“All done,” said Bruce after a while. Steve turned around and looked at Bucky. His eyes were still open, but he was paler than usual. His face was covered in sweat and he was breathing normally. Steve checked his arm and noticed that a lot of it has been removed and it looked more like a shoulder than anything else. Bruce had it up in a black bandage.

“When do you think he’ll get back to normal?”

“I don’t know. Really, I wish I knew, but I can’t help you with that, Steve.”

Steve only nodded in reply. He stared down at Bucky and felt his heart clench again, felt the burn behind his eyes, but he didn’t want to have a breakdown. Not yet. Not now. He had to stay strong for Bucky. He had to stay strong for his best friend.

Both Natasha and Bruce stood close by, staring at Steve. They didn’t say anything. Didn’t know what to say.

Steve leaned forward, rested his forehead against Bucky’s and whispered, “Please don’t leave me. Not yet… I just got you. Please, say something. Do something… Please…”

Bruce looked down and blinked couple of times. Natasha stared at him, lips a hard line, a worry line on her forehead. She’d never seen Steve like this. She was unnerved. She didn’t like being unnerved. She knew that Bucky was someone special for Steve. Someone special with whom he’d never got the chance to… She knew what Bucky meant for Steve. A blind person could see it.

Steve Rogers was in love with his best friend.

An assassin, who killed people in cold blood and had no memory of doing so.

She cleaned her throat and said, “Maybe you should get something to eat, before we head out, Steve.”

“I’m not going to move from here unless he starts moving,” he said quietly, but firmly.

“What about your injuries? Don’t you want them cleaned up?”

“It’ll heal.”

Natasha wanted to protest, but Bruce nodded and pulled her out of the lab with him. Steve was all alone with Bucky.

He brushed his fingers through Bucky’s hair, played by the end of them. It felt soft, even if it was dirty. He remembered teasing Bucky when they were teenagers, when he wanted to grow it long for Sarah from the flower shop, and Steve teased him relentlessly about it.

“Shut up, I look cool like this,” Bucky said and Steve giggled at him.

“Yeah for a wet dog,” replied Steve. That earned him a smack on his head by Bucky. In the end he had to cut it because it turned out that Sarah was already a spoken for, so she was out of the market.

“You don’t look like a wet dog now,” he whispered, staring down at a scar close to his ribs. “Actually, you look like a wet rat now.”

“Still more attractive than you are,” came the low growled reply. Steve’s head snapped up so fast he probably got a whiplash.

“Buck?”

“Hey there, punk,” he growled again, and then coughed.

Steve’s heart rushed up into his throat at hearing his old nickname coming out of his best friend effortlessly. He felt like he was really going to cry right now. But then Bucky groaned and tried to sit up.

“No, no, don’t get up yet. Lay back down,” said Steve and pushed him down.

“You worry too much,” said Bucky allowing Steve to handle him.

“How long was I out?”

“How much do you remember?”

“I don’t… I don’t really know. Everything seems like a long-assdream, pal. I don’t know what’s going to come back to me, but I’m not rushing it.”

“Okay,” Steve said, nodding. “Okay. We’ll talk about this later, yeah? Not here.”

“Where is ‘here’ exactly?”

“One of the safe houses,” said Natasha coming back in the room, Bruce close by. “Natasha.”

“Bucky.”

“I know.”

Bucky tried to sit up and Steve helped him up. He swung his legs over the table and gently dropped to his feet. He swayed a bit, but Steve caught him. It was weird touching Bucky’s bare chest, now that he was lucid enough. When he was sure that Bucky wasn’t going to topple over, he took his hand back, but kept close just in case. “Where’s my shirt?”

“I cut it off. Bruce needed to see what he was doing.”

Bucky nodded and looked at Bruce. “Thank you, doc. I don’t think I can thank you enough.”

Bruce blushed a bit, and shrugged a shoulder. “It was no problem. It was rather interesting working on it. It wasn’t as complicated as I thought it’d be.”

Natasha rolled her eyes and said, “Ok, we should probably move, before this one geeks out too much and then we won’t be able to contain the _excitement_.”

“Nat,” warned Bruce, but he looked more amused than anything else. Bucky looked at them and then at Steve in mild confusion, but Steve just shook his head and he didn’t say anything.

Steve leaned forward and grabbed Bucky’s vest off the floor. “Is it cold wherever you are taking us?” he asked as he looked at the vest. He wasn’t sure how cold Bucky felt right now, and how he was going to react to the outdoors.

“Not cold,” replied Natasha. She walked out of the room and then out of the house. Bruce behind her.

“Where’s she taking us?” Bucky asked, frowning at the door.

“To a safe house.”

“Why?”

“I’ll explain it to you later when we get there, yeah?” Steve said and walked out of the room, Bucky close by. They walked as slowly as they could. Steve wasn’t rushing anywhere.

“Get where?” Bucky asked with a frown.

“Safe house,” Steve replied again.

“Right. You just told me that. Sorry.”

“It’s understandable, Buck. Don’t worry about it.” But Steve worried.

* * *

 

The flight to the other safe house took them around 30 minutes by the jet. It was another house, but this one wasn’t in a deserted area. It was right smack in the middle of the woods. Steve could hear a water running and he knew that it was probably a stream close by. Clean air fanned over his face and he closed his eyes for a moment and just enjoyed it.

When he opened his eyes, he saw that Bucky was looking at him. When Bucky noticed Steve staring he turned his attention back to Natasha, who was talking to him in rapid Russian. It didn’t bother Steve too much, but if they kept that up, he’d have to put his foot down. He didn’t speak Russian.

“Well, this is it. Careful what you touch inside. WiFi is working but I wouldn’t use it yet. It’s free. There’s a monthly worth of food stacked up in there. If you’ll need anything you can contact me on my phone and I’ll bring it to you.”

“Thank you, Nat. We appreciate all the help you’re giving us,” said Steve before he pulled her into one armed hug.

“Don’t mention it,” she said and pulled back from the hug. She then turned and stared at Bucky who looked right back at her, unflinching.

“Запомни что я говорила тебя _(remember what I told you)_ ,” she said in Russian. He saw Bucky straighten his back. What were they saying? “Oдин неверный шаг, и ты будеш желать что ты никогда не был рожден. _(One wrong move, and you’ll dream that you’ve never been born)_ ”

Bucky nodded his head as a reply. Natasha nodded back. She stared at Steve for a split second and then said, “Не пручини ему боли.” _(Don’t hurt him)_

“Я бы не мечтал об этом.” _(I wouldn’t dream of it)_

She seemed satisfied with his answer so she just turned around and walked back to the jet. She was about to go inside when she turned and said, “Don’t even think of wrecking up the place, Steve.”

“Why do you care?” he replied.

“Because it’s my place,” she answered with a smile and then she was gone.

Steve chuckled and shook his head. Leave it to Natasha to do this kind of thing for Steve. Despite being on the other side, she was still loyal to a fault to Steve. That was something else. Knowing that he was in a safe place, he started to walk towards the house. He was almost close to the door, when he realized that Bucky wasn’t behind him.

He turned around and saw that he was still standing couple of feet away from the house. “Buck?”

“What if I screw up?”

Steve stared at Bucky and then he walked back to him. “You won’t.”

“How can you know? I don’t… I can’t remember anything. I know that I killed a lot of people. I know it because I can feel it. But… I don’t think I’m going to fit in.”

“Trust me this was me when I first came out of the ice.”

“You…what?”

“Oh, Buck. There are so many things to tell and catch up on. So, are you in?” Steve asked with a quirk of an eyebrow. Bucky still looked hesitantly at the house and Steve sighed. He faced Bucky fully and then said. “Bucky listen. Last time was different. You had no one to take care of you. But now? Now you have me, and I’m not gonna go anywhere. Because I’m with you till the end of the line.”

Bucky’s face crumpled and he closed his eyes and breathed deeply. It was a lot for him to take, but Steve really meant those words whenever he’d utter them. It didn’t matter how many people Bucky had to assassinate. It kind of mattered, but at the same time it was for the good for humans.

After what seemed like five minutes of doing nothing but just standing there, Bucky breathed out one last time and he started towards the house. Steve followed, with a smile on his face.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every cell of his body screamed at him to lean forward, to brush their lips together, to kiss him senseless and wipe the ache that he was feeling right now. The longing that he was feeling for his best friend. The feeling of taking that first fresh air after being underwater for far too long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention in the first chapter's notes that the italized parts are all flashbacks/memories of pre-everything. Once again, I wrote it right outta my ass. So the dates are all made up by me. It doesn't follow the comics.  
> Enjoy :)

* * *

 

_**1940:** _

_Steve adjusted the collar of his smart shirt for what felt like 5th time in a span of 3 minutes. He was nervous. He and Bucky were going out on a yet another date with some girls that Bucky managed to land for the both of them. He was nervous because this was going to go in a same way as it did last time they went out on a date. The girl ended up leaving Steve stranded on the sidewalk in order to meet up with another guy._

_Steve didn’t really blame her for that. After all the other guy was built like a fancy brick_ _house. Steve on the other hand, still looked like a 13 year old. His growth_ _spurt stopped when he was 16, and he still had a baby face._

_The knock on the door made him realize that he’d been inside the bathroom for far too long. He took steadying breaths and opened the door and came face to face with Bucky; who looked like he was meant to be in a magazine._

“ _Nice,” he said, with a smirk playing on his lips. Steve rolled his eyes at him and walked towards his dresser to put back his clothes that were laying around the room haphazardly. Steve was wearing brown pants, shoes and his clean, carefully ironed smart shirt. His hair was combed in his favorite way; to the side, with a tad bit of gel in there_

“ _You always say that I look nice and I always end up coming home alone and with no girl,” replied Steve, his back to Bucky._

“ _Really? Come on, Stevie. It’s not about coming home with a girl. It’s about having fun and exploring.”_

“ _Yeah, you explore_ _enough to last you a lifetime, me, on the other hand…”_

_Bucky rolled his eyes and walked to where Steve was putting away his clothes. His broad hand landed on Steve’s shoulder and he gave a hard squeeze. “Here’s what we are going to do.” Steve turned and looked at him. The dim light of his bedroom didn’t do any justice to his eyes. Pale silver with green spikes. Steve felt, not for the first time, his heart skip a bit when Bucky stared right into his eyes. “If you don’t come home with this girl tonight, I won’t go home with the other one.”_

_Steve frowned at him and pursed his lips. “Seriously?”_

“ _Yes. I’m being serious here, punk. I’m not going to leave you stranded on the sidewalk like the last time.”_

“ _Or the time before that.”_

“ _Yeah, that as well,” said Bucky with a shrug._

“ _You’re being an idiot.”_

“ _No, I’m being there for my best friend,” he said and dropped his hand from Steve’s and looked at the mirror that was perched up against the wall close to the dresser. “Anything to keep you happy.”_

“ _You don’t have to sacrifice yourself like that.”_

_Bucky made a hand gesture that made Steve frown more. “This is no sacrifice, Stevie. We’ll buy cheap booze, come back home here, and get shitfaced drunk to the point where we won’t be able to remember our names. Okay?”_

_Steve hesitated and then smiled, “Yeah, okay.”_

“ _I look devilishly handsome tonight. You better not screw up.”_

“ _Jerk.”_

_Bucky gave him a big grin and they got ready to leave. When they were out of the door, Steve didn’t know where they were going, so he asked Bucky. “Where are we going?”_

“ _Dancing.”_

_Steve definitely wasn’t going to come home with a girl._

* * *

 

The house looked like it was out of one of those minimalist magazines that Steve would find in the markets. The living room was spacious and in off white colors. It had everything starting from couches and TV station with Wii and Xbox. DVDs and CDs were up against the wall closer to the TV. Steve was impressed by it. He turned around and walked a bit more to the far side of the room where the kitchen was. There was a bar that served as a separating mini-wall between them.

Steve liked this place. It was simple and vast. And it was only one floor. The room itself was facing the forest, and that side of the room was all windows so he could see the outside clear as the day. He looked up and noticed that the windows served as a half ceiling too, so he could see the sky too. It was a clear day here.

He turned around when he heard footsteps behind him. Bucky was standing just inside the front door, looking hesitantly around himself. His body language screamed of fear and aggressiveness. He was ready to fight if there was any threat. Something deep panged against Steve’s chest and he took slow steps towards his best friend.

“Buck?” he said softy. His friend’s eyes snapped up to him at the mention of his voice. “We’re safe here.”

“Where are we?”

“Safe house.”

“You told me this.”

“Yes, I already have,” said Steve patiently. Side-effects of the missing limb and program.

“Sorry,” he said and he relaxed a bit, but he hands were balled up in fists. He wasn’t fully relaxed then. “Your friend. The doctor…” Steve nodded and Bucky licked his lips. “He said, he doesn’t know the side-effects of this-“ he pointed at his left side, “-right?”

“Unfortunately, no,” said Steve. And it really was unfortunate because he didn’t know what Bucky was going to do to him, or to anyone for that matter.

Bucky nodded and walked a bit more inside. “Whose safe house is this?”

“Natasha’s. The woman that brought us here? It’s hers.”

“Have you been here before?” Bucky asked and his voice was coming back to normal. Steve didn’t relax fully at that. Anything could happen.

“No. This is the first time I’m learning of this place.”

“Do you think there’s a shower around here? And clean clothes?”

The question threw Steve off for a moment. He didn’t expect that. He blinked at him for a moment and Bucky stared back at him with his lips pursed and a small frown on his face.

Bucky growled and rolled his eyes, “I reek, okay? My hair looks like shit. I didn’t have a decent shower since forever, Rogers. And I’d really like to get out of this tight clothes.”

Steve blinked at him and then turned around trying to spot a door. There was a small alcove closer to the kitchen and he walked there, Bucky behind him. There was a small flights of stairs which led to the master bedroom. The bedroom was in beige colors. The bed looked grand and inviting. Steve remembered how tired he actually felt. But he needed to find the bathroom for Bucky. As he turned, he saw a door that led to the bathroom. Next to it was a door which belonged to the walk-in wardrobe.

“This place is nice.”

“I don’t think Natasha would have anything to do with this design,” Steve said looking around the bathroom and spotting the shower. He pointed out the shower and Bucky quickly walked towards it. “It’s more Stark’s style, than hers.”

Bucky nodded and chose not to reply. He fiddled with the shower and got the water running in no time. Steve walked inside the wardrobe. The clothes were all for men. Steve frowned and looked around himself. There were sneakers in what looked like his size and most of the shirts that were on the racks would fit him and Bucky easily. There was a sticky note attached to the mirror. Steve walked to it and took it off. It said; _I had some of my clothes moved out of there and got men’s clothes here instead. I hope they’ll fit. Don’t think about it too much, Rogers. Nat._

Steve sighed through his nose, but he brushed them back. He was wearing black sweatpants and a black plain t-shirt. He looked fresh and clean, but he didn’t shave. Steve didn’t even ask him why not. He wasn’t sure if he’d like to hear the answer to that.

“I’m making fish, just as I predicted. And spinach, if you like?”

“Yeah, I like,” he replied. Steve went back to work, and he cracked his neck. He wouldn’t mind taking a shower as well, and get clean clothes on too. But he had priorities. Eat and feed.

“You know,” Bucky said and his voice was a lot closer than Steve was ready for. “I can look after this while you go and shower.”

Steve turned his head and looked at Bucky. This close, his eyes looked brighter. With as much humor as he could muster right now, he said lightly, “What, are you a mind reader now as well?”

The reaction that he received from his best friend wasn’t the reaction that he expected. His face closed off and his expression looked pinched. He shook his head minutely and looked down at the floor. Steve turned his head and looked down at the fish. It was almost ready to be served. But he felt awkward and…dirty. So the shower sounded like a nice escape. “Well, it’s almost done. I won’t be long.”

He waited for Bucky to nod and then he left. He felt like smacking his forehead with a bat, repeatedly. How careless could he be right now? He should seriously consider having a working filter from brain to mouth. He couldn’t afford being this way. He should be more sensitive when it came to Bucky. Once inside the bathroom he stripped off his clothes and got inside the shower. The cold water felt nice on his skin for a bit, but then he turned the water to warm and got fully inside the ray. He dipped his head forward and willed his muscles to relax.

When he opened his eyes and stared down on the ground, he saw blood being washed away with the water. He needed to take care of it once he was done.

* * *

 

When he got back to the kitchen, wearing black sweats with a gray t-shirt, he saw that Bucky was sitting by the kitchen table, facing the entryway. The fish and spinach placed in another plate in the middle of the table. There was a bowl that held summer salad. Steve raised an eyebrow. He was sure it hadn’t been there when he was searching the refrigerator for food. Another plate held cheese. One plate was placed in front of him, and the other one was right beside him. Two glasses of water were in front of the plates.

Bucky looked up as he saw him coming and blinked couple of times. “I thought I’d set the table and wait for you.”

Steve looked at him for a moment, and then nodded. “Thank you.”

Bucky didn’t say anything. Steve walked to the table and sat beside him. “Did you make the salad?” he asked as he peered inside. The vegetables were cut unevenly, but he didn’t care. It looked delicious. Steve looked at Bucky, who nodded his head as a ‘yes’. Steve didn’t say anything. He just smiled and started to dig in.

Halfway through, he noticed that there was a good one feet gap between them. Bucky didn’t want to be disturbed while he ate. Steve understood. They ate everything that they could in front of them, both hungry and ravenous.

“It’s good,” Bucky mumbled through a mouthful of food.

“Thanks, I didn’t know if you’d like my cooking.”

“No, it’s good. Really,” he said and got some more fish from the plate.

“Natasha thinks it’s too dry. Doesn’t have a taste to it.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and didn’t reply. Steve was staring. He knew he was. He couldn’t help himself. Here was his best friend, who was supposed to be dead, but wasn’t. Eating his cooked dish and thinking that it was good. The man who killed hundreds of people, loved it. For all Steve knew this was probably the first normal meal he had since everything started. So he didn’t say anything else, and let Bucky enjoy it.

Once they were done, Steve cleaned up while Bucky went to see what else they had in the fridge. He pulled out a box which held chocolate pudding. He looked at it and then up at Steve and quirked up an eyebrow, a silent question. Steve nodded. Bucky lift up the lid a bit more, tore it off and then placed it right smack in the middle of the table. He went around it and sat opposite their chairs. Steve grabbed two forks from the drawer and sat opposite him.

They ate it in silence. It was probably because the adrenaline has left his body fully, because now Steve could feel every bruise and cuts he had all over his body. He winced couple of times when he was chewing, there was a cut right next to his eyebrow. He could feel a bruised muscle close to his rib-cage making itself known. He sighed and played with a peace of chocolate that was inside the cake. Bucky stopped eating and stared at him for a moment, he mouth in mid-chew. He swallowed and said, “You okay?”

Steve looked at him and nodded. Bucky didn’t resume his eating and waited for him to talk. So Steve said, “I just have a bruise here and there. Nothing that won’t go away by morning.”

“What about that cut?” he asked, looking straight into Steve’s eyes. Steve felt trapped but at the same time, he felt at ease. Because Bucky was concerned.

“It-It’ll heal,” he stuttered. He cleared his throat and looked down at the cake, still fiddling with it.

Bucky placed his fork down and stood up and away from the table. Steve watched him cautiously. He went out of the kitchen and turned right. Steve strained to hear where he went off to. He wanted to go after him, but Bucky was back even before he made a move to stand up. There was a white box in his hand and Steve saw that it was a first aid kit.

“How did you know there was a kit?” he asked frowning, placing his fork down.

Bucky placed the kit close to Steve’s elbow and waited for Steve to turn around. He did, and he licked his lips as Bucky opened the box and rummaged in it for a bit. “While you were showering,” he said casually, “I went through the cabinets in the bathroom, and I found this there.”

“You were in the bathroom while I was showering,” it came out more as a statement than a question.

“You still hum while you do your hair. And you still suck at it,” Bucky said, casually. Almost too casually.

Steve stared at him with his mouth hanging open like a fish. He knew that it was one of the most unattractive faces he could ever make, but he didn’t care. Bucky remembered something from their past. They used to live together when Steve’s mother passed away and Bucky had no one. When Steve would shower, he’d hum for himself. Few times, he got caught by Bucky while he did so, and all those times Bucky would tease him.

Hearing Bucky say these things, made Steve feel a bit overwhelmed by everything. He shut his mouth and stayed still. Bucky got everything out from the box and when he was about to clean up the cut close to his eye, he hesitated.

Steve stared up at him, while he stared right back down. Steve took a deep breath, released it, and said as softly as he could, “I trust you.”

Bucky’s carefully neutral mask faltered a bit, but he shook his head. He nodded and started working on his face. Steve sat completely still. He didn’t even dare to breathe too sharply when it stung. He didn’t want to freak Bucky out. Whenever Steve would get into a fight, Bucky was there to pick him up.

Suddenly, Steve felt overwhelmed and he closed his eyes. He concentrated on his breathing, on the feeling of Bucky’s fingers working on him. On the warmth and the sparks that he’d feel every time his finger would make a contact with Steve’s skin. His heart was beating wildly in his chest. He was trying, and failing, to concentrate on his breathing, but he couldn’t.

Bucky was alive. Bucky was in front of him. Bucky was taking care of him.

“Done,” he said. And if Steve heard a slight gruffness to his voice, he didn’t say anything. He opened his eyes and his breath caught. Bucky was close to his face. Too close. Almost to the point where Steve could feel Bucky’s breathe fanning over his face. Involuntarily, Steve looked down at Bucky’s chapped lips and back up into his eyes, and swallowed.

Every cell of his body screamed at him to lean forward, to brush their lips together, to kiss him senseless and wipe the ache that he was feeling right now. The longing that he was feeling for his best friend. The feeling of taking that first fresh air after being underwater for far too long.

It would be so natural for him, to lean forward and kiss him. To feel those chapped lips against his own. To run his hand through Bucky’s hair, push and pull. To hug him close to his chest and never let him go.

But he didn’t act on his feelings. He didn’t do anything. Instead, he cracked a small smile and whispered a thank you. Bucky gave him a nod, turned and started to put away everything he took out. He threw out the unnecessary stuff. He then walked around the table and sat on his chair, to finish up his cake.

Steve swallowed hard and shook his head. He was being stupid. He was being an idiot. If Natasha were here she’d role her eyes at him for being this way, but she wasn’t here. And it was his life and his choices. If he chose to suffer like this, then he would suffer like this. No one was going to tell him otherwise.

When they finished up the cake, cleaned and put away their utensils, and threw the now empty box in the garbage can, Steve went in search for another bedroom. Maybe there was a hidden alcove or something that he had missed when they first got in. But there were none. There was only the one bedroom here. With one big bed. Guess he was sleeping on the couch tonight.

He went inside the bedroom and then into the wardrobe and rummaged around a bit. He found spare blankets and clean sheets in one of the drawers. He grabbed them and walked back to the living room. When he dropped the blanket down on the couch, Bucky was standing close to the windows, looking out and into the wildness around them. Steve hesitated for just a second, but he went and stood beside his best friend. On his right side.

The sky turned dark, it seemed like it was going to rain. Bucky looked tense. Steve could feel it, even if Bucky didn’t say a word to him, Steve knew it.

“We are safe here,” he said softly, but surely to his friend. “We are deep in the forest. No one can find us, unless they’ll physically walk up the long path and actively search for us.”

“How do you know they won’t?”

“Because I know Natasha. And I know she already took care of it,” this, he was sure about. Unless there was an immediate danger to them both, Natasha wouldn’t bring them here in the first place. Because she knew that Steve wouldn’t like it very much if they were betrayed. She wasn’t one to betray them. She helped them, more than once today.

“Do you trust her?”

“I do.”

Bucky’s shoulders relaxed a bit and Steve stifled a yawn. He needed to sleep for bit, or he would drop dead right here. He looked back at the couch and back at Bucky’s profile. His hair has been long dried by now, and it looked soft to a touch. But he didn’t touch. He had no right to do so. They were friends. Nothing else. He had it back behind his ear. His scruff looked itchy, but he didn’t say anything. Steve knew he was staring. But he couldn’t afford himself to not stare. This was Bucky now. He needed time to get adjusted to the fact that this Bucky was different from the one that he knew back then. But it didn’t stop him from loving him less.

“You’re tired,” said Bucky.

“Yeah,” he said and stifled another yawn. “I’m taking the couch. The bedroom’s yours.”

“Steve.”

“No arguing, Buck. Please.”

Bucky didn’t look at him, he only nodded in agreement, and pursed his lips. Steve, satisfied with the answer, walked to the couch and got everything ready. Once it was done he sat down with a groan and laid down with a sigh. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He opened his eyes again and craned his head back to look at Bucky, who was still standing there, unmoving.

“Bucky?”

He turned his head to the side, acknowledging Steve’s voice, but didn’t turn fully to him. Few minutes passed in silence, and then Steve heard him heaved a heavy breathe out. Steve frowned and he almost contemplated getting out of the couch, but then Bucky spoke. “It’s going to rain.”

“Yeah, it seems like it,” replied Steve, too tired to follow what’s happening.

“I hate the rain,” said Bucky, but Steve was already half-asleep.

“Go to bed, Bucky,” mumbled Steve and he was out cold in a heartbeat.

But Bucky stood there, looking straight ahead, face pitched with worry, mouth a hard line of tension. He was afraid to leave the living room. He needed to stay here. Steve was here. He had to stay here to protect him, if there was some sort of attack while they were both unconscious to the world outside of this house.

So he stood there for more than four hours. Even when it started to rain, and the thunder made Bucky’s skin crawl, he stood there and stared out and waited.

He waited for an attack. He waited for the lightning bolt. He waited for the rain to grow heavy. He waited for Steve’s snoring to turn into soft sighs. He waited….

“Я не могу спать ( _I can’t sleep_ ),” he murmured to the quietness of the room, and the storm outside.

Bucky Barnes hadn’t slept a wink since 1945.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup. That's how our Stevie pines. Poor guy.  
> Let me know what you think!
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I trust you,” he said again, with as much confidence as he could muster.

* * *

 

The next morning Steve woke up with a start. It took him a moment to register where he was and why it was so bright. He blinked couple of times, straining his ears to hear any out-of-place sounds, but when he was greeted with the quietness of the room and the birds chirping in the distance, he relaxed back down on the couch and sighed. He felt well rested despite sleeping on the couch.

He stretched his arms over his head and then slowly sat up, swinging his legs over. He rubbed his hand over his eyes, fighting off sleep. He yawned and stood up. He walked the small distance from the couch to the bedroom where the bathroom was. He took care of his business, washed up, and he was about to leave the bedroom, when he stopped short. He frowned and turned around and stared at the untouched bed. Blinking couple of times, he went back into the bathroom and looked around. Thinking that Bucky was probably there and he was still sleepy. But he wasn’t there. He checked the wardrobe. Nope.

Steve’s frown only deepened when he made his way to the kitchen but found that it was empty too. He blinked couple of times, adjusting his eyes to the brightness of the whole place. He spotted bread crumbs on the kitchen counter and frowned. He remembered cleaning up after themselves yesterday night. He didn’t leave out any bread, or not cleaned up the counters after they were done. He was sure, because he was sure of it.

It took him few seconds, but when his brain finally woke up, he started to panic. A fear clenched roughly on his gut. He tried to breathe calmly but he couldn’t. Bucky was gone.

Maybe yesterday was a dream? Maybe he dreamt that he had Bucky back in his life? He swallowed and walked up to the front door. He opened it and stepped outside; he was greeted only by the forest and the dark trees around the house. He went back inside and closed the door after himself with a bang. “Bucky?” he raised his voice a bit. Maybe he was hiding somewhere that Steve couldn’t see?  _We can hide in plain sight_ , Bucky said once to him and Sam. Maybe Steve was being an idiot and was too sleepy to actually notice him.

But there was no response. He walked to the big windows and stared out. There was no one, but the forest. Again. They were, after all, in the middle of nowhere, in some sort of forest. He licked his lips and walked to the glass door at the far side. Sliding it open he stepped outside and breathed deeply. Despite his panicked brain, he still liked breathing the fresh air of nature. It calmed him down a bit and made him think.

Where would Bucky go? There wasn’t any hidden places in the house. None that Steve didn’t know of. Hidden places… Steve stared at the forest ground a bit more closely and when he squinted, he could make out a path that led right into the woods. So he took it.

He walked, with confidence, maybe with a bit of an anger in his step because ‘ _really Bucky you couldn’t even leave a note?’_ He was trying to keep calm, really. He walked for about 5 minutes, and the trees started to thin and then he was standing in front of a small pond. The sunlight streaming down at it from above, making it glow. The soft breeze of air ruffled the trees and the sweet nature air in the air made Steve take a deep breath. He enjoyed the view for only a moment, before he turned around to try and see if Bucky was here.

He was. Bucky was sitting at the far side of the shore, under the trees, back leaning up against the bark of a big and old tree. His hair was obscuring half of his face, and he looked even more tired. His legs were bent and he was resting his arm on his knees. He was staring intently at the water. Steve followed his gaze to see what was so fascinating about it.His eyes landed at some ducks swimming about the water. Steve stared at them, and then back at Bucky, and frowned _ **.**_

Despite the fact that Bucky looked tired, he also looked relaxed. As if being there was the best thing that could happen to him right now. Something tugged at Steve’s heart at the thought. He slowly made his way towards him and when he was close enough Bucky’s eyes left the water long enough to look at him, but then he was back staring, without a hint of an emotion on his face, at the ducks.

Steve sat beside him on the ground, sighing out as he leaned back against the bark of the tree. For a moment, they didn’t say anything to each other. They just sat there and stared at the ducks.

“You worried me,” Steve said, still looking forward.

“Sorry,” Bucky mumbled. He reached in between them and picked up something from the ground. Steve noticed that it was bread. Now he understood the crumbs on the counter.

“Did you sleep?” Steve asked, fearing the answer, but wanting to know.

Bucky seemed to hesitate for a moment, enough to make Steve to look at him. He was tossing the bread to the ducks, one by one. Steve nudged him on the side, and Bucky exhaled heavily. He shook his head in reply.

“How long?” he asked, his voice low and gentle as if if he spoke any louder, Bucky would leave. He wasn’t going to risk that.

“Too long,” he replied. Steve stared at Bucky’ profile; he had his hair looped under his ear, the other side lying over his face, the breeze moving them about. His stubble looked rough to the touch, but Steve didn’t touch. He could take care of it, but it seemed like Bucky didn’t want to. He had bags under his eyes. His eyes were bright under the sun; the green of it more pronounced than before. His lips were chapped. Bucky never had chapped lips. They always looked soft and plush. They would look like that if Bucky would start taking care of himself again.

It was as if the fight had left his body, permanently, and he was trying to make him look as unattractive as possible. Let him rot in his own misery and sadness.

To Steve, Bucky would never look unattractive. Even now, he was the most beautiful person he’d ever laid his eyes on. He’d do anything to see Bucky smile his full smile. The smile that broke so many hearts when they were younger, got them out of trouble, got Steve out of fights that were bigger than his boney wrists.

“Do you want me to shave you?” the question left Steve’s lips so fast that it surprised them both. He snapped his mouth shut and turned his head to the other side, fighting off an embarrassing blush that threatened to overpower his whole face and neck. He knew how awful his blushes looked.

“Uhm…” came the reply. And Steve prepared himself to leave, but then there was a hand on his forearm, and he stopped. He swallowed and turned to look at Bucky. Bucky was biting down on his lower lip. His eyes were roaming over Steve’s face, searching, calculating. And then he said, “How did…why?”

“Why, what?”

“Why do you want to shave me?” he asked. His voice was gruff and soft. Steve felt the familiar shiver run down his spine at the sound of his voice.

“I just… I don’t know. It looks uncomfortable, so I thought, I don’t know. It’s ok if you don’t want to,” Steve rumbled on, trying to make sense of the whole ‘ _why_ ’ right now, but he couldn’t. Because he had no idea he was going to say that in the first place.

“Yes.”

“Huh?” _S_ _mooth, Steve._

“Yes. To the shaving,” Bucky said slowly. “It better be you. Safer that way.”

Steve looked at Bucky for a moment. He knew what Bucky meant without even waiting for him to explain what he said, Steve knew. So he nodded and stood up. He held out his hand and offered it to Bucky. He took it, and Steve pulled him up to his feet. They made their way back to home, not hurrying at all. It was a nice weather outside, after all. And the forest felt too good to be anywhere else than here. Bucky seemed to enjoy the shadowed parts the most, so Steve would stir them both in those directions. When Bucky caught up with what Steve was doing, he let out a chuckle, but didn’t say anything.

That small sound made Steve’s heart sing. He was completely smitten. He was going to hell for thinking of his best friend in this way. But at least he felt relaxed and content with the way he felt towards his friend. So long it was a secret and Bucky didn’t freak out over it, he was good.

Once back at home, they got to the bathroom and Steve got out everything he’d need to shave his friend. Bucky was sitting uptight in his chair, hand balled up in a fist, jaw clenched tightly. Steve was proud of Bucky for trying so hard right now to be good. And he was trusting Steve with something that he could easily hurt him. Knowing that Bucky had this trust _only_ for Steve, made his heart swell up and heart beating a bit faster than average. He felt privileged, and yet…

“I’m going to apply the cream now,” he said, his voice was low. The water was running, warm and fast on the background but the boys paid no attention to it. They were staring into each other’s eyes. Steve, patiently waited for a confirmation. Bucky, feeling self-conscious and scared for everything wrong that would go right now, nodded his head.

“I trust you,” he said again, with as much confidence as he could muster.

Steve didn’t say anything, he merely started to do his job. He added the cream with the big brush first and then he used his hands to smear it up a bit more. At Steve’s hand touch, Bucky’s eyes shuttered closed and he started to breathe calmly. Steve swallowed with a click. He felt nervous when he cleaned his fingers and then took the razor.

“Buck, I’m going to shave you now,” he said, his voice was soothing now. Bucky’s eyes snapped open and he glared at him for a few seconds, before he blinked couple of times. Recognition shined through them and Steve released the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. Bucky stared at him, and then nodded. Steve nodded back and started on with his work.

Bucky’s eyes didn’t close after that.

Steve worked very slowly, dragging the razor on his skin, cleaning it under the water, and doing it again. By the time they finished it was already afternoon. Steve woke up a bit late than his usual time. He grabbed a small towel, ran it under the warm water. He twisted it from both sides and placed it on Bucky’s face. He could feel Bucky melting at the sensation.

“Feels good, right?” Steve said, with a small smile playing on his lips.

“Very,” Bucky mumbled. His eyes were drooping and he seemed too tired to even pick up his head. Steve was just holding his head up so it wouldn’t drop down. “Where did you learn to do it?”

“Internet,” he said simply and Bucky chuckled.

It wasn’t a full body laugh that Steve knew all too well, but still, the sound made his insides somersault. He added a bit of aftershave once he was done. He looked paler than usual, Steve noted. Bucky was a pale person, but not this bad.

“You okay?” he asked once he stepped back and placed the towel by the sink.

Bucky looked at him and nodded. “I’m just tired.”

“How do you rest?” he asked, hoping to know more about Bucky’s life. This life that he’d been living for years now.

“I don’t,” he said. He hesitated, and then added, “The only rest I’d get was when they’d put me under for cleaning.”

Steve didn’t need to ask what he meant by that. His jaw clenched and his hands balled into fists. He wanted to find everyone that did this to Bucky, resurrect them, only to kill them again. He was filled with so much anger when it came to the safety of his best friend, that he didn’t notice Bucky standing up and placing his hand on his arm. He blinked at the hand and then back at his friend; whose expression was a careful mask of indifference.

“I’m fine now, okay? That’s all that matters right now,” Bucky said. Steve sighed and looked down at their feet.

“I just… I never wanted you to go through any of this, you know?” he mumbled, shrugging.

Bucky’s hand tightened on his and said, “We never knew what was going to happen to us, even back then. Can’t blame yourself or anyone for that.”

“There’s only one person that I blame and they’re not alive to know how angry I am,” Steve said angrily. He closed his eyes and breathed out, calming his frayed nerves. No one deserved to live in a way Bucky was living right now. Bucky’s hand moved up to his elbow and Steve opened his eyes to stare at him.

“I know,” Bucky whispered, a small frown appearing on his forehead. “Even if they were alive, I wouldn’t let you be bothered by them.”

“Why not? Aren’t you angry at them? For what they did to you?” Steve asked angrily. His heart was beating fast in his chest, his hands were shaking with restrain. How could Bucky be so calm about this whole thing? It was beyond Steve’s imagination. If he were in Bucky’s place he’d still be angry.

“I made peace with them,” Bucky replied, his hand still not leaving Steve’s elbow. Steve didn’t really want to pay attention to how it felt being touched by him. If he would, Bucky would’ve been pushed up against the nearest surface and…

He shook his head and stared at Bucky with pursed lips. “They knew no peace, Buck.”

“Yes, I know, but it doesn’t change anything for me to be angry with them, right?” he asked. “What’s the point in being angry with the dead? They’re dead. I won’t be seeing them anymore until…whenever that time may be.”

“Yeah I know, but-“

“No buts, Steve. Please. I’m… I’m fine.”

Steve knew that he was lying because he didn’t look fine. He looked exhausted, as if the fight has left his body fully. As if he’d want nothing but be able to sleep for the rest of the week. Steve didn’t blame him for looking like this and probably feeling this way. He would too.

“And besides,” Bucky continue, a small smile playing at the edge of his lips, “You got to see my handsome face after all these years.”

That relaxed Steve’s tense body a bit and he rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah,” he said with a shrug.

“What? We both know I’ve always been the handsome one out of the two,” Bucky said. He took a step back and checked Steve out. Wait, he was checking Steve out? Involuntarily Steve felt self-conscious and tense at the scrutiny of his friend’s eyes, but he shouldn’t have. Maybe it was the little love that he felt for his friend that was making him this way. “Well, now, I’m not so sure about that.

“What?” Steve said with an almost hysterical laugh leaving his lips. “Don’t be an ass. You’re still the handsome one. Girls are probably throwing themselves at you as we speak.”

Bucky stared at him, then stared around the bathroom and then at where his left arm was supposed to be, and raised an eyebrow. “Hmm… I wouldn’t say that.”

Steve closed his eyes with a groan, “Oh God, I’m an idiot. Sorry, Buck. I just meant that… You know, given our history, you were always the one that would get us out of any trouble. Like with the way you looked and talked and moved, you know? I didn’t mean to offend you in any way. I just… You were always the one who got us out of trouble. I was skinny back then, and shorter and had that awful hair and I didn’t know how to form two words together and know when to shut up whenever I’d start talking. Please tell me to shut up before I’ll go on and embarrass me even more.”

Bucky had his hand over his mouth, his eyes were wrinkling at the sides and they looked bright. He was smiling behind his hidden hand. Steve’s heart clenched. He wanted to reach out and see that smile, but he had no right. He just had no right. He could do it, he could take the risk of being punched and bruised if he stepped out of line, but they were still _new_. They only spent a day here and Steve didn’t want to ruin things for them. He hoped that someday he’d have that easy access, without the barrier of friendship wall between them.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky said, and there was a restrained mirth to his voice. “I just love riling you up like this. I haven’t seen you this flustered since the 40’s.”

Steve rolled his eyes and pushed away from the sink. He cleaned up the razor and put away the other things. He placed the towel in the laundry basket and walked out of the bathroom. Bucky following him. Steve could hear that Bucky was trying not to laugh at him, but Steve didn’t have the heart to tell him to cut it. He loved hearing that sound, so he ignored Bucky as much as he could as he started to rummage around the refrigerator for breakfast. He was going to make pancakes with chocolate chips inside, which would melt Bucky’s heart. Bucky was a sucker for chocolate.

Steve just hoped that he still was. So much to learn about this new Bucky...

* * *

 

**1941:**

“ _C’mon Steve. Don’t be like that,” Bucky whined behind him as Steve stormed through his building’s hallway towards his door. “I swear I didn’t know I was going to pass. Honest. Listen to me.”_

_Steve didn’t listen to him. He opened his apartment’s door went inside, and walked into his bathroom. He slammed the door shut and locked it behind him. Leaning against it he closed his eyes and tried to calm his racing heart. He heard Bucky moving around the apartment, placing the key on the table, doing this and that._

_There was silence, and then Bucky knocked on the door softly. “Steve? Stevie, pal, listen I didn’t know I was going to pass. I swear. Had I known I would I’d never apply.”_

“ _So you knew that I wasn’t going to pass? Again?” Steve said angrily to the door. His fists clenched in anger. How dare Bucky say these things to him? Who was he to say that?_

“ _That’s not what I meant, and you know it!” yelled Bucky through the door. He sounded angry now. Good._

“ _I don’t care. Go away Buck. I don’t wanna talk right now.”_

“ _I can’t leave,” said Bucky. His voice was back to normal. He was probably the only person who would never stay angry at Steve longer than necessary. It calmed Steve down. “I can’t leave without you, punk.”_

“ _But you are,” replied Steve. His eyes watered at that and he fought off the urge to actually cry. “You are leaving me.”_

“ _I won’t. I prom-“ Bucky sighed harshly. There was silence and then he knocked on the door again. “Stevie? Please open the door, I can’t have this conversation with the door.”_

_Maybe it was the way his voice sounded when he called him ‘Stevie’ that made Steve actually open the door. He unlocked it and opened a fraction. Bucky was standing there, both hands placed on either side of the door, head hanging between them. He looked frazzled, with his hair a mess, and his shirt unbuttoned. “Oh,” he said with a big smile on his face, as Steve opened the door. “There you are.”_

“ _Talk,” said Steve softly._

“ _Ok. Look. I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t know I was going to pass this time. I didn’t know I was going to be sent out in 2 days-“_

“ _2 days?” interrupted Steve. He didn’t know it was this soon._

_Bucky shrugged. “War doesn’t wait, punk.” Steve didn’t know how to react to that. He stared at Bucky and tried to memorize every inch of his face. Bucky continued, “I didn’t know, ok? I want you to know that I would’ve stopped everything and demanded they let you pass too, if I had the power to make such amends.”_

_Steve hesitated, then walked out of the bathroom, ducking under Bucky’s arm, which was still on the wall beside the door. He dropped it and walked after Steve. “Yeah,” said Steve, calming down considerably. “I know. I just… I don’t even know.”_

_But he knew why he was acting this way. He knew what was wrong. Heavily hiding under all the anger, and the need to go and serve his country, to fight for its freedom and protect them all, was the fact that he fell for his best friend._

_Being a queer in the 40’s was frowned upon. People were getting arrested for being seen holding hands with another person in public. Brothels were being shut down because they had people working there who’d sleep with the same gender as they were. It never bothered Bucky that there were queer people around. He never once said anything against them. He’d see these things happening, purse his lips, light up a cigarette and joke about something else entirely._

_But the fact that Steve couldn’t act upon his feelings towards his best friend was a fear that Steve never wanted to touch anytime soon. He didn’t want to lose his best friend. Even when he had nothing, he had Bucky._

_Instead of saying these things to him, Steve looked at Bucky and sighed. “If you even think of dying, or throwing yourself off a jet without a parachute, or getting captured by the Nazi scum, I swear you’ll get hell when you get back.”_

_Bucky laughed at his friend’s nervousness and took couple of steps forward. He placed his broad hand on Steve’s shoulder and Steve could breathe again. “You’re something else, Steve Rogers.”_

“ _I’m serious,” Steve said and stared right into Bucky’s eyes._

_Bucky’s full smile left his lips and there was a small one, playing at the corners. “I know, Steve.”_

“ _Promise me.”_

_Bucky turned to him, placed his both hands on Steve’s shoulders, and stared into his eyes. For a moment he was silent, didn’t say anything but stare at his friend. Steve’s heart was in his throat, his mouth was dry from their closeness, and he didn’t know what to do with his hands. So he ended up placing them in his pants pockets. Bucky cupped his face then and Steve felt his breath get clogged up in his throat._

“ _Steve Rogers,” Bucky said, his voice firm, but soft. “I promise you, I will get back home whole. To you. I’ll get back home to you, without missing a limb or a hair from this head. Satisfied?”_

“ _Very.”_

_Bucky smiled at him, the crooked smile, “Come here.”_

_Bucky pulled him in for a hug and Steve let him guide him. He wrapped his arms tightly around his waist, and closed his eyes as his head rested against Bucky’s chest. He took a deep breath and held on to this a moment as much as he could. He didn’t know when he’d be able to hug his best friend like this._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading :) Reviews are always welcome!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky being cute with the bunny.

* * *

 

 

_**1930:** _

_The kid had his chin tucked under the bulky scarf that his mom insisted him to wear because it was snowing like crazy._ _He had his hands in his pockets as he made his way down the street towards the sweets shop. He managed to sneak some coins from his mom’s purse for chocolates._

_The kid was just about to pass another alley when he heard bangs and laughter. Out of curiosity, he stopped and turned to see what the commotion was about. There were 4 boys there. They looked a bit bigger than his age, and they were bulky and looked stupid. He frowned when they jabbed at each other and pointed at something that he couldn’t see. He walked down that alley, without even a second thought._

_When he got closer enough he could hear a voice say in meek voice; “Please. Give me back my coins. I need them.”_

_The bulky kids all laughed at whoever spoke. One of the goons said, “If you want your money back, fight us for it. At once.”_

_He frown deepened at that. That didn’t seem like a fair fight now, did it?_

_He hadn’t realized that he spoke out loud, because the minute the words were out of his mouth, the bulky and stupid looking boys turned and looked at him. They all had identical idiotic faces. “And who the hell are you?” said one of them._

“ _I’m the guy who’ll kick your asses if you won’t leave my friend alone,” he said with as much conviction as he could muster at that moment. He was going to get his ass served if these idiots decided to actually attack._

“ _You can’t beat us,” another one said._

“ _You can try. I know how to fight. My dad’s in the army, you see. So I know a trick or two,” he said, shrugging his shoulders and trying to look as calm and collected as he could. Just like his dad taught him._

_The boys stared at one another and they all shrugged at once. “Whatever. He was getting pretty tiring as it is.”_

“ _He doesn’t even know how to talk without even stuttering his way through his words,” replied the other. They all guffawed as if they were the funniest people in the world. He just stood there and glared at them._

“ _I’m not going to say it twice; Leave. Leave now if you know what's good for you.”_

_After another minute of heated debate on whether they should just go or not, they finally went away, but not before throwing the coins in the garbage can. They laughed and left the alley._

_He sighed and turned around to see who was at the end of their bullying, and blinked. It was only a kid. He had dirty blond hair, big blue eyes with lips that were a bit bigger than his face. He was underweight, really, really skinny, and tiny. And he was holding a trash can lid in his hand as a shield to hide in front of him._

“ _That army thing will never get old,” he said, smirking._

“ _Are they gone?” he asked. His voice was quivering, just like the rest of his body._

“ _Yeah,” he replied. “They won’t hurt you.”_

_The kid dropped the lid and rolled his eyes. “I’m not afraid of them.” He kicked at the can to topple it over and started to rummage through them for his coins._

_He stood by the side and stared as the kid slowly found some of his coins. Taking pity on him, he dropped to his knees and started to search for them as well. “Do you always get into fights?”_

_He shrugged. “I usually don’t start them. They think I provoke them by merely existing. Just because I look tiny, doesn’t mean that I’m not tough to fight any one of them. I’m just an easy target.”_

_He nodded and they were silent for a while. They finished searching for all the coins and the kid counted them slowly, making sure he got all of them. “Good?” he asked._

_The kid nodded. “Yeah. Thanks,” he replied and looked up at him._

_The kid’s eyes were as blue as the sky above; although it was pretty cloudy today. “Not a problem. I’m Bucky, by the way. Bucky Barnes.” He held out his hand for him to shake._

“ _Steve Rogers,” the kid-Steve-replied shaking his hand. For someone who was this tiny, he had a firm grip._

“ _So, Steve, where are you headed?”_

“ _To the pharmacy. I need to get a medicine for my mom. She is sick.”_

_Bucky didn’t say anything to that. A lot of people were getting sick these days, but the way Steve was talking, it seemed like it was more than just the flu._

“ _I’ll walk with you. I’ve to go down the street anyway.”_

_They started walking. “Someone sick?”_

“ _No, I just need some chocolate,” Bucky said with a slight grin. “I love chocolates.”_

_They made their way to their destinations, respectively, and before they parted Bucky said. “I live about 3 blocks away from here. I’m the one with the red door. Come to play with me anytime ya want, okay?”_

_Steve looked at him for a moment. He was silent, hesitating, and then he gave a small nod and Bucky grinned. He loved making new friends. “I’ll see ya around, Stevie.”_

“ _Bye, Bucky.”  
_

* * *

 

They were back by the pond again. It’s been a week since they got to the house and there was nothing to do. Really. The place was nice, true, but they would get bored fast. They’d play video games, read some of the books, cook, and watch movies. Steve would sleep on the couch while Bucky would stare out of the vast windows of living room.

It would bother Bucky that he was still sleeping on the couch. But Steve refused the bed. He wouldn’t be able to sleep in that big ass bed all alone anyway.

They were lying down on the grass and staring up at the cloudy sky. At least there wasn’t much of sun showing, because they would’ve been squinting up otherwise, and they wouldn’t have been doing their favorite activity since they were kids.

Trying to shape the clouds to look like objects.

“That one looks like a dog.”

“I think it looks like a wet rat.”

“Wet rat? How….? Oh. Hmm… yeah no, I don’t see it.”

“You’ve always lacked the imagination, Stevie.”

Steve turned his head and stared at Bucky. “I’m the artist in this ship. You take your talk about imagination to another neighborhood.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and pursed his lips in mock frustration. “Stevie, Stevie, Stevie… You’ll never become an artist if you keep that attitude up,” he said. “Be more vicious with what you believe in. Maybe then…”

Steve chuckled and turned his head to look at the sky. “I never did.”

“Hm?”

“I never became an artist. I have done some rough sketches during the few years that I came back to…life,” Bucky’s carefully sealed wince wasn’t gone on Steve. But he didn’t say anything about it. “I have them saved up…somewhere. I don’t know where I left my stuff.”

“Maybe at SHIELD?”

“Probably,” he said with a shrug. He didn’t really care who’d see his sketches. He just hoped that it wouldn’t make the papers. High hopes and all.

“Were they private stuff?” Bucky asked. Too casually.

“Some of them are private, yes. Just some scenarios that I’d want to share…but it’s no big deal,” he said shrugging. He could feel Bucky was looking at him, but he didn’t dare to look at him. “And besides,” he continued lightly, “They won’t recognize the people in them.”

“How so?”

“We’ve changed, Buck. We have changed a lot.”

* * *

 

It started to rain in the evening. Heavy drops of rain splattered against the windows and the ceiling. Steve started a fire in the fireplace, because it got chilly there. He was bundled up to the brim. It wasn’t like he could get really cold, but he liked the idea of being under 2 warm blankets.

Bucky, however, stayed in his t-shirt. He was sitting on the couch, TV’s sound turned all the way up. He had a slight frown on his face. Whenever the storm would pick up, or if there was a thunder booming on the far side, he’d clench his jaw tightly and would ball his hands into fists.

Steve noticed it, but he didn’t comment on it. He knew what Bucky was going through. He went through the same thing when he came out of ice. Every noise were like gun shots, bombs being dropped all around, the sound too loud and the rain would wash away the blood…

It didn’t bother Steve as much anymore. Listening to the thunder, the rain, he felt almost relaxed. He was sitting on the ground facing the window when Bucky lowered the volume and said, “Is there an umbrella here?”

Steve frowned at the question and turned around to look at him. “Umbrella?”

“Yes. You know the thing that you place over your head to shelter yourself against the rain?” He said sarcastically, eyes rolling as he stood up.

“I know what an umbrella is, you idiot,” said Steve raising his eyebrows in surprise.

Bucky smirked and said, “So, umbrella?”

“Can’t you see?” asked Steve, looking unamused, but inside he was…well, he didn’t even know what he was by this point. “It’s by the door,” he mumbled and slumped back down.

He heard Bucky walking to the door and taking one of the many. Then he walked to the kitchen and placed it on the table. Steve turned around to look at what he was doing. He rummaged around there then he produced two large oven pans. “Do you use these?”

“Uh…no. Not really. Why?” Bucky didn’t say anything as he placed it on the table close to the umbrella. He then started to rummage through the cabinets and pulled out bread crumbs. Steve knew exactly why he’d use these crumbs before (he’d seen Bucky do it for a week now), but it was storming out and he had no idea what was happening.

“Bucky?” he asked tentatively, when Bucky placed the bread next to pans.  He looked up and stared at Steve. His face wasn’t guarded and Steve’s heart lurched. “What are you doing?”

“Uhm…” he said and then frowned, mask slipping back in. “I need something to take care of.” He frowned and then went to the bedroom. Steve heard some shifting from there, doors being opened and closed, and then Bucky came out with two thick towels over his arm.  “I’ll be right back.” And he then grabbed everything off the counter, it took him a bit more than it would have if he had both of his arms, and left the house.

Steve scrambled up to his feet and looked out the windows to see where he was going. Bucky went straight through the small path they made for themselves to go to the pond. Steve frowned and without hesitation, went to the front door, grabbed another umbrella and walked outside.

Besides being the way he was, it really was cold.

He opened the umbrella and walked into the woods. It didn’t take him long to get to the pond and spot Bucky, even if it was raining really hard. He frowned as he saw Bucky stop in front of his tree, the ground was the flattest in the clearing. He dropped everything he was holding in his hand and grabbed one of the pans. He stepped back and stared at the ground.

The rain was heavy on them. It was loud and vicious and Steve had to squint to see what was happening. Bucky was already soaked through, but he didn’t seem to care. He took couple of steps forward to take a better look.

Bucky held the pan in a sideways position and with one quick move, he had it in the ground. He did the same with the other one. The pans were situated across each other. He next grabbed the towels off the ground and dropped them down on the floor. He crouched down, fiddled with the edges a bit and then stood up. He grabbed the umbrella next, opened it and placed it right in the middle. The pans were holding it up and it created a bit of a shelter.

Steve knew that he was gaping like a fish by this point. Because Bucky was…he was amazing. He just made a shelter for some sort of animals. And then Steve’s heart melted into puddles of goo when he saw what Bucky was bringing in. Steve must’ve been busy to actually process the fact that Bucky just left and came back with something in his arm, and he didn’t even notice it.

In Bucky’s arm, there was a tiny ball of white fluffiness, a bunny. Bucky just made a shelter for a freaking bunny, because it was raining crazily. Bucky placed the bunny inside the bundles and he stayed there for a few, just petting and murmuring something that Steve couldn’t hear over the rain.

Steve thought his heart was going to burst from the love he had for his best friend. He took couple of more steps forward and he was standing beside his friend. But he didn’t look at the bunny. He was just staring at Bucky’s profile. His hair was wet and clinging to his face. His lips were pursed into a firm line and he was staring at the bunny, who was sniffing at the towels suspiciously.

“I didn’t know there were bunnies around,” Steve said conversationally.

Bucky sniffed and blinked, and then said gruffly. “It’s just him around. I saw him wandering around the other day. Approached me for some reason, and I’ve been looking after him for couple of days now. Along with the ducks.” He pointed to the far side of the shore for Steve to see them, cuddled up against one another under a tree.

“Won’t they need a shelter like this too?” he asked. Bucky shrugged in response.

“They don’t really get cold,” Bucky said hesitantly, as if he was unsure of his answer. “I mean they’re cuddled up already. And they are in the water most of the time. I got them their bread. Hopefully they’ll eat. And this little guy here,” he pointed at the bunny who was lying down on the towel, eyes wide and staring, “has no one. So I thought I’ll take care of him as well.”

“That’s very thoughtful of you, Buck,” Steve said with a sigh. He was feeling breathless, his heart was rapidly beating up in his chest and he didn’t know if he should cry or just hug this man in his arms and never leave him.

The storm picked up after that and Steve moved closer to Bucky to get him under the umbrella. Bucky looked up, surprised. Steve brushed his shoulder against his and Bucky looked at him with wide eyes. His lips were a tight line, and they looked a bit blue. His hair was still sticking to his face, and Steve… Steve took the chance of brushing it up against his head.

He heard Bucky’s breath stutter in his chest, lips parting open as Steve’s hand brushed over his head. His eyes closed to the touch and it felt like he pushed a bit against Steve’s hand. His hand started to shake at the gesture, so he did it again, and saw Bucky physically pushing his head up to get more of Steve’s hand. Steve slowly let his fingers to graze Bucky’s forehead, temple, and then he cupped Bucky’s cheek with one hand. Bucky shuddered at that.

Steve’s mouth was dry, his heart was hammering against his chest, and he felt a lump in his throat. It would’ve been so easy to just lean in and kiss those plump, wide lips. So easy to just let himself fall, not knowing if Bucky was going to catch or not. At this point, the ache was too strong for him to care too much, but… he didn’t do it. Didn’t want to make things awkward between them.

Bucky took a step forward and Steve felt his hand on his waist. It was a small touch, not fully grabbing, resting on the side of his hoody. Steve could feel the heat radiating off from his hand, and he fought a shudder of his own. Bucky’s eyes snapped open and Steve felt his breath leave his body fully. His eyes were more silver at the moment, then they ever were. Steve felt the need to be closer than ever, but he didn’t move. He just suffered, with his hand on Bucky’s cheek, thumb caressing his cheek while the other hand held up the umbrella over their heads.

Steve knew that he was going to die a painful death. And this was probably the worst way to go. Sure, they were close, but at the same time, Steve wanted to pull and push for more.

He swallowed with a click and leaned forward, he saw Bucky closing his eyes, and lips parted on their own. He rested his forehead against Bucky’s. Their breaths, shuddering, mingled

between their faces. Steve moved his hand to the back of Bucky’s neck and gripped at the hair there. While Bucky wrapped his arm around Steve’s waist and pulled him close with a strength that equaled Steve’s.

“C’mon, Steve,” he mumbled, his face pressing in closer with Steve’s. Steve closed his eyes and tightened his hold on Bucky’s hair, shuddering from head to toe. His head didn’t register what was really happening, he felt lightheaded and dizzy. Bucky was so close. Closer he’d ever been in his life. And Steve was drinking in every second of this moment, trying to grasp at it as much as he could. “C’mon… do-don’t leave me hanging here.”

And then Bucky sneezed.

Steve’s eyes flew open and he pulled his head back. He stared at Bucky’s face, and he frowned. Bucky looked pale, his lips blue, and he was shivering. His face was cold. “Buck?”

But Bucky didn’t answer instead he blinked at Steve, dazedly. Steve’s warning alarms went off and he barely had time to throw the umbrella away and move his hands to catch Bucky, before he swayed and lost consciousness on Steve. “Bucky? Babe? What’s wrong?”

He got no answer. Steve, heart beating wildly in his chest, leaned forward and scooped Bucky up in his arms, bridal style. He ignored the overturned umbrella on the ground and made his way back to the house.

Steve was soaked through by the time he made it back home. He quickly made his way to the bedroom and to the bathroom. He gently laid Bucky on the floor and started the warm water in the shower. He then went to the cabinet and rummaged through them to find something with a strong smell. He grabbed random bottles and shoved them close to his nose to take a whiff. When he found what he was searching for he turned around to get back to Bucky, but he was already blinking and glaring at nothing. He dropped to his knees close to Bucky’s chest and leaned over him.

“Hey, you with me?” he asked, trying to keep his voice calm.

“Head hurts,” Bucky mumbled and tried to sit up.

“Woah, woah. No. Lay back down, you can’t get up yet,” Steve said, gently pushing Bucky back on the ground.

“What happened?”

“We were by the pond and you kinda fainted. I brought you back to the house. Now you’re on the bathroom floor, while I’m hovering over you,” Steve said, his hand now resting on Bucky’s forehead.

“Worried?” Bucky mumbled, his eyes were getting dopey.

“Extremely,” Steve replied and that earned him a small smile.

“I’m okay, Stevie,” Bucky mumbled. “I’m okay.”

Steve didn’t say anything. He petted Bucky’s head and stared down at his face. His heart wasn’t beating that bad anymore, but his mouth was still dry from worry. They were probably in this position for 20 minutes, when Steve pulled back a bit and nudged at Bucky.

“Buck? You gotta get up, man. You gotta take a shower and get in that bed while I make you something warm.”

“I don’t wanna,” came the petulant reply, but Steve shook his head with a chuckle.

“C’mon up, you big baby. Come on,” he stood up and grabbed Bucky’s hand in his and helped him up. Bucky swayed a bit and Steve held him up against his chest. “You good?”

Bucky nodded and grimaced as he started to take off his shirt. Steve helped him with that. “Steve?”

“Hm?”

“Can you… I mean, if it isn’t a bother, can you help me out here?” Bucky asked, indicating the black patch on his shoulder. He always had to change it into the waterproofed one, and Steve was always willing to help. So without a reply, he helped him change the patch.

“You good to go in?” he asked as he stepped back and looked at Bucky.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Even though Bucky didn’t sound convincing to his ears, he let it go and walked out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

Before leaving the bedroom he turned up the heater to get the bedroom warmer. He walked back towards the wardrobe and changed into dry clothes. He grabbed some warmer sweats for Bucky and left. He placed the clothes on the bed and walked out of the bedroom and to do kitchen. He quickly peeled off the potatoes and carrots, dumped them in a small pan. He added some water on it and started to heat them up.

He heard the bathroom door being opened and closed. He heard shuffling around the bedroom and then few seconds late, Bucky emerges. His cheeks were flushed from shower, and his hair’s wet. He had the sweats that Steve picked up for him. He rubbed a hand over his eyes and walked to the refrigerator. He grabbed a bottle of cold water and chugged the whole thing in one go. His eyes looked tired, his body was slouched forward. Steve had never seen Bucky to look this…sick.

Being on Super Soldier Serum had its perks; they’d never get sick. But here Bucky was, looking sick and tired. Steve thought he was going to die from a heart attack with how much his heart always stuttered worryingly when it came to Bucky and his health.

“You alright?” he asked, how voice light.

“What are you making?” he asked instead, inspecting the pan.

“Soup for you,” Steve held up a finger when he saw Bucky opening his mouth. “Nuh-huh! No. you aren’t allowed to tell me what _you_ should be doing instead.”

Bucky opened and closed his mouth several times, in the end he huffed and leaned against the counter, close to where Steve was. Steve was glad for the small gesture, but he didn’t dwell on it. Bucky still looked a bit paler than usual. Steve brought his hand up and placed it on Bucky’s forehead. Bucky’s reaction was fast, he pushed his head forward, trying to feel more of Steve’s touching, it seemed.

Steve swallowed through the lump that was probably permanently stuck up there. He took a step forward and moved his down Bucky’s face and placed it at the back of his neck. He rubbed the skin there and Bucky breathed out a sigh of relief. “Feels good,” Bucky mumbled. Steve didn’t say anything, but he kept it up.

After a while he had to let go because he had to add some more ingredients to the soup. When it was about ready, he turned to look at Bucky, who seemed to be falling asleep where he stood. But he knew, somewhere behind that mask, Bucky would never fall asleep.

“Bucky, go to the bedroom and I’ll be there in a second,” he instructed and Bucky did as he was told. It seemed like he was too tired to even argue with Steve. He was glad for it. He didn’t want to fight with Bucky at this moment.

There was a bed tray at the bottom cabinet, so Steve reached down to grab it. He placed two bowls of soup there, one for him and one for Bucky. He placed some bread too, and walked to the bedroom. To Steve’s relief, Bucky was under the blankets, his back against the headboard. The bed was being used for the first time since they got here, and Steve couldn’t help, but imagine how it’d look if they were both in there…

Steve shook his head and walked some more into the bedroom. He placed the tray on Bucky’s lap and sat down beside him, grabbing his own bowl of soup. They ate in silence. Bucky would occasionally sniffle, but Steve didn’t say anything about it.

Once they ate and were done, Steve grabbed the tray and left for the kitchen. He placed the bowls in the sink, the tray in the cabinet, and placed away the breads that they didn’t even touch. When he went back to the bedroom, Bucky had slid down the bed and was relaxed into the pillow. Steve smiled at that and he made his way to the other side of the bed, in order to speak to him, but…

Bucky was asleep. Soft puffs of air were leaving his mouth and he was hugging one of the pillows really close to his face. His mouth was open, and there was drool involvement there. But he didn’t care. Bucky was sleeping. His heart swelled because he felt really happy for Bucky. He needed that sleep since forever. He needed to relax. And this was the perfect opportunity for him to do it. So Steve let him sleep.

But he was worried. Really worried. He was worried about Bucky’s health and how he seemed to be really weak these days. He needed to know some answers. He wanted to know it now. So he went to the front door’s cabinet, and pulled out a phone for emergency calls. This was an emergency.

It was time to call Natasha.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna need you guys to be more vocal about the chapters. Please and thank you...


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No one’s going to hurt you. Not ever. Not under my watch. Okay?”

Two days later, Steve was waiting outside of the house, with his arms crossed across his chest. He had a slight frown on his forehead because of the sun. And also because his best friend was still in bed, sweating the sheets away. His hair matted from sweat everywhere. He looked paler than usual. It worried Steve to the point of no sleep at all. He’d be in the bedroom, sitting on the bed close to Bucky’s head, hands hovering over his body. Trying to keep him calm whenever he’d shake from being cold. Or from nightmares. Or both, really.

Steve had to coax Bucky up to eat some soup, even if to drink some water. He’d end up puking it out all over again. He looked small, somehow. Smaller than usual. It worried Steve a lot.

The familiar whooshing sound of the jet made Steve look up and halt his train of thought. The jet landed smoothly on the concrete and a moment later, the back door opened.

Natasha came out first; she was wearing black jeans, and a green tank top with brown leather jacket on top. She smirked at him when she made her way to him. He smiled at her, actually glad to see her. In the background he saw Bruce leaving the jet, but he was talking to someone who was still in the jet.

Steve’s smile turned into a frown and he looked at Natasha for answers. “Steve,” she said in warning, using that tone of voice that always made Steve alert of something that shouldn’t be. “Before you blow up, we need him.”

“Need who?” he asked, his frown only deepening. He unfolded his arms and stared hard at the entrance of the jet where Bruce wasn’t alone anymore.

Tony Stark was standing next to him. He was wearing casual clothes today; long sleeved, black shirt that had the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and blue jeans. Bruce was wearing his usual button down purple shirt, with black jeans. They were talking to each other about something, and Bruce had lots of files in his hand, while Tony had his hands free; flapping about as he talked about something that only the two of them understood.

“You gotta be kidding me,” he mumbled angrily. “Why’s he here?” Steve asked Natasha, but his eyes didn’t leave the two men.

“Because he can help,” she answered. She was standing right in front of Steve’s point of view; a human shield between the two them.

“I don’t need his help.”

“But Barnes does.”

“He doesn’t.”

“If he didn’t, you wouldn’t have called me, Steve,” she said, taking a step forward and crossing her arms. She raised her eyebrows at him. Steve looked at her, and then his eyes shifted to the men again. They were a few feet away from them now. Tony looked relaxed, non-threatening, as he stared at Steve.

The air was thick with tension, even if the weather was light and had a soft breeze to it. Steve was standing with his shoulders wide and tense, as if protecting the house itself from any harm. He didn’t know if he should trust Tony enough to let him cross the front door. He didn’t know if he should trust him around Bucky. He was assessing Tony and trying to figure out if he was a threat or not, when he heard the front door being open.

Steve turned around and watched as Bucky peaked his head out of the small opening. He looked tired. Steve’s heart stuttered and he jogged up to the door. “Steve?” Bucky whispered, his voice raspy. He was leaning against the door. His nose was red, his eyes looked bloodshot, and his lips were chapped. His cheeks were pale and cold to Steve’s touch. Although there was a slight redness to it in some places, all the same.

“I’m here,” Steve whispered, standing close to Bucky. Close enough if Bucky wanted to rest his head against Steve’s chest, he’d easily do it. But that was only in Steve’s head. In reality, Bucky clutched at his forearm and peered at the people behind Steve.

“What… Who are they?”

Steve frowned and swallowed hard, “They’re my friends. They’re here to help.”

Bucky squinted a bit and then nodded. “Yeah… yeah I remember that old guy. What was his name?”

“Bruce?”

“He’s the doc, right?”

“Yeah,” Steve said, his heart in his throat. “Yeah, he’s Doctor Banner. You can call him Bruce, if you want.”

Bucky nodded and his eyes moved warily over Natasha and Tony. His hand tightened over Steve’s arm, but it wasn’t strong. It was too soft. It felt…humane.

“You look tense. Everything okay?” he looked concerned, his brow furrowing as he asked and shuffled forward. His body gave off the impression of him being protective.

Steve’s heart surged and not for the first time, he fought and resisted the urge to kiss Bucky Barnes right then and there, afraid he would fuck things up. Instead he said, “Yeah, everything’s okay. You shouldn’t even be out of bed.”

“I got up, and you weren’t there. Called, you didn’t answer. I got worried,” Bucky said, shrugging. He looked so indifferent as if he didn’t just admit the best thing ever to Steve.

Steve took a deep breath and nodded, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips. “Go in and rest. We’ll be there in a bit, okay?”

Bucky stared at him for a moment, then looked at the others. It seemed more like he was glaring at them. “What’s  _he_ doing here?” Bucky asked, staring right at Tony. Steve could feel him rolling his eyes behind his back, but he didn’t turn. He was too busy looking at Bucky.

“Natasha believes that we need all the help we can get from anyone who is willing to help,” he said, his voice was soft, but it was tense. Bucky seemed to pick up on that because he looked at Steve with a frown. Steve laid his hand on Bucky’s neck and he gave a slight squeeze. “No one’s going to hurt you. Not ever. Not under my watch. Okay?”

Bucky glared at Tony, and then looked back at Steve. It took him a while, but he nodded. He trusted Steve enough to believe his words. He then slowly turned and moved inside. Closing the door after him, Steve made his way to where Natasha was standing.

“He looks like crap,” she said. Steve knew her enough by now to note that the slight tint in her voice indicated that she was worried.

“Why do you think I asked for your help?” he said. He sighed and rubbed a hand over his eyes. “I don’t know what to do with him, Nat. He’s just… He’s not getting any better and I’m trying not to freak out too much.”

Natasha stared at him for a moment, and then took a step forward. She placed her hand on his shoulder and said softly, “That’s why we are here, Steve. All of us. He came because he wanted to help. Trust me, he’s been dying to check Bucky out since everything that happened.”

“He isn’t some sort of lab experiment for him to get excited over,” Steve said, starting to get defensive again.

“Nobody is thinking that he’s an experiment,” Natasha replied softly.

“He is suspiciously quiet, though.”

She smirked at that, “That’s because both Bruce and I promised him heavy bodily harm if he even made a peep before I had this talk with you.”

Steve rolled his eyes and he wasn’t really surprised by her answer. Leave it to Natasha to handle these situations in the best way she was capable. “Are you sure he won’t try to harm him in any way?”

“Of course,” she said and frowned. “I wouldn’t bring him here if I wasn’t sure that he wouldn’t behave.”

Steve looked at her, and knew that she wasn’t lying. He slowly started to relax, and then he nodded. Natasha smirked at him and turned her head to nod at the men.

“Thank God, I was starting to suffocate here without being able to say a single word. It’s like we are in a kindergarten. Really, Tasha?”

“I liked you so much when you weren’t talking at all. And it’s Nat, or Natasha. Stop calling me Tasha.”

“Sure, Tasha.”

When they started to move forward, to get inside the house, Steve stepped in front of them all and held his hands out. “Wait,” he said and they all stopped. “I have one condition.”

“What, don’t touch the food? Don’t watch the TV after 10? Sleep time is at 11?” said Tony, rolling his eyes.

Steve didn’t even deem it enough to acknowledge his stupidity. Instead he looked at the others and said, “I’m going to be beside him at every step of the way. I’m not going to leave him alone with you two. Clear?”

“Crystal,” said Tony and started to walk to the front door.

Steve’s hand shot out and grabbed Tony by his elbow. The others shifted beside them. Steve looked at his hand and then looked up at Tony’s face. “I mean it, Stark. Any wrong move, anything at all, and you’re out. Got it?”

Tony stared. He almost looked bored, but when did he didn’t. And then he was nodding, “Sounds fair.”

They all went inside, and Steve inwardly groaned. He sighed and followed them in. It was going to be a long day for them all.

 

* * *

 

Bucky was waiting for them in the bedroom. He was perched up against the headboard of his bed. Steve quickly moved to stand beside him and waited for the others to start their work.

“You kept the place clean Steve. Nice,” Natasha said as her eyes roamed around the room. It was true. Both he and Bucky didn’t like leaving the place messy. They’d always clean up after themselves. That way it would be clean all the time. It was a silent agreement between the both men.

“Hello, Bucky,” said Bruce. Placing the files on the desk in the corner, he walked towards the foot of the bed. He placed his bag there and started to rummage in it for something. “How are you feeling?”

“I’ve been better,” he replied. His voice was almost back to normal.

“We’re here to help you out. To try and figure out what’s happening with you, exactly.”

“Do you think it’s the side-effect of the missing arm?” he asked from Bruce. He was staring right at Bruce, as if no one else was in the room.

“Possibility,” replied Tony. Bucky’s eyes snapped up to him and he glared. Tony ignored him and continued, “I think the arm in itself was a source of life to you. Just like this thing here,” he pointed to the all familiar blue light of his metal heart on his chest, “is keeping me alive. Plug it out, and I’ll be choking on my own spit and trying to stay conscious.”

“What can we do for him to not have to deal with what you just described?”

Bruce placed a thermometer under Bucky’s right arm. He was moving very slowly. Bucky was cooperating. “We are going to need to take some samples, and have a look at his arm. This is the only place they’d actively…hack into, right?”

Bucky looked up at Steve and then back at Bruce. “Well,” he said. “Th-They’d do something to my arm. I don’t remember what they’d do, actually, because I’ve been re-programmed more than once.”

Steve saw the way Tony tensed at the mention of that, but he didn’t do anything. He was just standing there a few steps back from the bed. He was still too quiet, which was unnerving for Steve. He let it go for now, but he was going to burst from not knowing.

They kept quiet as Bruce continued to work on him. He had taken some blood examples, checked the temperature, and thankfully he didn’t have any. His blood pressure was normal. Bruce would ask for Bucky to do some things for him, and he’d comply right away. Move his right arm up, down, do the same with anything that had been left on his left side. Bruce was understanding and would talk to Bucky in soothing tone of voice.

Few minutes later, Bruce nodded and stood up. “Done,” he said and Steve waited for him to speak.

“Well?” asked Bucky. He seemed to be as impatient as Steve was.

“I won’t be able to say anything before I’ll get my results back from your blood samples,” said Bruce, pushing his glasses back up on his nose. “For now, I’m done with you.”

Steve nodded, “Okay, good. Bucky, you need to rest for a bit more.”

“Actually,” said Tony’s voice and both men tensed. Steve turned around and stared at him. “I’m not done with him.”

“What do you want?”

“Physical checkup.”

Steve knew what he was talking about because he went through the same thing when he came out of the ice. “Is it necessary?”

“If you want to know what’s up with your bestie, than yes,” replied Tony with a shrug.

“We don’t have that equipment here,” he said. “I don’t it’s wise of us to come back to the US with you.”

“Oh yes, it’s pretty damn stupid,” said Tony, staring at Natasha.

She looked at them and then her eyes landed on Steve, “You haven’t really explored this place down to the max, have you?”

“I’ve been busy,” Steve said, pointing a finger on Bucky’s direction.

“Hey!” said Bucky, pinching the side of Steve’s leg.

“Ow!” Steve jumped and stared at Bucky with a surprise. “What was that for?”

“You’re being a punk, that’s why.”

Natasha rolled her eyes and started out of the bedroom. “If you want to see more,” she threw over her shoulder. Both boys started to get ready to follow her. Steve helped Bucky up. He wrapped his arm around Bucky’s waist and they left the bedroom; Bruce and Tony followed them out. Natasha was standing in front of the DVD shelf and she was peering at them with a slight frown.

“Are we gonna watch a movie?” asked Bucky in a whisper, his breath ghosting over Steve’s ear.

Steve suppressed a shudder and said, “I don’t think so, pal.”

Natasha was searching for something, when she found what it was, her frown disappeared and a slight smirk took place on her face. She reached up and pulled it forward a bit. There was a slight thump and the floor, five feet away from the shelf, opened up into stairs.

Steve raised an eyebrow and stared at Natasha. “I didn’t know you had a secret basement.”

“That’s why it’s called a ‘secret basement’, Steve,” she said, her smirk only growing. “Shall we?”

She started down the stairs, and Steve noticed that as soon as she was downstairs the lights came on. He adjusted his grip on Bucky and helped him down the stairs. Bucky would do it himself too, Steve knew that, but it gave him an excuse to touch Bucky as much as he’d want without looking weird. Although, Steve needed to keep reminding himself to not linger on some body parts too long because then that would be too weird. Also, he was an ass for feeling this way towards his best friend.

No one knew about it, though. So he was safe to pine after his friend.

When they finally got all the way down the basement, Steve’s eyebrows lifted up in surprise. The place was a somewhat replica of Tony’s lab. It had all sorts of equipment that Tony would need to access at any given time.

“Impressive,” Bucky murmured, and Steve nodded. He agreed with Bucky wholeheartedly.

Tony shoulder passed by them. Steve felt Bucky tense. Steve squeezed his waist in reassurance and they walked in more. Steve was still baffled by the fact that Bucky trusted him to take care of things. He didn’t have much memory loss in the last few days, but Steve was keeping a close eye on him just in case. He just hoped that his…friends, would be able to give him some answers.

They got close to the exam table and Steve helped Bucky up on the table. He stood close by as they both looked at how Bruce and Tony got ready to examine him. After few seconds, Bucky looked down at his hand and frowned. Steve turned around and stood close to Bucky’s legs. He looked at Bucky, but he still didn’t look up.

“Hey,” he said, gently prodding Bucky to pay attention to him. Bucky looked up, but he averted his gaze quickly. “I know you’re worried, but I’ll be here all the time, okay?”

“Do you trust them?” Bucky asked softly, his hand fiddling with the fabric of his sweats.

“I trust Natasha,” Steve said. Bucky frowned and looked up at Steve; his expression was one of confusion. Steve elaborated, “I mean, if I knew that Natasha would bring someone here, then that person should be trusted by her. So that’s why I said I trust Natasha.”

Bucky stared right into Steve’s eyes and Steve felt that pull once again. He felt like he was on clouds whenever their eyes would meet. He felt close to Bucky, but at the same time he felt like they were standing thousands of miles away from each other. He wanted to have zero miles between them. He wanted to be able to freely touch Bucky. To grab his hand, right here, right now, without it looking weird. He wanted to have that closeness, but he couldn’t.

He was sure that Bucky had no feelings towards him. He was also sure that Bucky would be disgusted by his internal struggling. It was wrong of him to think of this way about Bucky. So, once again, he squished down his feelings, and worried about his best friend’s health, just like any other friend would.

“Okay, until the blood samples are being tasted there,” Tony said, moving forward and towards them. He stopped a few feet away from the table and fiddled with a device in his hands, and then looked up. “We need to get you hooked up on this machine here and see what’s up with that brain of yours. Ready to cooperate?”

Bucky looked at Steve, waiting for a confirmation from him. Steve’s heart doubled up in size, but he didn’t let it show on his face as he nodded. Bucky looked back at Tony, and gave a nod.

“Great. Let’s get started.”

Bucky was laying on the table, still, as Bruce and Tony prodded at him with sticks and things that Steve had no idea what or why they were being used. He stood couple of steps away from the table, but he made sure to stand in line of Bucky’s vision. Most of the time that he was there, Bucky only looked at Steve. His jaw was clenched tightly and he looked like he was hating every second of being there. But his eyes held another story; he looked upset. Disappointment was deeply hidden under the guide of being angry at them all. The disappointment was directed at himself. Steve knew this because he knew Bucky.

They added some more wires on Bucky head and his jaw clenched further. Steve wanted to step forth and stop them, but he was rooted on his place. He couldn’t move or do anything, really. He just had to stand there, helplessly, and stare as Bruce and Tony worked on Bucky. They talked between themselves, and used some terms that Steve would never understand. As long as they wouldn’t harm Bucky in any way, he was mostly fine just by standing there.

“If you stare even more intensely, I may have to drag everyone out of here so you can ravish him,” Natasha whispered casually and Steve started.

“What?” he asked, playing dumb. He could feel the blush creeping up his neck, but he ignored it.

“You look like he hung the goddamn moon for you, Steve. I’m not blind,” Natasha said with a smirk, her eyes held a tone of softness to them.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She shrugged and said, “For what it’s worth, I’m glad you found him.”

“I’m glad I have him back in my life,” he replied, trying to mask his emotions under a false cheerfulness. He knew that Natasha saw through his act clearly, but she didn’t comment on it.

“You know, there’s a small village, not far from here,” she said, changing the subject. Steve sighed in relief. “It’s couple of miles away. It has about 50 people living there. And they don’t ask questions if you two go there.”

Steve nodded and continued to stare at Bucky, who was now staring up at the ceiling; still looking as if he wished he’d be anywhere but here. Steve knew that feeling only too well. “Do they know you?”

“They know me as Черная Вдова  _(Black Widow),_ ” she said. “He knows Russian”, she added, nodding her head on Bucky’s direction.

“Yeah, I've heard him talk in Russian couple of times before. Mostly in his unconscious state, and that time when Bruce got his arm fixed.”

“I meant that he knows Russian pretty well,” she elaborated. “He knows how to speak it just as fluently as English.”

Steve frowned and looked away from Bucky, for the first time since the whole thing started, and stared at Natasha. “How do you know this?”

“Remember two years ago I told you I had a run in with the Winter Soldier?” she asked, tilting her head to the side. “I got obsessed with him, for some time, and I researched everything I could find on him. One of the files showed his abilities, and in language sector, it had fluent Russian lined too.”

Steve nodded and looked back at Bucky. He was staring at Steve with a slight glare, and Steve wondered if he had heard them talk. He probably did. Steve sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Why does it matter if he talks in Russian?”

“Because the village I told you about is a Russian village,” Natasha said casually.

Steve turned his head to her and raised an eyebrow, “A Russian village?”

Natasha nodded and smirked, “You're in Russia, Steve.”

“Seriously?” asked Steve, dumbly. “Your safe house is in Russia?”

“Yes.”

“Doesn't this make easier for them to catch us?”

“Hide in plain sight and no one will be able to find you,” she said with a shrug. “Not that fast, anyway.” When Steve didn't look convinced, Natasha reached out and placed her hand over his shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze, “Relax, Steve. No one is going to find you here. You're safe.”

“I hope you're right, Natasha,” sighed Steve as he stared at Bruce's fingers fiddling with one of the IV's connected to Bucky's arm. “I hope they won't find him.”

After what felt like hours of Bucky laying down on the table, they moved him to the treadmill. He started to fast walk on it for 5 minutes, but then they started to go faster. After every 5 minutes, they’d add a notch or two to the pace. Soon, he was running as fast as he should run, but after 15 minutes, he was wheezing and trying to tell them to stop.

“S-stop,” he said as he tried to slow down, but the treadmill wasn’t matching his pace. He misplaced his leg and he slumped down on it and slid down on the floor.

“Bucky!” Steve moved as fast as he could and he got to him just in time when Bucky slid down on the floor. Bucky groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. “Bucky? Talk to me, buddy. I’m here.”

“Stop fretting,” Bucky groaned and opened his eyes.

“You okay? That was a heavy bump you took,” Steve said, his hand resting over his shoulder, keeping him from swaying over and falling back down.

“I’m fine. Just a bit dizzy,” he mumbled and rubbed his head with his hand.

“Let’s get him up,” Bruce said and he helped Steve to get him up and standing. Bucky blinked couple of times, only to sway in Steve’s direction. Steve wrapped his arm around him and pulled him close to lean against him.

“What's happening with him?” Steve asked as soon as he placed Bucky on a stool. He was still breathing hard and clutching his side.

“We're not sure yet,” said Tony as he looked at the tablet in his hands. “But this running was another indicator that he is not who he was before losing his arm.”

“What do you mean?”

“Have you noticed how tired he was?” asked Tony, lifting an eyebrow.

Steve frowned, “He said that he couldn't sleep all this time.”

“Aside from that, his missing limb was part of himself that shouldn't have been touched in the first place.”

Steve swallowed, hard, and turned to look at Bucky. He had his head down, his hair covering his face, making it hard for Steve to see his face. He was breathing through his nose, trying to calm his racing heart. “What do you think this means?”

They were silent for a bit more than it was usual for them. Steve looked at them and his eyes settled on Tony. “Don't bullshit me, and tell me what you think is going to happen.”

“Technically, nothing yet. But once I'll get the results back, I'll know more for sure,” Steve felt like Tony was hiding something, but he didn't push. He was tired and it had been a long day. He just needed the damned answers from Tony to know what was happening with Bucky. But he knew he couldn't get them now. He knew they all needed time.

So Steve nodded and told them that he could wait for a little while longer to get his answers. Steve would be patient until they'd know for sure what was happening. They knew that it wasn't wise to ask Steve to be patient, because they knew that it wasn't going to happen.

Because Steve was anything, but patient.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it may seem confusing on what's going on, but I hope that in the later chapters I explain more on what's really going on with Bucky. If you're patient enough you can hang around to find out.  
> Leave me your thoughts on the chapter...


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can't,” whispered Bucky. His breath fanned over Steve's face and he closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. He was selfish. He knew it. He would take anything Bucky would offer to him right at this moment and he'd gladly take it.

“You alright?”

They were sitting outside of the house, staring at the place where the jet had been 10 minutes ago. The group left with a promise to contact them if they had any news. Steve thanked them all for their help, his eyes lingering on Tony for a moment. There was a silent truce between them. No word has been mentioned about Bucky’s mission.

Bucky shifted a bit and sighed. “I’m fine.”

Steve knew he was lying the minute the words left his lips. “I wouldn’t have them helping if I didn’t trust them.”

“You said that you trust Natasha,” replied Bucky. “That hardly means that you trust them all.”

“I know what I said, Buck. But in some sense I trust Bruce as well,” he said.

“What about Stark?”

Steve halted a bit at that. As much as he was thankful, and baffled, by the fact that Stark was willing to help, there was a slight doubt whether Stark’s actions were pure or not. He didn’t know if he should share these thoughts with Bucky. He was jumpy enough as it is. They had tired him out today. He had to weightlift after running on the treadmill. He managed to lift up to 2000 pounds. He should’ve done more, but he barely even managed to keep that up. In the end, Steve had to help him put it down before he’d suffocate himself.

Steve looked at Bucky’s profile. He looked tense. His lips were drawn down into an angry pout. His forehead was creased with worry. His eyes were hard. Not for the first time, Steve felt the pull to reach out and smooth out the crease between his brows. But he didn’t. Instead, he clasped his hands together and placed them in between his legs.

“With Stark, you can never be too careful, or too trusting.”

Bucky turned his head and looked at him. The sun was dipping low already, but the soft hue of it was shining through Bucky’s eyes. Steve had to remind himself to breathe in and out, couple of times.

“It’s going to be okay, Bucky,” Steve whispered softly. “Besides, we won’t have to leave this place. Not for now, anyway. I have no idea what’s happening back in US, but we’re safe here.”

Bucky frowned. “Back in US?”

“Yeah,” said Steve with a small smile. “We are in Russia.”

Bucky’s eyebrows lift up. “Seriously?”

“Yes.”

Bucky nodded and looked around the forest. He closed his eyes, tilted his head up, and breathed in deeply, releasing it slowly. Steve stared at his exposed throat, the way his Adam's apple deepened slightly as he swallowed. He had to tear his eyes away, when Bucky opened his eyes and blinked couple of times.

“I don't remember much of Russian countries,” he said and Steve blinked. He continued as an ellaboration, “I’ve been here way lot more before. For… you know…”

“Natasha said that you know the language,” Steve said, but there was a slight tilt at the end. As if he was asking it, rather than stating.

“Да, немножко  _(Yes, a little)_ ,” Bucky said with a shrug.

“Oh my God,” whispered Steve, his mouth hanging open rather unattractively.

Bucky turned his head and smirked at him, his eyes sparkling in amusement. “I'm no expert, but I can ask questions and talk about things just fine.”

“Man, is there anything else that I don't know about you?” asked Steve, his mouth still open. He was gobsmacked, really. He has heard Bucky speak in Russian, but it was when he was moaning and yelling in pain.

This, however, was different. And it was giving serious feelings that were inappropriate to act upon. So he turned his head away and took couple of deep, steadying breathes, to calm himself down. Bucky was suspiciously quiet on his other side. So he slowly turned around to look at him. Bucky's expression was closed off as he stared down at the stairs. Steve wracked his bra0in, trying to figure out what he had done to upset Bucky in such way. When it came to him, he wanted to smack himself on the face with a bat, again, for being so careless with his words.

“Jesus,” he whispered and sighed. He squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them up again. “I'm sorry. I can be careless about my wording sometimes. I didn't mean to hurt you. And I definitely didn't mean it that way. I mean, I obviously know you. But, we haven't seen each other since forever and things have changed, so I wanted to know if you had some things that you kept a secret from me. Well, not a secret. More like things you haven't shared with me yet. Since I never read your files, because those files can be twisty and not true. I'm sorry. Truly, I didn't me-”

“I'm not upset from your question,” Bucky cut him off and Steve stopped rambling at once.

Bucky stood up, turned around and walked back inside the house. Steve sat there, staring after him. Why did he leave if he wasn't upset from his question? Steve frowned and stood up. He opened the door and walked in, his eyes searching for Bucky. He found him in the kitchen. He was getting out a bawl from the cabinet. And then he walked to the refrigerator and pulled out some eggs.

“What are you doing?” asked Steve, standing a few feet away from the kitchen's table.

“I'm baking,” replied Bucky, now getting out the mixer.

“You're...baking?”

“Yes. I was watching food network the other day and I remembered one of the chocolate strawberry cake receipt. So I'm baking.”

“You don't know how to bake.”

“I do.”

“I don't remember you baking anything, though.”

“When you're a fugitive,” said Bucky, grunting as he placed the mixer on the table with only his arm. “You learn a thing or two while on the run.”

“You had time to bake?”

Bucky shrugged and he started on it. Steve stood back and observed for a bit, but then he walked to the sink, washed his hands and walked back to where Bucky was standing at.

“What can I do?”

Bucky looked at Steve for a moment, opened his mouth, closed it again. As if he changed his mind on what he was actually going to say. Then he pointed at the eggs and told him to crack them.

They worked in sync together. It was quiet, the only noise heard was coming from the mixer. It took them couple of minutes to get everything mixed up. And those couple of minutes were probably the hardest minutes of Steve's life. They kept brushing up against each other. Shoulders, shoes, hands. Which were probably the worst because every time they'd touch Steve felt like he was being electrified. Most of the time he'd hold his breath and wait for Bucky to do whatever he was doing on the table that required him to be as close to Steve's body as it was possible, given the circumstances.

And before Steve knew it, Bucky was asking him to get the cake inside the oven. So he did. While the cake was baking, Bucky started on the chocolate cream and the mouse, while Steve cut the strawberries evenly.

45 minutes later, they had the cake up and ready. Bucky was cleaning up the working station, while Steve was placing the cut strawberries on the chocolate covered cake.

“We should wait for it to cool down, before we can eat it,” said Bucky as he placed the last bowl in the sink.

Steve looked at what Bucky was doing and said, “Leave them. I'll take care of it.”

“I don't mind.”

“I know, but you practically baked it yourself. So the dirty dishes are mine to take care of.”

Steve walked to the sink and started the water. He noticed that Bucky hadn't moved from where he was standing. Which was extremely close to the sink. The water was still running, but Steve didn't pay attention to it. Bucky was staring.

Steve's heart picked up on the beat and he sighed out through his nose to keep himself in check. Bucky looped his hair back under his ear and he shifted where he was standing. Steve wanted to ask what did Bucky want, but he didn't dare utter a single word. He wasn't sure, but he knew that if he said anything, it'd break the silence between them. Bucky was staring at the back of his neck now and Steve felt himself flush from the intensity of his stare. He swallowed, hard, as Bucky's eyes moved from his neck to his ear, to his cheek, and then landed on his eyes.

His eyes were burning.

Steve's breath stuttered and he was sure he was going to die right then and there. His lips felt numb. He didn't dare to move. He waited. And waited...

Finally, Bucky moved. His body shifting towards Steve, chest brushing against Steve's bare arm. Steve suppressed a shudder that would easily rip about over his body. His chest was heaving, he knew that, he couldn't contain it anymore. Fuck consequences, he was pining over Bucky for awhile now and he couldn't keep it in anymore. If Bucky would make the first move right now, he was sure as hell going to give it all. He stared into Bucky's eyes, the sinfully beautiful eyes, that held fire and lust, and longing, but... It was heavily guided by the struggles he was feeling at this moment. It felt like he was trying to keep everything to himself. As if he didn't want to reveal something deep and big to Steve. Worried that he'd fuck things up. Steve understood his struggle. Understood it on so many levels that he was going to tell Bucky that it was okay, because he was the same too, but then...

“I can't,” whispered Bucky. His breath fanned over Steve's face and he closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. He was selfish. He knew it. He would take anything Bucky would offer to him right at this moment and he'd gladly take it.

But the words stabbed a deep wound in his chest, in his heart, and it left him gasping for breath. He leaned forward, over the sink, taking deep breathes, calming himself down.

When he came through, Bucky wasn't standing beside him anymore.

* * *

 

The next morning when they woke up, it was scathingly hot outside, so Steve opted to wear a black wife beater and jeans with boots. While Bucky wore a white t-shirt, with beige jeans and sneakers. When they were sitting down to have breakfast, it was a pancake morning, Steve suggested they'd go and check out the village that Natasha mentioned. They needed to take a break from these four walls as it is. Bucky nodded in agreement.

They never mentioned last night.

As they went out of the house, Bucky started down the road while Steve turned to the side of the house. He stopped when he saw Bucky was walking away. “Where are you going?”

Bucky stopped and turned around. He pointed his hand in the direction of the road and said, “To the village?”

“It's couple of miles away from here,” said Steve and he continued on his way to the side of the house. “Apparently, we are both blind, because we never noticed this before,” he added as he walked up to the wall that held a switch. He pushed it down and there was a loud clunk on the ground. Steve stepped back and stared as the ground moved down and there was another basement look alike place. Steve turned around and looked at Bucky, who had his eyebrows raised.

They shared a look, both silently asking each other to go in first. Bucky shook his head and said.

“You go in first. I'll just wait here.”

“Seriously?” asked Steve with a mock glare.

“Oh, yeah. I'm not gonna go in there. I don't even know what's in there,” he said. And then he placed his hand in his pocket and waited for Steve to move.

Steve rolled his eyes and walked down the path. The lights turned on as soon as his feet hit the solid ground. He raised an eyebrow at the scene before him. Trust Natasha to have a garage that held 3 Corvette Stingray. They were in three different colors; red, black and yellow. Steve took a moment to think about them, and decided with the black one.

He got in, closing the door after him with a click. Fetched the keys from the dashboard and started the car. The low rumble of the car was soothing and he sighed, relaxing in his seat. He slowly drove out of the garage and got the satisfaction of seeing Bucky's face light up. He stopped beside Bucky, rolled down the window and said, “Wanna go for a ride, pal?”

“Oh you bet your ass I do.”

“Hop in.” And Bucky did.

The moment Bucky's door clicked shut, Steve stomped his foot down on the gas and they took off on a high speed. The wind blew inside the car, making their sweaty bodies to cool down. The roar of the engine was loud as he drove the car through the forest. He spared a glance on Bucky's direction and his heart stuttered. He was going to have a heart attack one of these days, and Bucky would be at fault for that.

He had his eyes close, and there was a soft smile playing on his lips. His hair was weeping about in the air because of the wind. He looked so relaxed that Steve took the longer way to get to the village. Natasha gave him directions before she left, letting him know that there were two ways to get there.

He needed to take the long road because Bucky's face was everything right now. So he drove that road, the engine roared in the silent air, and Bucky's smile didn't leave his face. He tried to memorized that smile in his mind. He wasn't sure when he'd see it next.

Steve gradually slowed down the car once they got closer to the village. Bucky sat up straighter in his seat and started to get his hair back to normal. Steve glanced at him and said, “Your hair is fine, Buck.”

“Your hair didn't move an inch all the way here.”

“That's because it's already short. Yours is longer than my chest hair,” he said. After a moment of silence, Steve snorted and Bucky rolled his eyes. “I just realized, I don't have chest hair so I don't know what i'm referring it to.”

“Seriously?” asked Bucky, shaking his head. “Can you like, stop?”

Steve parked the car on the side, and killed the engine. There were already at the village. It looked nice and cozy. “Stop what?”

But Bucky was already out of the car, leaving Steve alone in the car. He sighed and took the keys with him as he got out. Placing the keys in his pocket, he jogged a bit to catch up with Bucky.

“Hey,” he said as he caught up. “What did you mean back there?”

“Nothing, Steve. Drop it.”

“Buck, come on. Talk to me,” Steve grabbed him by his shoulder, since he was on Bucky's left side, and turned him around to look at him. “Talk to me.”

Bucky sighed and looked down at his feet. He looked like he was hesitating, and then he shook his head and said, “It's nothing, Steve. Please. Let's just enjoy this day, okay? And possibly buy some stuff. Look, фермерский рынок ( _farmers market_ ).” And then he was crossing the street and going right into the store.

Steve followed him. One look at the store's display revealed that it was a farmers market. So Steve went inside and stopped. Bucky was standing right inside the market, glaring at the old lady in front of him.

“Я не знаю кто вы такие, но вы здесь нежеланные  _(I don't know who you are, but you're unwelcome here),_ ” she said in a thick Russian accent.

Bucky raised his arm and said, in fluent Russian, “Мы только хотим покупать фрукты и овоши. Это все.  _(We only want to buy fruits and vegetables. That's all.)”_

The lady in front of him didn't let go easily, she kept staring at Bucky as if he was trouble. He didn't even look like trouble. But Steve knew that she felt like Bucky was a threat to them. He didn't know an ounce of Russian, he tried to remember what Natasha told him, but failed miserably.

“Damnit,” he whispered and Bucky turned his head around to look at him.

“What?” he asked.

“Natasha said to mention her name to these people and they'd leave us alone. But I can't remember what she said,” he ran a hand over his head and tried to imitate any word that would sound close to what she said.

Bucky frowned and asked, “Maybe it was some sort of a code...?”

“I think it was, but I can't remember what it was.”

“Maybe it was her name, her suit name I mean, but in Russian?”

Steve shrugged, hesitating, “Maybe? We can try.”

“Вы знаете кто Черная Вдова?  _(Do you know who The Black Widow is?)_ ” immediately, everyone went back to their work, and customers resumed their picking. Steve sighed in relief. But the lady was still not moving.

“А кто ты такой?  _(And who are you?)_ ” she asked.

“What's she asking?” asked Steve.

“She's asking who we are. Do we give out names?” Bucky asked and turned to look at Steve.

“I don't even know what to do anymore. Natasha said to tell them that name and we should be fine,” Steve said. He was already getting tired and annoyed by this lady's treatment. They just needed to buy some food from here and then just leave. But no. This little lady was interrogating them as if they were criminals. Well, technically they were, but that was beside the point here.

Bucky sighed and addressed the lady again, “Слушайте, мы только хотим покупать продукты и поехать домой. ( _Listen, we just want to buy some products and go back home._ )”

She stared at him for a moment, and then nodded. “Я не хочу никакого проблемы, понятно? ( _I don't want any sort of problems, okay?_ )”

“Да, мадам. ( _Yes, ma'am)._ ” Bucky replied and moved further inside the market. Steve followed him. He was trying to calm his racing heart. It was one thing to hear Bucky say a word or two in Russian, but it was on a whole another new level of  _holy shit_  as Bucky spoke in Russian as if it was his native tongue.

“That was close. We were almost kicked out just for being Americans,” he commented lightly, grabbing a basket on his way.

“Yeah, well, I can see why she would be like this,” Bucky said as he started to gather some stuff for them. Steve silently held up the basket for him to place in. “I mean, it's a small village. Everyone knows everyone. They know Natasha, but they don't know us. I wasn't really surprised with her questioning of us.” Bucky shrugged and then added, “I would've been suspicious too.”

“You always are, Bucky,” Steve said. Bucky's lips quirked up in a half-smile. Steve wasn't satisfied. From the moment he saw the relaxed smile on Bucky's face when they were driving here, he felt determined to get Bucky smile like that in front of him.

“That's because you can never trust anyone enough,” he whispered, but Steve caught every word that fell out of his lips.

“Does that mean you don't trust me?” asked Steve, trying not to sound let down.

Bucky was frowning down at the tomatoes in his hand. “Do we need tomatoes?”

“Probably,” said Steve, shrugging. He stared at Bucky's profile, waiting for him to answer his question. But he didn't. He continued to pick some vegetables for them. He didn't know what to do with Bucky, how to crack him open, how to let him know that Steve was a safe place for him to share his thoughts with. But whenever he'd try this, Bucky would close up or change the subject altogether. He didn't know how to approach Bucky anymore.

After they finished picking up their vegetables, they made their way down towards the fruit section. Steve was checking out the apples, when he noticed Bucky going further down the isle. He was searching for something, it seemed, so Steve looked at where Bucky was heading off to.

He stopped in front of plums and grabbed a plastic bag from nearby. He started to place some in and Steve started to walk towards him. He frowned at the amount of plums in the bag and then asked Bucky, “What's with the plums?”

Several people passed by and looked between them. Their eyes would mostly linger on Bucky.

If Bucky noticed, he didn't say anything. Instead, he shrugged and said, “I just like it.”

“Like it enough to fill up the whole bag?” he asked staring at the bag. Bucky glared at him and added some more. “Okay, okay. I'll keep it to myself,” chuckled Steve. Bucky placed the bag in the basket and turned away from Steve to pick up some bananas.

While they were arguing about some of the fruits to get, Bucky stopped talking mid-sentence and he looked somewhere behind Steve. Curious, Steve turned around and looked at what made him stop. He frowned, slightly, when he noticed that it was a young boy, probably 7. He was staring right at Bucky, his mouth hanging open. From his peripheral vision, he noticed Bucky was clenching his jaw.

Steve, sensing his discomfort, touched the back of his hand and Bucky's glare was directed at him, rather than the kid.

“Bucky, breathe,” Steve ordered softly. He was awarded by Bucky actually letting out a rush of air. “Now, ask him what he wants. I don't think he understands English.”

“Why should I ask?”

“Because he isn't leaving, is he? He probably wants something.”

“What could he possibly want?”

“I don't know.”

“What if it's something tha-”

“А где твоя рука? ( _Where's your arm?)_ ” Whatever the kid asked, must've been not good, because Bucky tensed, hand curling around the bagful of plums.

“Buck?” He asked uncertainly, unnerved by the coldness that he saw in Bucky's eyes.

“Антон! Ты где пропал? Иди сюда, сейчас же. ( _Anton! Where are you? Come her, right now._ )” Some lady that looked like, she was in her mid-30's came and collected the boy. She smiled apologetically at Bucky, not even cowering in his glare, and left with the boy.

Once they disappeared, Steve stepped in front of Bucky, and tried again. “Bucky?” He didn't get an answer. Bucky looked sideways and Steve followed his eyes. Most of the customers, were looking at Bucky. Some of them were being subtle and the others, not so much. Understanding dawned on Steve in a second. That kid probably asked Bucky about him, and it wasn't a pleasant question. So Steve grabbed the bag from Bucky's hand, and walked to the cashier, to get them weighted and paid.

Once it was done they were out the market with heavily laded hands. They walked towards the car and opened the front doors of the car. Bucky was quiet as they placed their bags in the backseat, and got inside. Steve drove them further in the village and spotted a small bar. He turned his head to Bucky and asked. “Do you wanna go in?”

Bucky shook his head. “I want to go home.”

Steve nodded and started the car. He took the shorter road on their way back home. He noticed that Bucky didn't enjoy this one so much. His face was a mask of no emotions, his hair was pushed back under his ears. The setting sun didn't shine in his eyes. There were dull. Steve swallowed hard and he pushed on the gas a bit more. Before he knew it, they were parked outside the front steps of the house. Steve reached out and killed off the engine. They sat there in silence, until Bucky said. “We should get these inside, before they'll start to-”

“Why don't you trust me?” Steve asked, cutting off Bucky.

Bucky's face closed off at the question. He turned his head away from Steve. He noticed his jaw was clenched, but Steve didn't allow himself to say anything more. Bucky seemed like he was struggling with himself and then he shook his head. “I can't talk about this right now.”

“Will you talk about it later on, then?” Steve prodded. He was awarded with Bucky's small nod.

“Yeah,” he whispered. “I will.”

Steve sighed in relief and started to get out of the car, but Bucky's hand landed on his arm, stopping him. Steve turned around to look at Bucky. He was halfway turned in his seat in order to grab at his arm. He had a deep frown etching over his forehead, his lips were pursed. He didn't move his hand from Steve's forearm.

“What is it?” Steve asked, his voice was soft and small. He didn't know what was Bucky going to do. So he waited. And didn't dare to breathe. After some time of silence, Bucky's eyes moved from staring into the distance, to Steve's eyes. Steve's breath caught in his chest at the intensity of his stare. There was no mask. There was nothing hiding the fire in Bucky's eyes. He looked frightened. He looked lost. Steve really should get a reward for his boldness, because this was probably crossing a line between their friendship. But he placed his hand over Bucky's.

Bucky's expression shattered at the gesture and Steve took a deep steadying breath. His chest was heaving with stuttered breaths. He felt like he was standing at the edge of a cliff and there was a deep ocean in front of him. If he jumped, he didn't know if Bucky was going to catch him. He didn't know if Bucky would wrap his arm around him and pull him back from his fall.

“I...” said Bucky and swallowed with a click. He frowned and looked down at Steve's hand over his. His hand was cold, while Steve's was warm. But he wasn't going to release his hold. Not until Bucky would tell him to move. But that never came. Instead, Bucky turned his hand over and laced their fingers together. Steve felt like he was being electrified by it and he took couple of steadying breaths. He felt like there wasn't enough air in the world to make his lungs to work properly. Because Bucky was holding his hand. “It's not...” started Bucky and Steve squeezed his hand in encouragement. “It's not that I don't trust you. I...I don't trust myself.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don't know what I'll do to you if I let myself feel...this,” Bucky said, staring at their hands. His eyes were starting to fill up with tears and Steve's heart beat a bit faster in his chest.

“This...?” he whispered.

Bucky licked his lips and leaned forward. Steve did the same, letting the pull of their bodies to lead him on. They were a breath away from one another. Bucky licked his lips again and looked up at Steve's eyes. A tear fell from his right eye and Steve stared at it in wonder. He couldn't talk. His throat wasn't working properly, and his lips felt numb. Then Bucky whispered, “I won't be able to stop if I do this...”

And then Steve felt like he was a firework. Shining brightly up in the darkened sky, filled with joy and happiness, tinted with a shadow of sadness. His heart was beating faster than ever. His whole body felt weak. He felt like this was an out of body experience for him. It felt amazing.

Because Bucky Barnes was kissing him. And this felt like heaven on earth.

All too soon, Bucky pulled away and stared into Steve's eyes. He was crying. His lips were parted, his chest was heaving, and he was crying silent tears. Steve moved his hands; grabbing Bucky's hand with his right hand, and placing his left hand on Bucky's cheek. He instantly closed his eyes and moved his face away. He never moved away from Steve's touch. This small gesture would break Steve's heart just a tiny bit, but Steve didn't allow him, he pulled at Bucky's face and made him to look at him.

“Don't,” Steve whispered desperately. “Don't shut me out.”

“I'm sorry,” Bucky said, his voice hoarse and broken. “I'm sorry. I d-didn't mean to do that Stevie. I'm sorry.”

“No, don't. Don't apologize, babe. Please, don't,” Steve said, and moved his hand from Bucky's face to pull his head close to his chest, hugging him close and holding on, as Bucky's body started to shake with tears. He didn't utter a single word, but his breathing was heavy enough to fill up the silence.

Steve felt like his heart was soaring and he had to close his eyes to take steadying breaths. Because as much as this hurt Bucky to do, Steve knew that Bucky felt something towards him. And Steve held on to that hope that this was going to be okay for them. That they were going to work out in the end. They just needed some time to get to terms with it. He was willing to wait for it, would Bucky do too?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I didn't upload the new chapters for a few days. Family emergency came forth so yeah... Anywho, I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and hoping to hear from you in the comments!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve twisted Bucky's arm around his back and shoved him against the corner of the ring. Bucky grunted from the effort, but he didn't struggle. His chest was heaving, shoulders hunched in over himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We see another side of Bucky in here.

Bucky was lying on the grass, on his front, his arm serving as a pillow for his head. The white bunny from the other day was back, and it was snuffling in front of his face. Steve was lying close to him. His head closer to Bucky's arm, and the bunny's fluffy butt was close to his shoulder. He was probably the cutest thing he's ever seen. After Bucky, of course.

It's been a few days since the kiss they'd shared, and they haven't mentioned it once in the course of the last few days. There had been the stares, the glancing at each other when one thought the other wasn't looking. There had been the lingering touches, and before bed, they'd stand in front of each other, for just a tad bit longer than it was necessary.

Steve's hand would just happen to graze the back of Bucky's hand, their fingers would loop with each other. And then they'd part their ways; Steve to the couch, Bucky to the bedroom. It was like a barrier between them. A wall that Steve wanted to break so badly, but he wasn't ready to do that yet. They were new. They were dancing around it as if they were high schoolers. It made Steve's blood boil with exciting anticipation of what was to come when it would be time to give in for them.

“Do you remember, when we were younger, we'd go to the park where you'd draw old people?” asked Bucky, his voice carried over to him by the soft breeze of the day.

Steve turned his head and looked at Bucky. “Yeah, I remember.”

Bucky's lips twitched into a small smile and he said, “I remember asking you to draw me, but you always refused.”

“I did,” Steve did. Bucky was probably one of the many things he wasn't able to pen down. Not that he wasn't good at his sketches, he was brilliant. But there was something about Bucky that he couldn't get right. The cleft of his chin was one of the many things that Steve loved about Bucky. But he didn't say it, instead, he said. “I couldn't get you right.”

Bucky frowned, “Why not? I know I'm not ugly.”

“What? No, Buck. It's not that, Jesus,” sighed Steve and run his hand over his eyes. “It's just... I tried to draw you. I probably have some saved up in my old sketchbook, but I don't know where those are at the moment.”

“Yeah, I know,” Bucky nodded. His face softened when the bunny got closer to his face and bumped into his nose. Steve stared at them, his heart hammering away in his chest. Bucky was adorable like this. The complete opposite of the machine-man he'd been before.

Steve wasn't stupid. He knew Bucky was still recovering from whatever they did to him. He'd sometimes look lost, and Steve would gently coax him back to the present. There were mornings when Bucky wouldn't say a word, and he'd look like he was lost in his own thoughts. Those were the days that Steve would feel concerned. He was always prepared to fight Bucky off, if it turned into that, but Bucky would come down from it. He'd ask Steve some questions, and Steve would answer them and provide as much details as he could. He would mostly ignore these things, because it didn't settle well with him most of the time.

He didn't sleep at nights. Steve knew it because the bed hadn't been touched since the last time Bucky was in there, when he was feeling sick.

A low whooshing sound made Steve's thought process to halt and he leaned up against his hands. He recognized the sound of the jet and he was on his feet in a second. Bucky did the same. They made their way back to the house, leaving the bunny behind to hop back to his little place that Bucky re-made for him.

“Who is it?” asked Bucky, easily catching up with Steve.

“That sounded like Natasha's jet,” Steve said, a frown on his face.

“Why do you think they're back?”

“They probably have some answers,” he replied with a shrug.

They were about to get out of the forest when Bucky grabbed Steve by his arm and halted his steps. Bucky gripped his forearm, tight, his face tense. His jaw was clenched and Steve could see how scared he actually was.

“Bucky?” said Steve, releasing his arm free from Bucky's clutch. Bucky looked hurt for a moment, as if he didn't want to be rejected by Steve. But Steve didn't allow him to think more of it. He moved closer, placed both of his hands on Bucky's neck and rested his forehead against Bucky's. Bucky stuttered out a deep breath and closed his eyes, leaning into Steve's hands, as if he was craving for that. And Steve gave it to him without questioning. “Bucky, you don't have to be afraid, okay? I'll be there with you all of the time and I won't allow them to do anything that you're not comfortable with. Trust me?”

Bucky's face crumbled at that, but he was nodding and that was enough for Steve. He turned his head to the side and place a small kiss at the corner of his lips. He felt Bucky sigh out through his lips. Steve pulled back, grabbed Bucky's right arm, and continued making their way to the house.

Once they were at the front of the house, and the jet had landed, the team piled out of it. Tony came out first and he was once again busy typing something on his tablet. When he passed them, he nodded and went inside the house. Bucky was glaring at him all the time.

“Hey fellas,” Natasha's voice caught their attention and they both turned to look at her. She was wearing sports wear; black tight pants with an equally tight black tank top, her hair was tied back from her face.

Steve broke into a smile when he saw who was with her. “Sam!”

“Hey, man.”

Steve walked towards him and clapped him on the shoulder in a greeting. He was in sports wear too, almost similar to Natasha’s, but in gray colors. “What are you doing here?”

“Nat called. Said she needed my help with Mr. McBroodypants there. I agreed. Here I am.”

Steve frowned slightly and looked at Natasha. “Help? With what?”

“We've came up with some things that we need to check Bucky with. I invited him, because we need him.”

“Okay, what for?”

“You'll see,” she gave a small smirk to Bucky, and said in rapid Russian. “Все хорошо? ( _Everything okay?_ )”

Bucky nodded, but didn't return her smirk. She nodded once and then made her way inside. “I'll be waiting for you all.”

“Let's get going, man,” said Sam, and he slapped Steve on the shoulder again.

“You sure about this?” Steve asked. He didn't know what Tony and Natasha had decided to do today, but he just wanted to make sure that Sam was really okay to be here.

“'course I am. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't, ya know?” Sam shrugged and walked past Bucky. Who was glaring at Sam. Really, really, intensily.

When Sam was inside, Bucky frowned down at the ground. His shoulders hunched over and he looked lost. Steve swallowed and walked towards him. “Hey,” he said, “You okay?”

Bucky didn't acknowledge him. He just looked up from the ground at Steve, and then he turned away from him and walked inside the house. Steve didn't know what was happening, if he should apologize if he'd done something to Bucky that he didn't like.

This was going to be a long day.

 

* * *

 

Once they were both in the basement, Steve noticed an addition to the room. “That wasn't there before.”

They had a small boxing ring set up. Bucky was leaning up against one of the tables, but he didn't acknowledge Steve's presence at all. Steve didn't think about it twice.

“What's this for?” he asked as he stopped close by the ring.

“It's a boxing ring. They're going to fight,” Tony said with a shrug, his fingers working rapidly over the screen that was close by it.

“Excuse me?”

“Relax,” Natasha said. “No one's going to hurt anyone.”

“You better start explaining what the hell is happening here?” said Steve. He was trying to stay calm, but it was to no avail. “Fight? With whom, exactly?”

“We need to run some more tests on Barnes,” Tony said, conjuring up some numbers that made no sense to Steve.

“What is this?”

“This is you,” he said. “We have every bit of information we need to have about you. Your blood pressure, type. How your brain works, or body moves. Which part of your body is stronger. Which limb is the most used in combat, et cetera... We need the same scans from Barnes.”

“Why?”

“You and him, and Bruce as well,” said Tony, “Share the same form of serum. It didn't sit well with Bruce's body, obviously, but in all technicality, you three have the same serum. Considering that whatever they injected Barnes with was in the 40's, that's around the time that you got yours, we thought that you two had the same thing inside of you. So, that's why we need to get Barnes to wear these and then fight against him.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Steve.”

“You guys don't know what he'll do if you start hitting him.”

“We're not going to hit too hard,” said Natasha. “It'll just be a friendly match between us.”

“Friendly? _Friendly,_ Nat?” Steve was close to shouting. How could they think that he'd be okay with this?

“What? Yeah. Oh come on, Rogers. Don't be a killjoy,” said Tony, walking up to him.

“I'm not going to allow you to do it.”

“Well, you're not his babysitter.”

“I am his anything that he asks me to.”

“Enough.”

“Oh really? Did he exclusively ask you to make decisions for himself?”

“No. He's not stable to know what's best for him.”

“And you think you do?”

“He's not your guinea pig, Stark. End of discussion.”

“He's not _yours_ to make this decision for him, Rogers.”

“I said _enough!_ ”

Both men went silent and turned to look at Bucky. He had his jaw clenched and he was angrily glaring at Steve. For a moment, Steve didn't understand his anger. He was too caught up in his own head that he didn't realize how wrong he was being. He was making a decision for Bucky, trying to protect him from the big bad. In this case the big bad was Tony and his own health, but Steve couldn't make himself understand that it was for his own good.

“I'll do it,” Bucky said and he walked towards the ring.

“Buck, no.”

“Steve.”

“I said, no.”

“Really?” Bucky narrowed his eyes at him and Steve clenched his jaw. “You're going to order me around as well, _Captain?_ ”

That seemed to sober up Steve and he took a small step back. He took several steadying breathes and crossed his arms across his chest. They both stared at each other, waiting for the other to say something. But nothing came out of their mouths. Now, that they were both trying to calm down and Steve's mind wasn't clouded with anger, he understood that his actions were wrong. Bucky was his own man, and him making decisions for Bucky was absolutely wrong. He was a man that was trying to live on his own, not depend on someone else, and make his own life choices. And here Steve was, trying to control Bucky's life as he saw fit.

Tony went to his work table and grabbed some stuff from there and gave them to Steve; who took them hesitantly. It looked like a headset of some sort, with wires and buttons on it.

“What are these for?”

“Help Barnes get that on so I can activate it on the tablet. It'll read everything that Barnes will do up there,” said Tony, his hand pointing the tablet. “The whole thing is going to be monitored and written down.”

“So this'll show you everything you need to know about Bucky?”

“Technically, yes.”

He looked down at the headset in his hands and walked towards where Bucky was standing. Bucky's glare wasn't as intense as it had been a few minutes ago. “May I?” He held it up in his hand and Bucky stared at it for a moment. He was hesitating, so Steve stood in silence, waiting for any sort of violent reaction.

But none came, so he took a step forward and waited for Steve to place it on his head. His jaw was clenched and he was staring at a point somewhere over Steve's shoulder. It would've calmed Steve down if he'd stare at him, but he wasn't. So Steve placed the device on his head and took a small step back. He turned his head and nodded at Tony, giving him the go.

Tony tapped something on the tablet and the device turned blue. “Cool. We're good to go.”

Bucky jumped up inside the ring and Sam followed suit. They stared at each other from the corners of the ring. Sam relaxed, but shoulders tense. Bucky looking emotionless, his stance relaxed.

“Is this a good idea?” asked Steve, unable to move his stare from Bucky's face.

Natasha nodded and said, “Sam is actually not a combat person. So this is perfect for starters.”

“He doesn't have an arm, Nat. Why do you think I'm mostly worried about this whole thing?”

“He knows how to fight, Steve. Stop worrying. Relax.”

But Steve didn't relax. Instead he walked up to the ring, and leaned up against the ropes there. Sam was talking to Bucky.

“So because you don't have your other arm, and your body has probably memorized to fight with that side now, because it was your offensive side, try to kick, instead of trying to punch, yeah?” Bucky just continued to look at him. He blinked once and took couple of steps forward.

“Is this really necessary?” Steve asked one more time, his voice was soft, for only Natasha to hear.

“We need to help him as much as we can. So, everything is a necessity here, Steve.”

Steve nodded and continued to stare at his friend. He watched as Bucky's hand hardened into fists and his jaw was clenched. Before he could stop it, Bucky leaned back a bit on his leg, preparing himself to jump. When Sam nodded his confirmation, that's when he gave himself a little push and jumped up from where he was standing. He kicked Sam right across the face. “Bucky!” Steve yelled, but Sam waved his hand in his direction.

“Shut up, Steve. Bucky, dude, try not to kill me in the process, okay?” Sam said wiping the blood from his nose. It was probably going to bruise, if it wasn't broken already.

“You didn't say it before.”

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at Bucky. Steve was tense all over. He wanted to get up there and drag Bucky away from all of this. But he knew that this was necessary.

“No, I didn't,” Sam said slowly. As if talking to a wounded and aggressive animal. If Steve would think about it hard enough, he'd see more similarities between a wounded animal and Bucky. “Remember that you can kick as hard as you want, but no killing.”

“You're not a mission?”

“Why does he get like this?” Steve whispered to Natasha.

“I'm  _not_  a mission.”

Natasha shook her head, a small frown on her face. “Possible short-term memory loss.”

“How's that even possible? He was okay for as long as we'd been here.”

“I'm not sure I can give an answer to that.”

Steve nodded and stared ahead as Bucky and Sam re-positioned themselves. “Ready?” Sam asked.

Bucky didn't give an answer as he swung his arm, aiming for Sam's ribs. Which Sam easily dodged. Sam landed a fist against Bucky's side. Bucky grunted and took couple of steps away from Sam.

Sam raised an eyebrow in silent question, but Bucky only glared back. His glares were filled with hatred and Steve was starting to suspect something was up, but then Sam managed to land couple of more punches in before Tony called it quits. Bucky was facing away from them, his chest heaving. He was hunched over himself, his shoulders wide. Steve felt like he was sheltering himself from them, but he wasn't sure.

“Nat, you're up,” Tony said, and Sam was replaced with Natasha on the ring. “Aaaaand, go.”

Natasha was quick and unyielding. She didn't pull in her punches.

“Were you going slow on him?” Steve asked, his voice low again. He was afraid to speak any louder. He knew that Bucky could hear every word that was leaving his lips, but he was acting stupidly oblivious to that.

“Nah, not really. You know I'm good with flying and shooting. Combat has never been my specialty.”

“Maybe we should train you,” Steve suggested, tone light and a bit carefree. Sam looked at him and smiled. He nudged their shoulders together. “How are you, Sam?”

“I've been better. The safe house is cool. It's on an island which is awesome.”

“Aren't you worried they'll come after you soon?”

“If that one,” he nodded his head in Tony's direction. “Won't rat me out, I'm cool.”

“I'm not,” Tony said as he clicked some buttons on the machine that was in front of him.

“Just making sure, man,” Sam said, with a shrug. Tony rolled his eyes and typed something on his tablet.

Steve looked back at the ring and saw that he had Natasha in a choke-hold. She wasn't struggling but she didn't look pleased by this. Before Steve could act, Natasha was free from his hold. They positioned again and Natasha blocked Bucky's high kick, but wasn't fast enough when Bucky kicked her with his other leg. She grunted and smirked at him.

“Хорошо робота, солдат.  _(Good job, soldier)._ ”

“Не называй меня так.  _(Don't call me that).”_

Punch. Punch. Grunt. Kick. “А что назвать?  _(And what to call?)_ ”

“By my name.”

Kick. Kick. Kick. Punch. Block.

“А ты меня узнал? _(Do you even recognize me?)_ ”

“This is so annoying,” said Tony. He was mostly keeping quiet.

“What's annoying?” Sam asked over the grunts and punching on the ring.

“I don't understand anything they're saying. And it's annoying.”

Steve couldn't agree more, but he didn't say anything. His eyes were focused on them.

Bucky grabbed Natasha's next punch pulled it around her back. She tried to get away, but his hold tightened on her and with a swift move of his leg, kicking hers in, she was dropped on the ground. His hand made it to her throat. Steve tensed again at that. He didn't know what they were talking about but it didn't look pleasant. He was on the verge of jumping inside the ring, but then Bucky released her, when she tapped at his hand. When they stood up, Steve felt his lungs expand as he took steadying breaths.

Bucky glanced his way, his eyes softened fractionally. His eyes slid away from his face and looked at Sam, his glare was back. And then he glared at the spot where Steve and Sam's shoulders were touching. He clenched his jaw and turned around to face Natasha.

“I remember everything,” he grunted.

Steve looked down at his hands on the railing. He didn't know what to say to that. He turned his head around and looked at Sam. Sam's face was tight with worry, and a bit of sadness.

“Еще раз.  _(One more time.)_ ” Natasha gave him a tight nod and they positioned.

This time they didn't hold back and hit hard at each other as hard as they could. Bucky landed good punches in, making Natasha grunt in obvious pain, but she never stopped it. In the end, Bucky got her in a choke-hold once more, this time his hold got a bit too tight and Natasha's face was turning a deeper shade of red. Natasha was tapping on his arm, but he wasn't responding. He was staring ahead, when his eyes slipped to Sam and he tightened his hold more. His blue eyes were cold and blank.

“You're next,” he whispered and Steve's blood run cold. In a second he was up in the ring and prying his arm off Natasha's neck.

“Bucky!” he said, his voice hard and commanding. “Bucky, stop. Let go. Right now.”

“Barnes,” choked out Natasha. She was gritting her teeth and she was pulling at his arm as hard as she could.

“Bucky, let her go,” Steve demanded again, his hands curling around his forearm. He pulled harder and Natasha slipped out and started coughing. Sam caught her in time before she could hit the ground. Tony was standing, rigid, staring at what was being unfold in front of him.

Steve twisted Bucky's arm around his back and shoved him against the corner of the ring. Bucky grunted from the effort, but he didn't struggle. His chest was heaving, shoulders hunched in over himself. Steve was breathing heavily as well. He was afraid of letting his arm go, so he made sure that it was secure in his hand and turned around to stare at Natasha.

“Nat?”

She shook her head and stared at him. “Don't,” she said. “Don't blame this on anyone.”

“I'm sorry,” he said. Bucky pulled at his hand, but Steve tightened his hold.

“It was my fault too. I pushed him. I knew I shouldn't, but I did.”

“You're an idiot,” said Tony lightly. “If you can give the device back to me, Rogers, that'd be nice. I have everything down. We'll contact you soon.”

Steve turned around and pulled the headset off from Bucky's head. He threw it at Tony and he easily caught it. Steve noticed that they were standing several feet away from them, but he didn't say anything. He knew why. Tony gathered his stuff and left the basement. Natasha was next to leave.

Sam was standing a few feet away from them and Steve's heart clenched. After all, Sam had become one of his close friends. Bucky's behavior right now could be a deal breaker. So Steve waited for Sam to talk.

“I'm not holding this against him. Neither should you,” he said, his eyebrows slightly raised, and speaking slow.

Steve swallowed and shook his head. “I don't know what's gotten into him. He was fine. Really.” Bucky grunted and a low growl left his chest. Steve tightened his hold more.

Sam shook his head and said, “It's fine. We'll talk about this later, yes?”

“I'm sorry,” said Steve. Sam only rolled his eyes and left the ring. Before he left the basement he turned around.

He hesitated for a moment and then said, “I recognize what he did up there. Tell him there's no threat from me about this whole...situation. He'll understand.”

“What situation?” Steve asked, his brows furrowed. Sam rolled his eyes again and then left, waving his hand over his shoulder.

Steve waited until he heard the jet leave the grounds, and then released Bucky. The reaction from then on, left Steve feel winded.

He was somehow on his back, his head hitting the floor really hard, and his lips were being assaulted by Bucky's lips. At first, Steve didn't understand what was happening, but then when he realized, he started to respond. He wrapped his arms around Bucky's sweaty form and pulled him closer. Bucky's kisses were aggressive and unrelenting. His teeth were biting and pulling at Steve's lips. His hand was clutching at his hair, pulling, and turning his head this and that way. He was controlling the kiss, and Steve let him.

Steve felt that these kisses meant something to Bucky, because he didn't stop until Steve was clutching at him desperately. Returning his aggressive kisses, moaning low in his throat, demanding more, more,  _more._

Bucky didn't release him until he was satisfied. And when he pulled back he gasped in air, as if he needed to breathe because he was drowning. Steve felt the same need. Their chest were brushing against each other as they breathed heavily. Bucky screwed his eyes shut and placed his forehead against Steve. Steve noted that his brow was sweaty. His whole body was sweating. That only made Steve to hold on tighter. Bucky's hand tightened in Steve's hair in response. Steve knew that he didn't have to say anything, so he let Bucky to let it all out.

Bucky was silent, the only indicator that he was feeling anything was his heavy breathing.

Steve kissed the corner of Bucky's lips as he squeezed him closer. Bucky's lips parted on a silent gasp, and Steve kissed his cheek.

They stayed like that for a while. Unmoving. Bucky's eyes closed, while Steve stared and memorized every inch of his face. He was beautiful. Even when he was covered in sweat and smelled, he was still beautiful. His features were sharp. He had worry lines, and his forehead was starting to wrinkle. His lips were wide and full at the same time. He constantly looked tired. And he was still the most beautiful person ever.

After a while, Bucky's breathing went back to normal. And his tensed muscles relaxed. He moved down a bit on Steve's body and rested his head on Steve's chest. Steve rested his chin over Bucky's sweaty hair.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered when it got too quiet. Steve didn't answer, but he started to pet Bucky's hair. It was really soft, despite it being dirty. “I'm sorry,” he said again. “I lost control. I don't know... and Sam. He was just... You...”

“Breathe,” Steve whispered. His hands were running up and down Bucky's back, trying to soothe him down. He didn't want to say ' _it's ok_ ' to Bucky because he needed him to talk. He was less talkative these days, and it wasn't settling well with Steve.

“I'm sorry I hurt your friends,” he said, his voice low now.

“They'll understand.”

Bucky shook his head. “It's wrong.”

“It's not a choice you made, Buck.”

“I can't be around people.”

“Bucky.”

“I need to get away. I don't want to hurt anyone else.”

“You aren't going anywhere,” said Steve, his voice was laced with worry. Bucky looked up from his chest; Steve frowned. He was worried that Bucky would actually leave. “You aren't going to leave. I just got you back.”

Maybe there was something in his voice, or some sort of emotion showing on his face, that made Bucky do it, but then Steve was getting the strongest one-armed hug he had ever received from anyone. He clutched back, eyes squeezed shut tightly over the emotions he was feeling. He was shaking from head to toe. He felt like he was close to having a panic attack. The mere thought of losing Bucky again was terrifying.

“I don't want to lose you either,” Bucky whispered to him. “I'm ugly like this. People are repelled from me. I can't control my own emotions in front of anyone... Especially your friends.”

“Why is that?”

Bucky was silent for a moment and Steve nudged him to speak. Bucky took a steadying breath and said, “I hated seeing you so close with Sam.”

“Bucky...”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. It's stupid. But it's just... you guys weren't... _aren't_ together, right? Because i-if you were that's not... it's not...”

“Bucky. Listen,” Steve said. “I'm not with anyone.”

More silence. Slowly, Bucky lifted his head and looked at Steve's face. “You're not with him?”

“No.”

“But you guys were standing really close. And you were talking to each other and I thought that...”

Steve gave him a small smile, lifted his hand and placed it on Bucky's cheek. Bucky leaned into his touch and closed his eyes. “Do you remember us when we were younger?”

“I do,” Bucky whispered, a soft smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “I remember that we used to sleep in the same cot because it would get too cold for us in winter. We didn't have warm blankets, so we'd share ours together. It felt nice.”

“Do you want to try and do that again?”

“Tonight?”

“Sure.”

“I'd love to.”

They fell into a comfortable silence. The only sound was their breathing, and it was soothing. Steve bit down on his lower lip. He wanted to ask one more question to Bucky, but he didn't know if he should. It was an obvious one, but Steve wanted to ask and receive a vocal confirmation on that.

“Buck?”

“Hmm?”

“Were...are you jealous?”

That earned him a kick on his shin. Steve chuckled at that and pulled Bucky closer to him. It seemed like they were going to be here for awhile, so he dropped a kiss at the top of Bucky's head and relaxed back down on the floor. He didn't need to say anything about that. He got his answer.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think? Leave me pretty things to read~


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Steve wanted Bucky to get handsy. He wanted for Bucky to make the first move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks all so much for reading. Your comments make my day :')
> 
> PS: shout out to stucky.together on Instagram for promoting this story there as much as she can get away with haha

Steve woke up slowly. His back hurt for a moment, but not too much. He felt relaxed and well rested. Senses came back to him one by one and he realized that he was laying down on something that was solid. It didn't feel like the couch at all. The next thing that he realized was the fact that there was a heavy weight on his chest, and both of his arms were wrapped around it.

Slowly, he opened his eyes and was greeted with the basement's ceiling. He frowned slightly and shifted a bit, and the weight shifted with him too. His eyes snapped open fully and he looked down. His heart started to beat wildly in his chest at the sight. Bucky was sleeping on his chest. His hair was swept back from his face, and from this angle, he could see that Bucky's face was relaxed.

Steve's heart started to beat faster. Bucky said that he hasn't slept all this time, aside from taking naps while he was feeling sick. And seeing him actually sleeping made Steve want to gather Bucky more in his arms and never let go. It was a small step to recovery and Steve couldn't have been happier about it.

His shifting seemed to alert sleeping Bucky and, this was fascinating to watch; Bucky went from sleepy to fully awake in a heartbeat. It seemed to take him a moment to realize where he was. Understanding dawned on him slowly and he tilted his head forward, obscuring his face with his hair and then his eyes slid from Steve's chest to his face.

Steve smiled softly at him, feeling hesitant. He didn't know how Bucky was going to react to this, so he held still and waited. Bucky blinked at him slowly, his brows furrowed. It seemed like he was hesitant to make a move, so Steve eased the tension away by breathing out a simple greeting. “Hi...”

Bucky turned his head down, supporting his weight on his right side. For a moment he looked confused, and then he looked back up at Steve and said gruffly. “What time is it?” his voice was hoarse and raspy, and filled with that satisfied sleepiness to it. Steve suppressed a shudder and looked around to try and find a clock, but there was none.

“Uhm... I think we slept for a good two hours or so. Maybe a lot longer? I'm not sure actually,” he stuttered. While he was talking, Bucky must've thought it was a great idea to nuzzle at Steve's chest sleepily. It probably was the greatest idea ever if Steve was true to himself. He loved feeling Bucky all around him. And he was being selfish anyway, so he basked himself in the feeling of Bucky petting him. Kind of.

Bucky hummed and gave a slight nod and then completely relaxed on Steve. Steve felt like he was going to cry and his heart was beating wildly in his chest.

Yes, they'd shared kisses now and again, but Steve still didn't allow himself to have full access to Bucky. Not unless Bucky made the first move. Not unless Bucky would explicitly tell him it was okay to touch. That's when he'd get more selfish and hoard Bucky all to himself. It wasn't like Bucky  _wasn't_ being hoarded by him, but it would feel different. It would feel different because then he wouldn't have to restrict himself to simple touches. He could take, push and pull at Bucky all he wanted, because then he'd have the right to do so.

“Steve?” Bucky's voice was low, soft.

“Hm?”

“Can we... can we move to bed?”

Steve stilled. He didn't know how to reply to that, because if his hearing didn't fail him, Bucky suggested to go to bed  _together_. Was it okay for him to let his heart beat as wildly as it was at this moment? Was it okay for him to let his mind wander to other possibilities on sharing a bed with his best buddy? Was it okay to feel this excitement that he felt any time Bucky suggested something for  _them_  to do together?

He swallowed thickly, and let his muscles relax. No need to get worked up over such simple words. It wasn't like Bucky wanted to do anything more with him than sleep. So with a slightly, calmed down heart, Steve replied, “Of course we can.”

So they stood up, and Steve closed his eyes as he stretched out his back. He felt his muscles and knots that had been formed there through the few hours of sleep click into their places. He felt relaxed as they made their way up the stairs and into the bedroom. Both of them started to get changed; Bucky took the bathroom.

When he got back, Steve was already in bed, with his own t-shirt and sweat pants on. He was laying down on his side and Bucky mirrored his position. He laid down on his right side, so Steve took it on himself to drag the blanket over Bucky's form. He received a small smile from him. They lied there in silence, and Steve felt the droopiness in his eyes, and he was just about to sleep, when Bucky spoke.

“Do you remember... Do you remember that winter when we first got to live together? And it was the coldest winter ever?” asked Bucky, his voice was low, his eyes downcast. Steve didn't know what to say, so he remained silent. “So we had to sleep together in one place and pile up all of our blankets to keep warm because none of us could afford to get a heater?”

He quieted down, and didn't say anything. His eyes briefly lifted to look at Steve's eyes and then he looked down again. His had was fidgeting, so in the end he clutched at the pillow and bit down on his lower lip. He looked like he was far in his head.

“Yeah, Buck, I remember,” whispered Steve.

Bucky took a shuddering breath and said, his eyes closed now, as if he was picturing the scene. “You were sick at the time. Very sick. It was after your mum passed away, so you were devastated. You wouldn't take care of yourself, so I-I had to do it for you.”

“Bucky...”

“No, let me finish,” his voice was shaking now. His knuckle was white from how hard he was gripping at the pillow. “You... you couldn't look after yourself, so I took care of you. I had to. We only had each other at the time.”

“You had your family,” Steve reminded him gently.

Bucky shook his head, “No... No, Steve. It wasn't... it's not the same. You were,  _are_ , different.” Bucky stressed out the word and Steve felt his heart break, just a tiny bit. “You've always been different. Even when I had my family, my sister and mum and dad, you were something else. Different.”

Steve was silent. He didn't know where Bucky was going with this story, but he'd be damned if he interrupted Bucky. He wouldn't talk as it is, so he let him.

“You know, I went to see Becca. Few years ago... Actually about 10 years ago, when I first fully realized that I could be more...human.”

“You did?” Steve raised his eyebrows in surprise. “How's she? She's not...?”

Bucky shook his head. “She passed away 3 years ago. In her sleep. They say she was suffering, so this was good.” Bucky shrugged and took a steadying breath. “She... When I was talking to her, she knew that there was something... not right with me, but she never mentioned it. She was kind and supportive, and very specific with the words she'd use.”

“She's never been like that before,” Steve's memory was great, and what he could remember of Rebecca, was that she was anything, but a person that had a filter to mouth option. She was fierce and would never bow down under pressure. She was a resemblance of Peggy Carter. Only she wasn't as intimidating as Peg was. She was a bit softer around the edges, despite speaking her mind all the time.

“She never was,” Bucky let out a small sigh of laughter. “She told me something and I couldn't... I couldn't get over it. And as the days went by, I would think more and more about it. Until Pierce got me and... yeah.” Bucky shook his head. His eyes got misty, and Steve wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch him, but he didn't. He curled his fingers in and waited for Bucky. “As more days go by, Steve, I think I'm going to let her words guide my through this. I'm just hoping that I'll receive...it, in return...”

Before Steve could do anything, Bucky moved forward and rested his lips on Steve's. Steve let out the breath that he never realized he'd been holding in. He let it out through his nose, and inhaled some. Bucky's lips were soft, electrifying, addicting... and when he was satisfied, he pulled back, eyes still close, and rested his forehead on Steve's.

“Remember when you used to be my little spoon?”

Steve chuckled at that, his eyes still close, savoring the moment. They had physically moved in close to one another, and Steve slipped his hand around Bucky's waist, his other hand was holding Bucky's chin in it. He nodded at Bucky's question and said, “I do.”

“I want to be your little spoon?” he said, sounding uncertain. And before Steve had time to say  _anything_ to that _,_  Bucky was rolling over to his left side, Steve's hand slipping off from his waist, on the bed. Steve stared at the back of Bucky's head, and then his eyes started to roam over his back, which was, understandably, tense. And after a moment of internalized panic, Steve let his hand touched the back of Bucky's neck. Steve felt Bucky tense some more, but he didn't stop. Instead he started to massage his neck, easing him to the fact that he was being touched on his neck, by a person who 'kind of/not really' trusted. It meant everything to Steve. After a few minutes of this, and Bucky was relaxed and his eyes were close. That's when Steve moved closer to him and hugged him close to his chest.

Bucky slept that night lightly.

* * *

 

Steve was nursing a mug of coffee the next morning. Well, afternoon. He was sitting by the kitchen table, one arm curled on the table, and the other hand holding the mug. They woke up an hour ago, tangled together in sheets, hands and limbs wrapped up in one another. It took them awhile to let go off one another, hands lingering in certain parts more than the other, breathing heavily and sleepily, their faces close to one another. But then, Bucky shifted a bit and Steve felt more, than seen, Bucky's morning...interest. So that sent him into a mini panic of getting out of bed as fast as he could, locking himself up in the bathroom. It wasn't like he didn't have the same problem.

So now, he was sitting by the table, drinking coffee. Bucky told him that he was going to go out and check on the bunny. He had made it sound like he wanted to go there alone, so Steve just nodded and told him he'd get the coffee ready. It was, in a way, good to have Bucky out of the house because Steve needed to think.

Steve needed to figure out what the hell were they doing here and now. What was the right decision to make here? What was the right way to approach this thing that was happening? He felt slightly confused with it all. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. In a way, he kind of knew what, but he was scared.

Thinking about Bucky in certain ways was different than actually talking to Bucky about it. He didn't want to take the risk of getting caught and judged for the way he'd been thinking about his own best friend. He knew he was being silly because Bucky was anything, but judgmental. So he shifted his thinking to another part; they were best friends.

If Steve would talk to Bucky about what he was feeling towards his friend, there was a huge chance that Bucky would tell him to go _fuck himself_ and Steve wasn't ready to hear those words leave from Bucky's beautiful mouth. Because if he'd hear Bucky say the words 'fuck' and something else that could easily be the word 'you', he wouldn't even think about it twice. He'd just jump on his friend and kiss him senseless.

That was another thing. They would only kiss. Bucky wouldn't get handsy with him, he wouldn't push for anything more. And Steve wanted Bucky to get handsy. He wanted for Bucky to make the first move. He wanted for Bucky to set the pace for them. Because if they'd leave the wheel of their ship in Steve's hands, he'd go too fast too quick and it wouldn't be right. Not on him, and not on Bucky.

He jumped slightly when he felt a slightly damp arm close around his waist. He relaxed slightly when that arm started to feel familiar on him. So he relaxed against the chest on his back and closed his eyes. Bucky nuzzled the back of his neck and he placed a kiss there. Steve shuddered and clutched at Bucky's arm, leaning his head to the side slightly. His mind went completely blank when he felt Bucky's lips graze over his skin. It seemed like neck kisses were his ultimate weakness.

Steve held on tighter on his arm when Bucky's lips became more persistent. He let out a loud sigh when Bucky's lips moved from his neck to his ear. He could feel Bucky's breath ghosting over his earlobe, and before he could do anything, such as clutch harder on Bucky's arm, Bucky sucked in his earlobe and Steve let out a loud moan. Unintentionally, though.

That seemed to stop Bucky at once. Steve felt Bucky's hand going rigid under his own, his back straightened and his lips left his ear. He then took a physical step back from Steve, his hand being snatched away from Steve's body as if he just had been burned, and Steve missed the warmth at once. He took couple of steadying breathes, willing his sweats to not reveal anything that would make both of them uncomfortable. Instead, he turned around and stared at Bucky's back. He was staring out the window, as the clouds started to gather. His shoulders were heaving with labored breaths. Steve swallowed and stood up slowly.

“Bucky-”

“I'm sorry,” Bucky cut him off. His voice was slightly trembling, with a hint of nervousness lacing each word as he spoke. “I'm sorry. I was out of line. I shouldn't have done that-”

“-Bucky-”

“-I'm so very, _fucking,_ sorry. I swear it won't happen again. I don't know what got over me,-”

“-No, Buck-”

“But I didn't mean to make things uncomfortable between us. I'm sorry. Please just.”

“Bucky!”

“Forget it ever happened. I... _what?”_ Steve had to raise his voice to get Bucky's attention. Bucky stopped talking and he breathed out of his lips. He was still facing the window, his back to Steve's. Steve wanted to see his face, but knew Bucky wasn't going to turn unless Steve spoke about what happened between them now.

“Bucky, none of it was unwelcome,” Steve said slowly, as clearly as he could, while his heart bit in his chest erratically. Because he was taking a step forward in their relationship and he wasn't sure how he was going to be received. So he stood there, leaning up against the table, hands supporting his weigh on it. He knew what he looked like while standing like this, because he felt the heaviness between his legs. And his sweats really didn't leave anything to the imagination. So he waited for Bucky to turn around, and probably take the next step forward towards Steve's little confession.

Bucky straightened his back, his breathing wasn't as labored anymore. He slowly turned around, his hair obscuring parts of his face. He swallowed thickly, and then looked up into Steve's eyes. Steve felt like he was going to drown in those eyes. There wasn't a hint of green in them anymore. His pupils were dilated and they were filled with lust, longing, and raw neediness.

“If I start,” said Bucky, slowly pushing him away from the counter. “If I start, I won't be able to stop.”

Steve shook his head, his heart beating fast in his chest, because this was actually _happening._ Steve stuttered out a reply, “I don't want you to stop.”

“Steve,” breathed out Bucky, still slowly making his way to Steve. Steve thought he was taking his sweet-ass time. He was done waiting to be honest, but he knew that he needed for Bucky to make this next move. “You have to understand. You still have the choice to tell me to stop, that's when I'll _try_ to stop.”

“Never,” said Steve. “I've waited too long for this. I'm not going to tell you to stop.”

Bucky was almost close to him by now, and Steve let his shoulders and hands to relax because he was going to catch Bucky when he'd throw himself at Steve. Steve was ready for this. He's been ready since forever.

“How long?” Bucky whispered, his voice breathy and needy and Steve was ready to burst already.

“Too long,” Steve whispered equally needy.

Bucky was there, suddenly. His breath hot and heavy on Steve's face. He licked his lower lip and Steve let out a whine at the sight. He wanted to bite on that lip  _so_  badly. “I want you,” breathed Bucky.

That was the only invitation Steve needed to lean forward and bite down on his lower lip. Bucky's reaction was immediate. He choked on his own breath; his hand reached out to grab the back of Steve's neck to pull him closer so he could kiss him. His body arched up into Steve's, their lips clashed together. It wasn't a soft kiss. It was raw, uncontrolled, needy kiss and Steve felt his heart was going to burst out of his chest. His face was buzzing from the intensity of the kiss. His lips were numb, his arms were tight around Bucky's waist as he kept pulling and pulling his body closer to his. They were flat against' each other, Bucky standing in between Steve's legs. Steve felt like there was still too much space between them.

Bucky was kissing him as if he was thirsty. As if he didn't have any water for days now and Steve was the water in this case. He kissed as if he was pouring his heart out into Steve's lips. As if he was silently confessing something. And Steve? Steve was greedily taking it all in because he'd be damned if he wouldn't do so. He's waited for this for a long time, and he wasn't going to lose it now. Not now when Bucky wrapped his hand around Steve's shoulder, hand bunching up the t-shirt he was wearing, pulling, silently asking for more. Steve had no choice but to oblige.

Never stopping the kiss, Steve pushed Bucky away a bit and then walked backwards to the bedroom. Bucky immediately caught up with where they were going. Their kisses slowed down once they got to the bedroom. Bucky nuzzled his nose, breathing heavily, and grazing his lips with Steve's. His hand moved from his back to the hem of his t-shirt, hand dipping inside to graze his roughened fingers against the smoothness of Steve's hips. Steve shuddered from head to toe, when he felt it. “I can't slow down. I-I need you.”

“I don't want you to slow down,” breathed out Steve, kissing Bucky roughly. He was awarded by a needy whine when he pulled back. “I want you.”

Bucky slammed their lips back together and he started to kiss Steve with a renewed earnest. Steve wrapped both arms around Bucky's again and pulled him closer. This time when he felt Bucky's hardness through his sweats, he didn't hesitate. He slowly buckled his hips forward and Bucky let out a small gasp into his mouth. His hand tightened around his hip and he moved his hips forward in a reply.

Feeling bold by Bucky's reaction, Steve moved his hands from Bucky's buck to his butt, resting them lightly on both cheeks first. Bucky's kissing slowed down considerably, when Steve started to remove his hands from there, apology already making its way out of his lips, Bucky bit down, hard, on his lower lip. That was all encouragement he needed from Bucky, before he groaned and cupped both cheeks in his hands and pulled him even closer. They both shuddered at the feeling.

“Bed,” breathed Bucky, sounding desperate and needy. “Please.”

Steve stepped backwards and sat down on it, Bucky straddled his laps and their lips met in a slow kiss. Their lips didn't leave each other as they moved against one another. Bucky's tongue slipped into his mouth, licking the roof of his mouth. Bucky's hand slipped on his neck, and then slowly made his way to the side of his neck, where his thumb was caressing his earlobe. Steve shuddered from head to toe. His weakness were his earlobes. And it seemed like Bucky knew this because he kept doing it over and over again. Making Steve go crazy and more needy.

He pulled him closer, pulled him  _down_  on him, which made Bucky to let out a strangled moan. Head thrown back, hand squeezing tightly over his neck, mouth gaping open, Steve never seen anything as beautiful as he did at this moment. His neck was long, taunt and stretched as he kept rolling his hips down over and over again into Steve's lap. Steve leaned forward and sucked lightly at the base of his throat.

Bucky let out a cry at that, and Steve did it more. He licked and sucked, and bit down on Bucky's throat until he was bubbling incoherently, his hips keep moving over his lap. “Ste- _ah.”_

He couldn't talk. He couldn't make a coherent word. He just knew that he had to push his hips down, let Steve assault his neck as much as he needed.

Since they didn't have their shoes on, Steve being inside for all the day, and Bucky getting his off before he came inside the kitchen with his very exciting offer; Steve grabbed him by his hips and moved them up the bed. He turned them around and laid Bucky down on the pillows. He pushed back and knelt in between his legs.

Bucky's shirt had ridden up, revealing a pale skin underneath. There was a patch of black hair on his navel and Steve had the sudden desire to see how far it went. So he reached out and tugged at Bucky's t-shirt to take it off. Bucky arched up from the bed a bit and took it off. Steve's mouth dried as Bucky's muscles ripped at the movement. Bucky wasn't as buff as Steve was. He was more sharp-angled, with taunt muscles and lean torso. His hair was a flock of mess on his head. Steve reached out and brushed his hair back from his face. His eyes were full blown, filled with lust and need. Steve let his hand drift from his head to his cheek. Bucky leaned back into his hand, his eyes fluttering shut.

Bucky's breathing turned heavy as Steve let his hand drift down to his neck, to his chest, caressing it. He swallowed with a click and moved his hand up to his shoulder, where the metal met the flesh. With the tip of his fingers, he touched the scarring there. It was ugly, ragged, and red. Twisted around each other. Flesh molding into metal, or vice versa. It wasn't beautiful, it wasn't something that people would stare at in mild fascination. But Steve... It didn't bother him. It was part of Bucky that he accepted a long time ago. It was part of what made Bucky himself.

“It's ugly,” Bucky's voice whispered into the quietness of the room. The storm was starting outside. Hot and heavy raindrops were petering on their windows angrily.

“It is,” Steve agreed, because he wasn't going to lie to Bucky. “It is ugly, but...it's part of who you are. I accepted this a long time ago.”

“You're an idiot,” choked out Bucky. His eyes began to water. “You're such an idiot.”

“Sshhh...” soothed Steve, letting his hands fall to the waistband of Bucky's sweats. He tugged them down, boxers and all, and Bucky lifted his hips up to help him get it off. Once the sweats fell down on the floor, Steve sat back and appreciated everything that he was witnessing right now.

Bucky Barnes was beautiful. His thighs were tense from how he was holding himself. There was a patch of dark hair leading down to his hardness. And he was hard. Standing proudly, head picking out of foreskin, a slight pre-cum gathered up at the top.

“Bucky,” Steve whispered, his heart hammering in his chest. Fast and uncontrolled. He pushed himself back a bit and leaned forward a bit. He noticed Bucky had propped himself up on the bed, to look down at what Steve was doing. Steve, on his part, was starting to get an uncontrolled urge to kiss every place that he could find on Bucky. Which was everywhere. Suddenly he realized that he could do that. But later. Right now, he needed to focus on Bucky. And his heaviness in between his legs.

His fingertips caressed Bucky's dick and Steve noticed his legs tensed up at that. He slowly wrapped his hand around his dick and Bucky let out a breath. Steve licked his lips and moved forward, his hand lazily jerking Bucky's dick. He licked his lips once, and then he just went for it. Wrapped his lips around the head, he sucked.

He heard Bucky curse and gasp in breath of air and Steve closed his eyes to enjoy this. He stretched out his lips some more and took more of Bucky in. He heard Bucky choke out a broken, “ _Steve,”_ and heard a thumb. Bucky was hitting his head back on the pillow.

Steve pulled back with a loud slurp that made Bucky stop what he was doing. He glared down at Steve and said, “ _Are you shitting me Rogers?_  Why did you stop?”

“Stop hitting your head back on the pillows,” he said and adjusted his knees a bit.

“You know what Steve, I- _ohmyfuckyes!_ ” Steve was taking him back in before Bucky would start talking again. Not that Steve was against it when Bucky would start talking, but right now? He needed him to just moan.

After several minutes of bobbing his head up and down on Bucky, he pulled back and started to get his own tshirt off. He was starting to get sweaty already. If it wasn't raining so hard outside, he would get the windows open.  _Wait,_   _when did it get to rain?_

He shrugged and stood up on bed. “What are you doing?” asked Bucky. He sounded wrecked and debouched.

“Taking my pants off.”

“I'd help, but I'm kinda not here.”

Steve chuckled darkly at that and said, “Oh you are. You just haven't had the best part yet.” He pulled down his sweats and pushed down and off the bed. Bucky's lips part and he stared up at Steve.

“Steve...”

Steve started to feel self-conscious. Bucky's stare was unwavering. He was drinking in Steve from head to toe. His eyes lingering on certain part more than usual. Steve slightly felt the urge to cover himself up, but something in Bucky's gaze stopped him. It made him feel taller, somehow, and he felt...something. He didn't know. All he knew that Bucky's eyes were telling a story that shouldn't have made Steve's legs shaky. Shouldn't have made Steve to drop back down on his knees, crawl back on top of Bucky and kiss him senseless. So he did just that. He kissed Bucky to the point where there wasn't enough air in their lungs.

He pulled back, his breathing shallow, Bucky's hand on his cheek. He turned his head and kissed Bucky's palm.

“I want you,” whispered Bucky, his breath fanning over Steve's lips. Steve wanted him too. He needed to feel Bucky closer to him.

Suddenly, he felt embarrassed, for wanting to ask, but not knowing how to approach. So he frowned and kissed Bucky's lips again. Bucky kissed him back, but it felt like he knew Steve had something in his head. He always knew. So he pulled back and stared right into Steve's eyes. Steve felt exposed but he didn't really know how to voice his question, so he waited, and prayed that Bucky would know what he was asking him.

Bucky's lips twitched up on the sides and pulled Steve back down. He kissed him slowly, chastely, lips dancing against one another. He pushed back Steve a bit and raising an eyebrow, he asked, “Do we have lube?”

Steve saw one in the bedside cabinet once, when he was aimlessly walking around the house, feeling bored one afternoon, looking into drawers and cabinets, and remembering where everything was. Steve pushed himself away from Bucky's chest and leaned forward and down to get to the bottom drawer. He shivered when he felt Bucky's hand caressing his side. He took steadying breaths and opened the drawer, and pulled out the bottle.

He pushed himself back up on the bed and adjusted them slightly.

Steve grabbed one of the pillows, tapped Bucky on his hips to get him up and placed the pillow under Bucky's hips. Bucky immediately left his legs to drop wide open. Steve's mouth dried at the sight. Bucky was so exposed to him this way. His dick was hard and standing, proudly nestled back in Bucky's pubes. He looked exposed and it made Steve go gaga for a moment.

Steve grabbed the lube and poured some on his fingers. He lightly grazed his fingertips by Bucky's hole, and his reaction was immediate. His lips opened up in a gasp, wild, lust-filled gaze caught Steve's. Steve felt his breath hitch. The need and the want and anything in between was so raw in Bucky's expression it was hard for Steve to look away. And it only encouraged Steve to do this the right way.

So he started moving his finger in and out of Bucky. He was encouraged by Bucky's reaction on what he liked being done to him. When he was loose enough, Bucky's broken moan sounded like a word. So Steve willed himself to stop and ask, “What, babe?”

“More,” he whimpered. He was slowly moving himself up and down on Steve's finger. “M-more...  _Steve, please.”_

He didn't need to be told twice, so he grabbed the lube again and poured some more on his finger. “This'll feel cold, but it'll heat up,” he said before inserting his other finger.

Bucky let out a chain of well-chosen curse words. Steve was sure some of those words were in Russian. Soon, Bucky was begging for more, and who was Steve to tell him no. So he did add another finger and this time, he twisted his hand just right and-

Bucky's back arched up and off the bed so hard that Steve was sure he was going to break his spine. But he didn't. Instead, he looked wild. Stretched to the point of being cut when and if Steve would decide to cut his ropes. Head thrown back, neck exposed, chest blooming with red blush... his hardness wobbling as he moved up and down. His hand clawed the bed sheets, chest heaving as he did so. He was so hard it was painful for Steve to watch. But what a sight he made. He was the most beautiful creature Steve had ever seen.

“Steve,” Bucky whined, wild eyes catching Steve's. “ _P-please_.”

“Sshh... I'm here,” Steve whispered, moving forward, fingers still inside him, moving rhythmically. “I'm right here. Tell me what you need.” He placed his other hand on Bucky's hips and pushed him back down on the bed. He held him down and waited for Bucky to speak.

“I need you,” said Bucky. “I need you...in me...to fuck me.”

“What.”

Raw, inhibited bloodlust made its way into Steve's head, chest, heart, and his dick. Everywhere. He felt dizzy for a moment so he leaned forward and rested his head on Bucky's chest. His hand tightening on his hips. He breathed in and out from his open mouth, trying to calm himself down. His fingers were still inside Bucky, and the thought of replacing his fingers with his dick was overwhelming.

Bucky's hand clutched the back of his neck and squeezed. He knew that Steve was nervous. Of course he knew. Bucky always knew.

He placed a kiss on Bucky's chest, feeling the saltiness of his sweat on his lips. He shuddered at that. Steve kissed his way up to Bucky's lips. He bit down on his lower lip and slipped his tongue inside, twirling his with Bucky's. Bucky tightened his fingers on Steve's neck and kissed him back passionately. Steve, without breaking their kiss, pulled his fingers out of Bucky, and grabbed the lube. He placed one more firm kiss on Bucky's lips and pulled back.

He sat back on his calves and stared down at Bucky. “You sure?”

Bucky nodded and said, his voice raw and unrecognizable, “Yeah. I want you.”

Steve quickly poured lube on his dick. He leaned forward, braced himself on his arm beside Bucky's head, and lined himself up closer to the hole. His hand was shaking from nervousness. He licked his lips, looked down at Bucky. Bucky was staring up at him. His face was relaxed, his eyes were hooded and his lips were parted. He lifted his hand up and caressed Steve's face, and then he pulled him close to kiss him softly. It was the softest one they'd ever shared between them and it made Steve's toes to curl in.

When Steve pulled back, he rested his forehead against Bucky's and asked, “I forgot to ask...”

“Hmm?”

“Are you a... you know...I just assumed but it was stupid of me to not to ask.”

“What is it?”

Steve pulled back and stared at Bucky. His eyes were open, his hair fanned out over the pillow beneath his head. He looked relaxed and at ease. He had a slight smile on his lips. Steve, on the other hand, was blushing so hard that it was ridiculous. When he blushed his whole face would turn red. Even his forehead and nose, and it would go down to his neck and chest.

“Why are you blushing?”

They were  _naked_  in bed and Steve was being incredibly stupid right now. The answer to his question was the most obvious right now, but it felt like he needed to be  _sure_  that this was it.

“Have you ever been with a guy before?” Bucky's face kind of closed off at the question. But not in the bad way. More like,  _are you for real Steve_  kind of way. Which was probably even worse. “Are you a top or a bottom?” And, no,  _this_  was worse. This questioning was the worst part ever. He did just say he wanted Steve to fuck him. What was  _wrong_  with him?

And Bucky, bless his heart, didn't comment on his questions. He probably knew what was happening with Steve at this moment. He was nervous. Bucky was too. Steve looked down at Bucky with a slight frown, and hesitancy. “What do you think, baby doll?” Bucky whispered hotly, his eyes boring into his. “I can be anything you want me to. Just tell me, and I will do it.”

Steve felt like his entire body was blushing by the pet name. He's never been called that before. He'd never heard anyone use those words together anymore. And Bucky used to call his girls that whenever he'd hang with them, while Steve would stand to the side, shuffling his feet and waiting for Bucky to be done with them to get back home.

But now Bucky was calling Steve that, and it was making him feel dizzy.

He leaned forward and kissed Bucky slowly. He blindly grabbed the bottle of lube again. Not breaking the kiss, he poured some on his dick again, probably making a mess too, but he didn't care. He was too much into their kiss. So he lined himself up again, and then slowly pushed in. Bucky bit down on his lower lip, hard.

Hard enough to draw blood. Hard enough to make Steve zero down on it.

Bucky was breathing hard and fast, his lips parted when Steve moved in some more. His head was in by now and Bucky threw his head back and groaned loudly. Steve placed open mouthed kissed on his neck and pushed in some more. By the time he was fully in, Bucky was shaking and gasping, and mumbling incoherently. He stopped moving and caught his breath. It was a hard task to do when all he wanted to do was drive into Bucky's sweet, hot and inviting hole. Move his hips relentlessly into the heat, until none of them could walk. But he couldn't do it. Not now anyway.

“Steve, Steve,  _Steve, Stevie..._ ” his voice kept whispering and Steve started to kiss his way up to his face. He placed kisses on his cheek, nose, eyelids, forehead, close to his ears. Everywhere he could reach. He kissed him on the lips, slowly. He rested his forehead against Bucky's and breathing him in.

“You good?” he asked. His own voice was unrecognizable even to his own ears.

“Yeah, I'm good. Move. Slow. Please.”

So Steve moved. Slowly. Tantalizingly so. His dick wasn't happy about it, but...it felt good. Real good. Too good. He shuddered as he pulled all the way out and snapped his hips forward again. Bucky gasped at that and tightened his hold on Steve. He did it again. And again. And again... by the eighth thrust Bucky was letting out these little whimpers. His legs were wrapped around Steve's waist tightly, as he pulled him in closer.

“ _Faster,”_  he'd whisper in his ear. “ _Harder, baby doll.”_

And Steve gave him anything he wanted. He went fast, and slow. Hard and soft. Bucky would bring their mouths together more than once, kissing him one or two times, but then his lips would fall open in a gasp as Steve would do something amazing with his hips.

Steve grabbed Bucky's hand in his and moved it up and close to Bucky's head. His other hand was supporting himself up on top of Bucky. His hips moving in and out of Bucky, fast. Their eyes met and Steve felt like he was drowning in the darkness of it.

Few more thrusts and Bucky went to grab his dick. Steve released his hand and braced himself up on both of his hands. Bucky moved his hand with the pace that Steve had decided worked best for them. It was a slow, but a brutal one. Bucky's breathe would leave him anytime Steve would hit his prostate.

“Al-almost there. Gonna-”

“Yeah, baby. Do it for me. Come on,” whispered Steve, his own release close, waiting impatiently to be released. He just needed one final push.

Few more hand strokes and Bucky was arching his back, lips opening up in an 'o'. Eyes squeezed shut and butt clenching around Steve's dick, he came hard and coated his chest with his stripes.

When Bucky's walls clenched down on Steve, he let himself go and came with a shout. He almost collapsed on top of Bucky from the force of his orgasm, but stopped just a shy away from Bucky's cum covered chest.

When they both calmed down enough from their climax, Steve slowly pulled out of Bucky. The slight wince from Bucky's body didn't go unnoticed by Steve. So when he was fully out, he collapsed beside Bucky. They were both breathing heavily. Steve turned his head and looked at Bucky's profile. His face and chest were flushed, but not with exhaustion. Well, partly exhaustion. Steve felt lighter. As if the dead weight of his shoulders were gone. Bucky looked more beautiful like this.

He stifled back a yawn just as Bucky yawned. Bucky turned his head and looked at Steve. His eyes twinkled first, and then a small smile came on his face. “Why are you staring?” he asked, his voice low.

Steve shrugged. He grabbed the blanket on their bed and pulled it out of them. He used that to clean them up. Once they were somewhat clean, Steve moved closer. He wrapped his arms around Bucky, pulled him close to his chest and let his eyes rest for a bit. Bucky was squirming this and that way and Steve held him closer to his chest. He whispered, close to his ear, “Shhh... relax. I got you.”

After a moment of silence Steve realized that Bucky was tense. He quickly released Bucky, who moved away from their position to look at Steve. He looked tired and well debauched. A good look on him that Steve wanted to see every night. “Maybe we should sleep in another position?”

Steve's heart was beating out of his chest by then. He looked so beautiful it was surreal to acknowledge the fact that Bucky _was_ Steve's now. He had always been, but this made things official. It was crazy, and yet, it felt like coming home.

They moved around for a bit and agreed on one that was comfortable for them; Bucky on his back, and Steve resting his head on his chest. As soon as they both relaxed back into the bed, Steve's eyes started to get droopy. He yawned and turned his head, nuzzled his face on Bucky's chest.

“You smell good,” Steve whispered, placing a kiss on his chest. “ _So_ good.”

“Likewise,” Bucky replied with a whisper. He was smiling, and that made Steve relax even more. Bucky's hand carded through his hair, massaging his scalp. It felt nice. He hummed in pleasure, and closed his eyes.

Soon enough sleep claimed him and before he could utter another word, he was drifting off.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... that happened ^^'  
> Tell me what you think!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We don't have to do this,” Bucky said softly. He did sound breathless though.  
> “I want you,” breathed Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slight flashback. More slash (yes, they can't get enough of each other). And a conversation about Bucky's arm.

_**1936:** _

_Steve was sitting in his lumpy bed, his sketchbook propped up on his kne_ _e. It was cold tonight. Winter was on its way and he had wrapped himself up with three large blankets._ _He didn't know if he was going to survive this season or not. He just hoped for the best._

_He was sketching his mother. And since he didn't have the heart to go into his shoebox and get out one of her pictures, he was using one of the many memories he had of her. He didn't think he'd be able to control his sobbing had he had one of her pictures in front of him. He still wasn't ready for that._

_Instead he conjured up an image in his head, one of the many recent ones. She was standing by the sink, her hands busy chopping_ _away some vegetables. Her head was tilted down and she had a slight smile on her face. She didn't look healthy, but she looked happy. Somehow. That's how Steve remembered her anyway. Steve was just about to add some more things to it, when he heard a rapid knocking on his door. He wasn't expecting anyone._

_So he frowned, placed his sketchbook down on the bed, and got out of bed. He had wool socks on that his mother made for him few years ago, but the biting cold, hardwood floor, still crept into his socks and made him shiver. He made his way to the door, and the knocking came again._

“ _Steve? Open up. It's me.”_

_Steve relaxed as he heard the familiar voice. He walked to the door and unlocked up from several points. When he finally opened the door, Bucky came in with his hair windblown and cheeks red from the cold._

“ _Damn, it's really cold out,” he had a bag slung over his shoulder and several plastic bags. Steve closed and locked the door. Bucky made his way to the kitchen, placed the paper bags on the table that Steve just noticed, and began to take food out of them. “My mom kind of made a lot more food for the night, so I picked up the leftovers and brought them here,” said Bucky with a shrug._

“ _You didn't have to. I'm fine.”_

_Bucky shrugged again, and placed some containers in the fridge, “Didn't say you weren't. And besides, you know ma. She wouldn't have let all of these food to go to waste when you could use a proper meal.”_

“ _I'm fine,” stressed Steve, although he was eyeing one of the containers that looked like they held chicken in them. He was hungry after all._

_Bucky seemed to notice how he was staring at the chicken. So he grabbed it, opened it and placed it in front of Steve. “Eat.”_

_So Steve did. It was a bit warm, but it was sort of cold. He didn't say anything though. He devoured it in a heartbeat. Mrs. Barnes' cooking was to die for. Bucky rummaged through the bags and picked out a bottle of lemonade. He cracked it open for him, and placed in front of him. “Drink this.”_

“ _You're not my mom.”_

“ _No, but you haven't eaten real food for a while now, I'm assuming. So you better listen before I call in my mom.”_

_Steve took the bottle and took a sip, “You don't have to call Mrs. Barnes.” he mumbled._

“ _Good,” Bucky said softly. He put away everything in the bags and leaned back against the counter, his arms crossed over his chest. Steve was chewing on a piece of meat when he noticed the small bag on the chair._

“ _What's in there?” he asked._

“ _Those are my clothes,” Bucky replied with a shrug._

_Steve frowned and bit down on another peace. “Going somewhere?”_

“ _Nope. I'm where I am supposed to be.”_

_Steve froze mid-chew and looked up at Bucky. “What?”_

“ _I'm moving in.”_

“ _The hell you are.”_

“ _Look, my mom knows, okay? She told me to look after you. And I am. Whether you like it or not, punk, there are people out there who still care about you. Especially me,” he paused at that. His jaw clenching tight. Steve looked down at his food, feeling awkward. The silence dragged on for a bit longer. And then Bucky said, “Besides, you look like shit.”_

“ _Oh that's swell.”_

“ _When was the last time you showered?”_

“ _Few days ago,” Steve replied quickly._

“ _Looks like a week to me,” Bucky mumbled._

_Steve glared at him from where he was sitting. Bucky looked at him and quirked up an eyebrow. There was a slight smirk playing on his lips that made Steve relax a bit. Steve hesitated for a bit, and then stood up. He took his dirty plate and his now empty bottle to the sink and placed them there. He leaned against the counter and sighed. “I forgot about the time.”_

“ _Did you at least take your meds accordingly?”_

_Steve nodded and then looked down. “I don't know what I'm doing anymore. My mom was everything to me. And now that she's...gone I don't know what to do.”_

_Bucky pushed away from the counter and walked to Steve. He placed his hand on his shoulder and squeezed. “You got me.”_

“ _I can get by on my own, Buck,” he whispered, his voice a bit wobbly, and his eyes watering._

“ _But you don't have to,” Bucky said, his hand tightening a bit more on his shoulder. “I'm with you 'till the end of the line.”_

_Steve turned his head and looked at Bucky. He had a small, sad smile on his face and Steve clenched his jaw, to prevent from crying. Bucky seemed to notice it, because he pushed at Steve's shoulder and said, “Come here.”_

_He brought Steve close to his chest and wrapped both arms around the small, shaking body._

_It started to snow that night and that's when the boys decided to sleep in the same bed because the apartment would get very cold at night._

* * *

 

Steve was feeling warm and comfy when he blinked awake. He was on his side and he was facing the bedroom window. It had snowed outside. What part of Russia were they in that it snowed so early in the year? He had no idea how long they'd been here, but he was sure that they hadn't been here for that long. Probably two months? He shrugged internally and sighed.

More senses came back to him and he felt a slight whip of air on his neck. A hand was curled around his hip. A tense body close to his back. He smiled to himself and then snuggled back to the warmth. Instantly, the body relaxed and curved into his. A small kiss left behind his ear and then a warm cheek was placed on his. “Good morning,” rumbled Bucky, turning his head and kissing Steve's cheek.

Steve smiled at that, and replied, “It really is.”

“It snowed,” Bucky said, his voice still low and husky. He was peppering Steve's neck with kisses and Steve fought hard not to close his eyes and give in to it. He needed to go to the bathroom first.

“I noticed,” he replied, his voice a bit breathy. He felt Bucky's lips curl into a smile and he suppressed a shudder. Bucky's lips made their way to the back of his neck and continued to kiss him there. His hand moved from his hip to his chest, where he pulled Steve closer to him.

Screw the bathroom. That could wait, this couldn't. He closed his eyes and let himself feel for a moment. They fell asleep without wearing any sort of clothing. Even their underwear was nowhere to be found. Not that Steve was complaining. This was an advantage to him. He could stare and ogle at Bucky's naked form as much as he'd want. Bucky's hand was tight on his chest, pulling him as close as he could. Bucky was still kissing his neck, in the same slow manner. He tilted his head down, to give more access to Bucky. He seemed to take the hint because he moved his kisses up and closer to Steve's ear. Steve grabbed his hand on his chest and squeezed tight, a hiss leaving his mouth when Bucky bit down on his earlobe. He turned his head around, his body following suit. Bucky was looking down at him. His expression was soft, his hair a mess, and he had softness into his eyes that tugged at Steve's heart. Steve lifted his free hand up and pushed his hair back from his face. Bucky closed his eyes for a moment when Steve's hand moved to the back of his neck, and then he opened his eyes and Steve's breath caught in his chest. He pulled at Bucky and their lips met for a passionate kiss.

Both boys sighed as their lips met, and opened for a deeper kiss. Bucky's tongue was insistent pressure in his mouth, curling around his, coaxing it into his mouth, suckling on it. Steve shuddered and turned them around, and straddling Bucky's hips. The blankets cascading around them as a shelter from the cold. It wasn't cold in the bedroom, by all means, but Steve was shuddering. The new position made Bucky's hand move down to his hip, and then he moved his hand back to Steve's ass and grabbed it. Their naked bodies molding together as one skin.

Steve pushed back against the hand. It felt amazing. Bucky's hand was rough on the softness of his skin. He loved it. He kissed him harder and moaned as Bucky's fingers dipped down his ass-cheek, finding his hole and dragging his fingertip over it. He opened his mouth in a gasp, pushing his forehead over Bucky's. Their breaths mingling together, heavy breathing leaving their chests. Bucky was staring up at him, and from this close Steve noticed that Bucky's eyes had more gray in them then green. But his pupils were blown wide and he looked almost feral.

“I want to try something,” Bucky breathed in that voice of his and Steve's body was covered in goosebumps.

“Anything you want, babe. Anything,” Steve knew he sounded desperate, but Bucky's finger was still close to his hole and he wasn't thinking straight, nor did he care about how he sounded. He wanted Bucky. And he knew that he shouldn't have any shields up while he was with Bucky. There was no point in it.

“Do you trust me?” Bucky asked, his lips brushing against his, his eyes half-lidded, staring up at him. It was one of those moment for Bucky. To get Steve give him all the control for their pleasure. And Steve agreed.

“Yes, yeah. I do. Yes,” he replied, his voice needy and broken on  _I do._

Bucky gave a full body shudder at that and Steve kissed his lips softly. Bucky pulled back and stared up at him for a moment. He frowned and then asked. “Are you willing to bottom? For me? If not then it's okay. I just want to make sure that you're okay with what I want to do.”

Steve was sure that his heart stopped beating for a few seconds. “Y-yes. Sure. No problem. I can-I can bottom. Sure,” he bubbled out, his hands were restless over Bucky's body. He licked his lips as Bucky's eyes searched his face for something. Probably doubt? Whatever he was looking for, he must've found it because the corner of his lips turned up into a small smile and then he started to move them around. He instructed Steve to get on all his fours and stay still.

The blanket was pulled down and away from them as Steve got into the position. Bucky moved to his back and knelt behind his back. He could feel Bucky's warmth on his backside and he shivered. Bucky placed his hand on his shoulder blade and, after a second of hesitation, he leaned forward and placed a kiss at his spine. His lips dragged kisses all around Steve's back and Steve closed his eyes in pleasure. It felt nice, feeling Bucky's lips on his back, his hair tickling at his sensitive skin. As he made his way down, his hand pushed him down. His ass was left in the air.

Bucky's hand dragged down his spine to his ass cheek. He grabbed one cheek in his hand and squeezed. It made Steve shudder and he tried to not make a sound. He then felt Bucky kissing his other cheek and before he could say anything, Bucky pushed his cheek aside and placed a kiss on his hole.

“Nngh...” Steve moaned at the feeling and bit down on the pillow close to his face. He'd never been rimmed before. He'd never been in this position before. He didn't know what to expect next but he was excited to explore this with Bucky.

And just the thought that it was  _Bucky_  there close to his ass, made him shiver.

Bucky licked at it and Steve shuddered. Bucky then started to kiss and lick at the hole. He was sucking on it as well, and Steve was panting. His mouth was hanging open in silent cries, just as Bucky prodded him with his tongue. “ _Ah!_ ” he cried out as he felt Bucky's tongue go smoothly inside the tight ring. He could feel himself getting harder by the minute.

Bucky was moving his tongue in and out of him, and as he deemed it enough, he added his finger.

Steve shoot up from the bed, his elbows holding him up as he cried out. It felt amazing. Bucky's lips and tongue and fingers were driving him insane. He didn't realize when it happened, but he started to push his hips back into Bucky's mouth. “B- _Bucky...”_ He knew he sounded pathetic, he knew that he sounded desperate, but he didn't care.

Bucky moaned and added another finger, scissoring them now. Steve couldn't help but groan and let out a small cries of pleasure. Bucky pulled back, his lips making a wet sound. His fingers were still working Steve open. “Steve?”

“Mrph?”

“You okay?”

Steve could only nod his head frantically. He turned his head and looked at Bucky. His cheeks were flushing pink, his hair was cascading over his eyes. Bucky was staring down at his hand as it disappeared and appeared over and over again. He looked transfixed at the motion and after a moment he added another finger and Steve mewled at the feeling. Bucky's eyes snapped up to look at his face. His eyes were full blown.

Bucky twisted his hand this and that way, trying to find Steve's prostate. Steve couldn't help but let out a loud groan as Bucky's finger brushed over it. “Th-There. It's...  _aw fuck_.” Bucky looked determined as he kept moving his fingers in the same direction. Steve looked down at his hardened dick; there was a pre-cum leaking out of the tip. He wanted to reach out and touch himself, but his arms shook from the effort of trying to keep himself up.

Steve needed more. He realized that he needed more when Bucky twisted his fingers around and he felt himself loosen up a bit more. He pushed his hips back as Bucky kept moving his fingers in him. “Bucky...” he whispered.

Bucky leaned over his back, his breathe hot and close to his ear. His naked chest felt amazing on his back. “What is it, doll?” Steve shuddered at the nickname. He turned his head and tried to kiss Bucky, but Bucky's fingers were an amazing distraction to him. His mouth fell open as Bucky hit his prostate again. And again. And again... “Tell me what you need?” Bucky whispered into his ear and Steve's mouth fell open in a gasp. “More?”

Steve could only nod at the request. He was too far gone. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth. Bucky leaned forward a bit more and kissed his temple. The contact felt electrifying to his sensitive skin and he turned his head to seek for more, but Bucky had already pulled back from him, his fingers leaving his hole seconds later. He felt oddly empty. He whined at the back of his neck and moved his hips backwards to get more. Bucky chuckled and leaned forward to kiss Steve's ass cheek. “It's okay, doll. You'll get some very soon.”

Bucky was shuffling on the bed a bit and Steve heard the drawer being pulled open and closed. Bucky was getting the lube. Steve's breath hitched as he heard the cap being opened.

Bucky poured some on his dick and dropped the lube close to them. He worked himself up a bit and Steve opened his legs wider. He had to stop and squeeze his dick to not cum at the sight that Steve made. He looked so desperate, and open, and ready to be fucked that Bucky didn't hesitate. He knelt behind Steve and lined himself up to go in.

At first there was some restraint and Steve tried to relax his muscles. He took steadying breaths and willed himself to relax his clenching muscles. It was his first time, after all, but Bucky made it seem easy while he was being fingered. So he tried to relax, again, but to no avail.

“I-I can't... I can't relax,” he whispered. Steve rested his forehead on his forearm and sighed. He closed his eyes and took steadying breaths. He could do it. He just needed to relax a bit.

Bucky was pulling away from his body and Steve peaked at him. He was sitting back down on his shins, his hand holding his dick, fingers playing with the length now and again. He looked so beautiful. With his hair cascading over his face, his abs being all out on a display, strong muscled thighs tense from restrain... his dick hard and red and ready to burst. Steve licked his lips and turned on his back. If Bucky was able to get it, so was Steve. He grabbed one of the pillows and placed it under his hips. He widened his legs and waited for Bucky to move.

“We don't have to do this,” Bucky said softly. He did sound breathless though.

“I want you,” breathed Steve. He grabbed his own dick and moved his hand up and down on it. He had gotten soft when his body wasn’t stretched out enough to accommodate Bucky. But now he was starting to get a bit hard. Bucky was someone that Steve had no problem to get hard for. “I want you in me. I need you in me.”

“I don't want to hurt you.”

“You won't,” Steve assured him. With his free hand he reached out for Bucky.

Bucky hesitated for a moment, but then he moved forward and Steve pulled him close to his chest. He kissed Bucky's head and looked into his eyes. He nodded and helped Bucky to line himself up again against his hole. Slowly,  _very_  slowly, Bucky eased himself into Steve.

Steve closed his eyes and threw his head back down on the bed. It felt uncomfortable at first, but he didn't have the urge to push Bucky away. It felt nice, after he got used to having a dick in him. When Bucky bottomed out, he rested his head on Steve's chest and closed his eyes. His hand was slick with lube, but Steve didn't care as he grabbed his hip and squeezed. He was breathing hard and his puffs of breath was making Steve shiver. He was covered in sweat by now. But he'd never felt this good.

Steve opened his legs up even more and whispered, “Move. I'm ready. Just...go slow.”

Bucky nodded and tightened his hold on Steve's hip. He adjusted his legs a bit, pulled back and pushed right in. Steve's breath left his lungs in a whoosh. He wrapped his arms around Bucky's body and pulled him in closer. Steve kissed his lips slowly, and he gasped as Bucky rotated his hips in again. Bucky was shaking as he took steadying breaths and moved his hips a bit faster than before.

His breath was fanning over Steve's face and he closed his eyes and threw his head back. He moved his hips with Bucky's hips. Clutching at Bucky desperately, he moaned and wrapped his legs tightly around his waist to pull him in closer.

“Faster,” Steve said hoarsely. “ _Harder._ ”

And Bucky complied. Steve's mouth hang open as Bucky placed his hand over the bed and moved his hips in short snaps into the heat. The slap of skin on skin filled the room, their breaths mingling together. Steve was looking up at Bucky; who was looking down at him with hooded and lust-filled eyes. His lips quirked up into a smirk and he rotated his skin just right and Steve saw stars. “Right there, right there...” he desperately whispered, his voice hitching when Bucky moved his hips in that direction repeatedly. “Aw fuck,  _Bucky!”_

“Yeah, I'm here, babe. I'm here, come on,” Bucky leaned forward and placed his forehead over Steve's.

Steve shuddered and moved on of his hands up to tangle in Bucky's hair and the other moved down to pump his dick with Bucky's moves. He could feel that he was close to coming, his balls were drawing up tight and Steve slowed down his hand.

“No, don't stop. I want you to. I'm close,” Bucky whispered desperately. His forehead was covered in sweat, it was dripping down on Steve's skin, but Steve didn't mind.

He moved his hand fast and hard on his dick. The added constant hitting on his prostate by Bucky was the last tip he needed. And moments later, he shout his load on his chest. “Oh  _fuck,”_ Bucky whispered above him and his movements stuttered and a second later, Steve felt Bucky releasing himself in him. Bucky slumped forward and Steve didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around Bucky. His cum be damned, it wasn't like they weren't going to take a shower after this. But for now, he just needed to hold Bucky. He felt relaxed.

Bucky had done everything, and more, to make Steve feel comfortable for his first time. Bucky was shaking, his breathing was uneven, and his hand was clenching on Steve's arm in a vice-like grip. Steve turned his head to the side and kissed Bucky's cheek. “I got you,” Steve whispered fiercely, tightening his hold on him. “I got you, babe. It's okay.”

Bucky let out a low whimper and pulled his hips back slowly, carefully. Steve winced but he didn't feel discomforted. Bucky then moved up a bit on his body and buried his face at the crook of Steve's neck. Steve shuddered as he felt Bucky's breath on his sensitive skin. He turned his face and placed a kiss on Bucky's temple. He noticed that Bucky had his eyes closed, and his breathing was turning into normal.

After a while, Bucky opened his eyes and stared at Steve. Steve smiled down at him softly, and whispered, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Bucky croaked out.

“You alright?” Steve asked, his lips brushing against Bucky's temple.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Just... I overdid myself.” He chuckled and looked up at Steve with warmth in his eyes.

“You should've told me. We could've...changed the position,” Steve said with a soft smile on his lips.

Bucky shook his head and said, “You looked gorgeous. I couldn't stop even if I'd want to.”

Steve blushed at that and he couldn't help the smile that crossed over his lips. He took Bucky's hand in his and brought it up to his lips. He kissed the tip of Bucky's fingers, and ignored Bucky's protest over the fact that his fingers were dirty. “I don't care,” Steve simply said. “I won't get sick.”

“But it must taste terrible,” Bucky said, scrunching up his nose. Steve just shrugged at that, but he moved his kisses to the back of Bucky's hand. That made Bucky relax a bit. Steve smiled and looked at Bucky. “We should move to clean up too.”

“Yes, but since I can't feel my legs yet, we aren't moving anywhere.”

“Steve, you're such a lazy bummer.”

“What? No, I'm not.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow and looked at him. He looked serious, but his lips were trying to hold back the smile that threatened to break out. His eyes looked warm and soft. “We are covered in sweat, and I'm lying down on your dried cum.”

“So? I don't care. I don't wanna move yet.”

Bucky sighed and shook his head, “You're still as stubborn as I remember you.”

“Hey, I got buff, that doesn't mean my personality has changed.”

“Oh-ho ho, yeah no,” Bucky chuckled and he grinned at Steve.

Steve frowned and looked confused, “What do you mean?”

“You're a lot more confident. Well, more  _physically_ confident.”

“That doesn't make sense, babe.”

Bucky tried to elaborate, “I meant like, you were always confident, but because you were so small, it wasn't being used to your advantage. But now, you have the looks and you could bend anyone in your favor.”

Steve frown deepened and looked away from Bucky's face. He hated when people pointed out his body. He knew what he looked like. And people always mistook his confidence for his looks. He was just being himself. Yeah, his body had its perks, but he didn't want for people to know him just because of his body. But then again, one of the many trademarks' of ' _Captain America_ ' was his body. He was a skinny kid from Brooklyn who added several pounds of muscles and weight, and was experimented on with a potent super soldier serum that enhanced everything about him, and became their superhero. He could've gone by his life without agreeing to be this person, but then he agreed to do it because he wanted to help and save his country.

It didn't settle well with his heart that Bucky viewed him this way as well.

“Steve?” Bucky's soft voice cut through his musings. He shook his head and looked down at Bucky. He had a slight frown on his forehead, and he looked worried.

“Sorry, I was just...”

“I'm sorry for what I said,” blurted Bucky. “I didn't mean it in a bad way.”

“I know, Buck. It's alright.”

“No it isn't,” Bucky shook his head and pushed himself up a bit on Steve's body. His hand left Steve's to cup his cheek. “I'm, honestly, sorry for what I said. I don't think less of you, or more. Whether you'll gain more muscles, or if you lose it, you're still going to be skinny Stevie from Brooklyn. To me. Okay?”

Steve let himself smile and soak in what Bucky had said to him. No one has ever told him these words before. Well, when he was back to the living, no one told him something similar to this. He felt his heart growing fonder over his best friend. So he leaned up and captured Bucky's pouty lips into a searing kiss.

When he was satisfied he pulled back and pulled Bucky even closer to his body. If that were even possible. He sighed and let his hand wander over Bucky's back. He loved feeling Bucky's muscles under his hand. It felt soothing and at the same time, he loved feeling Bucky's warmth. He had this constant warmth radiating out of him. It was soothing. Suddenly, he remembered one of the many things he wanted to ask Bucky. He didn't know how to approach the subject, but he had to at least try.

“Bucky?”

“Hmm?”

“I have a somewhat personal question.”

“Okay.”

“How come you adjusted so fast to the fact that you lost your arm?”

There was a silence. Steve wanted for the ground to open up and swallow him whole. Just like that. One big gulp of Steve Rogers and the endless supply of serum in his body. Yeah. That would be so helpful for the ground. Firm and sturdy. No one would be able to drill a hole. Really. Just swallow him whole.

“I guess I'm used to it by now,” Bucky replied, his voice low. Steve paused his hand movement on his back and waited for Bucky to continue. “I mean like, there were times where my arm hurt so bad I couldn't do anything with it.”

“Why do you think it was?” Steve asked softly, when Bucky grew quiet.

“The people that would _use_ me, didn't really care how much it actually hurt to go through the whole ordeal. They wouldn't pause at reprogramming my arm. Or my head. Really. There wasn't anything that I could do those days. And there wasn't anyone running around after me trying to take care of me and trying to keep me calm. Or changing my clothes for me, or showering me, or bushing my teeth. No one was around. So I had to take care of myself. Learned that my right arm would be useful as well. So, that's why I have no problem with navigating around the place with a missing limb.”

“Oh my goodness, Bucky,” Steve whispered and squeezed Bucky in more. “I didn't know... I didn't-”

“No, you didn't know. Because you weren't involved in this,” said Bucky soothingly, his hand going over Steve's chest. He turned his head and placed a kiss on Steve's chest.

“I'm still sorry,” Steve said, holding Bucky closer.

“I know, but you'll get over it,” Bucky said with a chuckle. Steve huffed out a laugh and flicked at his back. “Ow, that hurt,” said Bucky and pouted out his lips.

Steve looked at him and his eyes crinkled on the sides as he smiled. He looked so different. So much at peace that it made Steve fall for him. His smile slowly left his lips and he looked deeply into Bucky's eyes.

He was falling for his best friend. He was falling for a man that probably wasn't even interested in him. But then yesterday and this morning were, well,  _great._ And Bucky seemed enthusiastic and willing and sexy and beautiful and just... everything that Steve needed to be happy about.

He was falling for his best friend and he couldn't let his feelings out. Not yet. They were still new to this whole thing. So instead of saying the words, he leaned forward and captured Bucky's lips into a heated kiss.

They didn't leave the bed for the next couple of hours.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave your thoughts in the comments, I love hearing from you :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This is sort of cheating, you know?” He said. Bucky tensed at that, his expression closing down and Steve quickly added, “Cheating as in you're gonna get a head start on the game and I'm going to lose.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got busy with a bat around the house last night so I'm uploading this at this hour.
> 
> FLUFF GALORE~ and a long ass conversation.

“No.”

“Why not? It'll be so much fun!”

“I don't want to,” Bucky grumbled, burying himself under the heavy blankets.

Steve suggested they go out and play in the snow. Bucky didn’t share Steve’s enthusiasm. It had started snowing several days ago. It looked so pure and white, and untouched, that Steve was itching to get out there since day one. But Bucky was a bit harder to convince. “It's going to be fun. Really, babe.”

Bucky glared at him from the bed, while Steve got his pants back on. “I liked you without those on.”

“Oh?” Steve's lips tugged into a smile by the corners. He was just about to put on his sweater, but he walked towards the bed, leaned down and grazed his lips against Bucky's. They'd been in bed for the last couple of days. Only coming out to use the bathroom or eat. They felt like they had to make up the lost years in the bed, for only in a few days. “I'll make you a deal?”

“Hm?”

“Go out with me and I'll make the rest of your day  _and_  night magical...”

Bucky bit down on his lower lip and looked up into Steve's eyes. He had a slight smirk that Steve wanted to kiss away, but he knew if he started, he wouldn't go out today. “Oh you think so?”

“I know so,” Steve replied with a slight smirk of his own. “Besides,” he whispered, “I'd want to get back here as fast as I can when I go out. I'd hate to see you all covered up like that too.”

“Then why bother with clothes?”

“Because we'll get cold.”

Bucky's hand ran over his chest, his eyes traveling up and down his body. He moaned at the back of his neck and looked up at Steve with hooded eyes. “I want you.”

Steve chuckle was breathy as he pulled back and put on his sweater. “Get up, or I'll go out there alone.”

“That's a sad image. Who are you going to play with?”

Steve shrugged and got his boots on. “I know I won't be alone for long,” Steve said with a smile and left the bedroom. He knew that Bucky wouldn't let him be all alone in the snow.

It was pretty cold outside and Steve shivered slightly. He'd been inside for far too long. Breathing in the clean air, he walked out of the house. His feet were crunching in the snow as he made his way down the dock and in the garden. He loved walking around the untouched snow. There was something pure about it that made Steve feel relaxed. He knelt down and grabbed at the snow. It felt cold on his hands, but not too cold. He balled it up and stood up. He heard crunching in the snow behind his back. With a smile he turned around to see Bucky standing a few feet away from him. He was wearing all black. His sweater wasn't as bulky as Steve's was, though. Maybe he was more used to the cold than Steve was.

Shrugging at that, Steve walked to where he was standing. He dropped the snow ball and cupped Bucky's face. Bucky shivered a bit and whispered, “Cold.”

“Sorry,” breathed out Steve, leaning his forehead against Bucky's. He dipped his head down and captured Bucky's lips in his. They shared a soft kiss, and when Bucky went to deepen it, Steve pulled back and gave him a grin. “Let's play a game.”

“What game?” Bucky said his voice husky.

Steve suppressed a shudder and took another step back. “For every time you manage to hit me with a ball, you'll get a free pass on anything you want to do with me.”

“Anything?” Bucky asked, his lips curling up into a smile.

“Anything.”

“What about if you hit me?”

“Same rules?”

“Sure,” said Bucky nodding. “Can it be questions too?”

“I said anything, it means anything. Can be a question, a thing that you want to say to me, a thing you want to do with me,” Steve shrugged and took more steps back. “Anything.”

Bucky stared at him and if Steve was mistaken, he could see Bucky's eyes were shimmering slightly. Before he could say anything about that, Bucky sniffed and blinked couple of times. He nodded and said, “Let's do it.”

“Wait,” Steve said and Bucky raised his eyebrow. “You...do you need help?” Steve was unsure on how to approach the subject. He was stupid to suggest this game. Or even to go out and play with the snow. Bucky only had one arm. Steve didn't really think about it until now, and he felt embarrassed.

Bucky looked at him with a quizzical look on his face, so Steve indicated at his left side, his cheeks flushing. For his own sake, he blamed it on the cold.

Bucky looked down at his left side and his lips formed an 'oh', as if he'd forgotten about that small detail. “Uhm...” he said and looked up at Steve. His expression was carefully blank. “I'd like that, please.”

“Okay,” Steve said and walked back to him. He knelt beside him and started to make snowballs. Bucky knelt down too. “This is sort of cheating, you know?” He said. Bucky tensed at that, his expression closing down and Steve quickly added, “Cheating as in you're gonna get a head start on the game and I'm going to lose.”

Bucky relaxed at that, his expression cleared a bit and said, “You're gonna have to be extra fast then.”

“Oh I can be fast,” Steve said with a glint in his eyes and smile on his face. Bucky returned it with a smirk, and Steve's racing heart calmed down a bit. “Well,” he said looking down at his handiwork. There were probably around 20 or so snowballs now. “You're ready to go.”

Steve leaned forward and pecked Bucky on his lips. He pulled back and stood up, turned and walked a bit away from Bucky. He scooped down and made a snowball and stood back up. “Ready?” he asked, feeling the excitement run through him.

“As I'll ever be,” Bucky replied with a nod. And then they were off.

* * *

 

They'd been playing outside for the last 40 minutes. Running and screaming, and dodging each other. Bucky was faster than Steve, so he got more of those snowballs hit him square in the chest, than he'd like to admit. Right now, Bucky had Steve on the ground, while he had his leg on Steve's chest, pushing him down and trying to keep him steady. It was unexpected, really. Steve wasn't sure how it happened, but then he felt Bucky's arm wrap around his waist and he was dropped down on the ground. His breath left him with a whoosh, and before he could do anything, Bucky was piling his head with snow.

“Okay! O-Okay! Enough, enough Bucky,” Steve was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe or talk without doubling over. Snow was getting in his mouth and eyes, and ear, and nose, so he was trying to get out as much of it as he could. While Bucky wasn't fully pushing Steve down, it was still hard for Steve to push him off of him, because of how much he was laughing. “Buck, stop!”

“Do you really want me to stop? It's payback!” Bucky said, his voice teasing.

“Payback? What did I ever do?” shrieked Steve trying to wiggle now.

“Because uh... I don't know! Just payback!” Bucky yelled out. Steve laughed again and tried to push at Bucky's hand or leg, but then his hand was seized in a death grip and pulled up over his head. He stopped breathing when Bucky hovered over his head and looked down at him. His hair was wet, falling limply in front of him. His eyes were wide open and bright. His lips were open as he breathed out heavily, but there was a smile on them also. Steve relaxed under the restrain and stopped laughing, his lips stretched into a grin.

“Well then,” he said staring up at Bucky. “Are you going to let me get up?”

“What do I get if I do?” Bucky challenged. Steve groaned at that and he may have thumped the ground with his legs like a petulant child.

“C'mon Buck. You won as it is, let me up,” and he may have also whined.

Bucky narrowed his eyes and tilted his head to the side. “You told me I'd get anything I wanted.”

“Yes,” Steve nodded. “For every hit.”

“What if I want you to be like this for me?”

Steve breathed out a laugh and shook his head, “You kinky ass, let me get up.” He lifted his other hand and added, “See? I'm not even pushing you off, because you know that I can.”

“Oh-ho, are you telling me you can beat my ass?” Bucky asked, raising his eyebrows in mock surprise.

“Duh?” Steve said, cheekily. “I'm Captain America.”

Bucky snorted with laughter but he released Steve and stood up. He offered his hand to Steve and pulled him up. “Here,” said Steve as he started to get most of the snow off of Bucky.

“I should be doing that to you,” grumbled Bucky, rolling his eyes. But he looked soft, so Steve leaned in and kissed his lips softly.

“It's okay,” Steve said and kissed him again. This time he lingered. Bucky wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him in closer. Bucky nipped at his lower lip and slipped his tongue inside Steve's mouth. The warmth of his tongue made Steve shiver. They stood there and kissed for awhile until Bucky pulled back and sighed. His eyes were warm as he looked over Steve's face. Steve felt himself blushing by the intensity of Bucky's stare.

“Let's go in,” Bucky sighed and pulled away. He grabbed Steve's hand in his and walked back to the house. Steve following him in.

Once they were in, they dumped their dirty shoes by the door and walked in more. Bucky walked to the kitchen to get him water, while Steve turned the TV on. He sat on the couch, but before relaxing he pulled off his sweater over his head and dropped it on the floor. He leaned back just when Bucky came to him, gave him the bottle of water and sat close to him, leaning up against his side. Steve placed his arm around him and pulled him in close. He placed a kiss on Bucky's temple and watched TV. Bucky grabbed the remote and started to surf the channels. Thankfully, Natasha was smart enough to get a satellite here or they would've been stuck only with Russian channels.

They agreed on watching the Ellen show. It was one of the many episodes where she had Nick the gardener around. She was once again made him take off his shirt and the crowd went wild. Bucky chuckled and took a sip off his water. “What?” Steve asked looking at him sideways.

“Nothing,” he replied with a head shake. “Just marveling at the view.”

Steve frowned at the screen and down at his bare chest. “Uh...”

“Yeah, I mean. Look at those abs. Those tits. Like, wow... Imagine that covered in sweat, or in cum. Ugh I'd love to bury my face in those tits and have my way with them.” Bucky continued to rattle off on what he'd want to do with the gardener's 'tits' and Steve  _wasn't_  feeling jealous. Nope. Not at all.

Okay, he was feeling slightly jealous. But it was irrational. It wasn't like Bucky could have that guy. Yeah, he was gorgeous, Steve would give him that. But he was sure that the guy didn't even know about Bucky's existence.

“Yours is almost as good looking as his.  _Almost,”_ said Bucky with a serious tone of voice. Steve turned his head and glared at him, with a quirked eyebrow. “What?”

“Do you think he's going to fuck you the way I fuck you?”

“Tsk-tsk, language, Mr. Rogers!” Bucky looked at him with a mock surprised face and Steve rolled his eyes at him. He now could breathe a bit freely because he knew that Bucky was only joking with him. “Now, as for your tits compared to his, I said 'almost' as good as his. Meaning, yours are the best I've ever had the privilege on feeling so far.” Steve felt himself blush at that, and he leaned his head forward and hid his face at the crook of Bucky's neck, his hand tightening on Bucky's shoulder. Bucky rested his head against Steve's cheek and sighed. “You're an idiot.”

Steve poked him on the side and said, his voice muffled, “You're the idiot.”

Bucky chuckled but didn't say anything. They stayed like that for a bit, until Steve pulled back with a deep breath and relaxed back on the couch. Bucky instantly leaned back against him and they continued to watch the show.

“So,” started Steve. Bucky tilted his head to the side a bit to show that he was listening. “What do you wanna do with the 'prize' of the game?”

“Oh,” Bucky said and looked thoughtful for a bit. He then said, “I'd actually would like to ask you some questions, and maybe use one as a sexual favor?”

Steve chuckled at that, but he nodded and said, “Sure. And since I got hit more than you did, you can start first. Ask your questions, and then I'll ask mine. Sounds good?” Steve leaned forward and kissed Bucky's forehead. Steve didn't tell Bucky that he let him win, just because he wanted for Bucky to be more relaxed around him.

“I can ask anything, right?”

“Anything that you want.”

“Okay. Hmmm....” he said thoughtfully and closed his eyes. He leaned his head back on Steve's shoulder and hummed again. “I don't even know what to ask since there are so many things I want to talk to you about.”

“Well, start from whichever makes you more comfortable to start with?” Steve said, with a shrug. His voice tilting with uncertainty.

Bucky seemed to think about it, but then he nodded and Steve relaxed more into the couch. Bucky shifted and then said, “So. Ask anything I want, right?”

“Yes. Whatever you want.”

“Okay then. Uhmm... Am I your first?”

Steve frowned and looked at Bucky. “First what?”

“Anything?” asked Bucky, fiddling with his water bottle.

“Define?”

“Kiss? Sex? Penetration? Anything.”

“Oh God, Buck. Really?”

Bucky shifted a bit and looked at Steve sideways.

“Well.”

“Who's your first kiss? I hope I wasn't the first one.”

“Why hope not?”

“I don't know, just answer the question,” Bucky shrugged and looked into his eyes.

Steve licked his lips and shifted a bit, his arm tightening on Bucky's shoulder. “Define first kiss.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and seemed to catch up with Steve's thoughts. “Not on your cheek you moron. Like lip lock.”

“Lip lock.”

“Yes. Ass.”

“You seemed to love mine,” Steve mumbled. Bucky placed the bottle between his legs and pinched Steve's belly. “Ow! Okay okay! Well, it was Peggy.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah.”

“Tongue?”

“Not really. I was running after Red Skull. It was spur of the moment thing.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Steve said, shrugging.

“Well. So... Her. And who else?”

Steve sighed and started to fiddle with his water bottle. Trying to sound casual and not actually mumble out his reply, he said, “Natasha.”

Bucky frowned and Steve noticed his hand turned into a fist. His knuckles actually turned white and Steve started to rub his shoulder. He looked distressed and Steve started to worry about what this could mean. And then Bucky sighed and relaxed a bit into his chest and said, “Alright.”

“It was an ‘undercover’ thing,” Steve explained, his hand still rubbing Bucky's shoulder. “We were hiding in plain sight from Rumlow.”

“Rumlow?”

“He was an ass.”

That stopped the questioning from Bucky for a bit. He frowned at Steve and leaned forward and brushed his lips with Steve's. Steve closed his eyes and enjoyed feeling Bucky's lips on his. Feeling the plump lips against his, the silky way it brushed against his, and he shuddered because he loved sharing this soft moments with Bucky. Loved feeling Bucky so relaxed against his chest.

Steve playfully bit down on his lower lip, just to hear Bucky's breathe stutter in his throat. That was probably the best sound he heard in his whole life. Or Bucky's moaning. Yeah. That was it. Bucky's moaning. Or his laugh. Even his laugh was his best thing.

In conclusion, Steve realized that he loved hearing any sort of sound Bucky made. In the end, they pull back and Steve relaxes back into the couch, Bucky getting more comfortable on his chest.

“And guy?” he asked, resting his head back on Steve's chest. Steve chuckled and kissed the top of his head. Bucky's hair smelled nice.

“Easy,” Steve murmured, kissing the top of his head again. Bucky turned his head and looked at him.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Serious?” asked Bucky, frowning, but there was a slight smile playing on his lips.

“As a heart attack,” Steve said solemnly.

“What about...” Bucky frowned and looked down at Steve's chest. “I thought you and Sam were...”

“No,” Steve said softly, shaking his head. “Never have, and never will. Sam is still hung on to someone.” Bucky raised an eyebrow and looked up at him, waiting for an explanation. “Riley. His co-...well, everything. Really. He died while they were in Afghanistan on a mission.”

“Oh.”

“So you can drop the whole Sam issue. Please? We're just friends. Only friends, babe.”

Bucky smiled at Steve softly, and said, “Yeah, sorry...”

“Don't worry, baby,” Steve kissed Bucky's forehead. “I'm all yours.” And he meant it. Even if Bucky snuggled closer and rested his head against the crook of Steve's neck, they didn't elaborate on it at all. Steve sighed and nuzzled his cheek against Bucky's head. “Your hair smells nice,” Steve murmured turning his head and sniffling again.

Bucky snorted but didn't say anything. He just relaxed some more and took Steve's free hand in his and intertwined their fingers. He squeezed Steve hand, sighed a bit, and asked, “Since when?”

“Hm?”

“Since when did you...you know, know you were into men?” asked Bucky softly.

“Oh,” said Steve and frowned. He knew the exact moment he realized it, but he'd never let himself feel it freely. It was wrong. He shouldn't have felt like that at the time, but he did and he kept it inside him. Never letting anyone know about it. “Well, it was since before everything else...”

“Really?” asked Bucky, sounding a bit surprised, and a bit curious.

“Yeah. Well, I've never been with a woman before, have I?” asked Steve, shrugging a shoulder. “And Peggy... Well, she looked like a girl, a gorgeous one at that, but her roughness with...everything, really, was something that I'd seen in a man. God, if she were here I'd get smacked at my head for sounding so dumb. I mean, I'm not saying women can't be tough. Like, look at Natasha, and even Wanda. Women can be warriors. But she was different. And stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?” Bucky smiled at him softly. “You look so cute when you're trying to explain yourself.”

“Yeah. Shut up.”

“I didn't say anything.”

“Yeah well, you did. So shut up.”

“I just called you cute, doll. Nothing more,” Bucky chuckled and kissed Steve's chin.

“When did you know you were into men?” asked Steve, trying hard not to blush and looked at Bucky.

That seemed to shut Bucky and he looked away, biting on his lower lip. Steve frowned slightly. “Well?”

Bucky started to fidget and seemed thoughtful. He licked on his lips and looked up at Steve and said slowly, “Most of the women I'd been with, back when everything was normal, when  _we_ were normal, they'd allow me to do anal with them.”

“With the ladies?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Huh.”

“If you'd notice, most of the women I'd pick were flat-chested,” Bucky said, a blush blooming on his cheeks and down his neck. “So, yeah...”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“So you...uh...”

“Yeah. Never been picky.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah,” said Bucky. Fidgeting a bit more, Bucky looked down at their hands and said, “I didn't want to tell you about it before, because I didn't know how you'd react. So I never said anything.”

Steve bit down on his lower lip. He looked sideways at Bucky, noticed how tense he looked. He was probably thinking that Steve was going to dis him for what he'd done in his life. It wasn't like Steve never had his suspicions about Bucky's sexuality and sex life, since he'd pick up girls at random. Steve, at the time, would never ask him why he'd pick that certain girl for the night. Or for the week. It all depended on how they behaved on the first date.

He actually didn't care what Bucky used to do back then. It wasn't like they were together and he had to tell Steve everything that was happening in his life. So instead of making a big deal out of it, he took a deep breath, released it and said softly, “Thank you for telling me.”

Bucky's head whipped up and he stared at Steve with big eyes. “That's...That's it?”

“Yeah,” Steve said with a small smile. And he was sure that that was it. They didn't need to dwell on the past too much. Since it was nothing too big for them.

“Oh. Okay,” said Bucky frowning at him. Steve kept smiling at him. He looked adorable like this.

“You look adorable,” he blurted out, his cheeks reddening with embarrassment, but he didn't care. He could say those things whenever he'd want.

Bucky blushed furiously and his frown deepened. “Stop it.”

“Nope. I can tell you these things now without sounding weird, so you gotta let me.”

“You're weird.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Steve rolled his eyes. “Anything else you'd like to know?”

“What would you usually do whenever I'd go with the...with them?” Bucky asked, tilting his head to the side a bit. His eyes were bright and his hair was loose on one side, while the other was hooked on his ear.

“I'd come home and just sketch.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, well. Most of the ladies would go with other men. I mean, do you remember me back then?”

“Of course I do. But that doesn't change the fact that they were being irresponsible,” Buck said, sounding angry.

Steve brushed the back of his hand against Bucky's cheek. Now he looked hot. “It's not a big deal now, love. It's in the past. It doesn't matter now.”

“Yeah, but you shouldn't have been treated like that,” Bucky mumbled, resting his forehead against Steve's cheek. Steve smiled softly at the way Bucky would sometimes just lean against him for support. It made Steve's heart warm.

There was something that was bugging Steve for a while now. And he didn't know how to ask Bucky about it. So he tried to ask it as indirectly as he could. “So... Tell me something about after the whole...” Steve didn't really finish his question, so he just nodded and pointed at Bucky's left side. A silent question about Bucky as being the winter soldier.

“I guess it was time for you to ask a question, huh?” Bucky said, though his voice wasn't judgmental or accusing. He took couple of steadying breaths and pulled back. He bit down on his lower lip and looked at Steve; who smiled at him and nodded.

“You can tell me anything.”

“I found out about your 'death' in a newspaper,” he said. There was a bit of silence as Steve tried to figure out if he should say anything right now or just keep his mouth shut and wait for Bucky to continue. Which he did. “It was years after everything that happened to me. First time I managed to run away from Hydra because they let me have a breather for an hour more. They had all these schedules that even I didn't understand. Anyway, when I ran away I found this abandoned building and I went in. Walking around there I found this old newspaper and I saw your shield at the corner so I picked it up. I read the article and it... well, it broke my heart.”

His voice cracked at that, and Steve feels like it's his heart that's breaking right now. Bucky continued, “My heart kinda stopped beating for 30 seconds. I couldn't see clear. And at that moment I decided to leave the US. Go someplace else and start anew. Since I had no one here for me, I wanted to go. But right when I was leaving they found me.”

Something in his voice made Steve's inside turn cold. “Later, when they got me tied up to one of their animalistic chairs, and before reprogramming me, they told me that I didn't go far off from their base camp. They told me that I was actually still in the camp when I started to have my heartbreak. They told me that they placed the outmoded magazine there because they knew I was going to try and run away. I was still in their territory and the newspaper was there as a part of torture program that only sick fucks like them would understand. They probably knew that we were close, Steve.” He took a deep breath and said, slowly, “Because after that when they caught me, they'd question me about you. I never told them anything. They knew how to break me, Steve. They knew what to say, what to do... I don't... I never would... I couldn't survive their tortures, most of the time. The only hope I'd have between being reprogrammed was the fact that you were out there somewhere still looking for me. But you were stupid enough to go and get yourself killed.”

“I'm sorry,” said Steve automatically. Even though he knew that Bucky wasn't actually fully mad at him. Not now anyway. He was snuggled up against Steve too comfortably to be considered mad.

“I lost hope,” Bucky continued, as if Steve had never spoken. “I lost the will to live. But because I'm too chicken shit and didn't take my own life, I completely devoted myself to them. Until I managed to run away from them. It wasn't easy, but I did it. And then I was captured again. And this time it was worse than it was before. Years later, Pierce got to me. And then I saw you. On the roof. I knew who you were, but I couldn't remember where from. But then I saw you again on the bridge, and you... when you called me by my name, something triggered in me,” Steve grabbed his hand in his and squeezed his fingers. “And I started to remember some stuff, but then they got to me  _again,_  and they made me forget. They reprogrammed me and I turned into 'Winter' and I guess, something seemed different because I wasn't fully into that...mindset, I guess. Because it was easy for me to get back this time; when I fought you...”

Steve didn't say anything. He didn't know what he was feeling. There was something in the way that Bucky was telling this whole thing that made Steve uneasy. As if whatever had happened to him was okay and it was totally normal for him to talk about it so casually. But then again, there was no other way to talk about it other than what Bucky was doing right now. He shut down all his feelings. He had no emotions leaking into his voice as he told his story.

Steve sighed as he kissed Bucky's head, his lips lingering a bit, his nose being filled with the smell that was purely Bucky. It was pretty addicting to have around. He doesn't know how he got to live his life without Bucky around him all the time. And if he wasn't an idiot back then, he would have Bucky then too. But he was scared and alone, and the only person that he had was Bucky. He wasn't going to take the risk and lose him in the process. But now? Now he gets to hold Bucky as much as he wanted. Kiss him as much as he wanted to. He had forever with him.

“What about your memories? Are they, you know, not there?” asked Steve softly, not pulling away.

“They're still there,” Bucky replied, his voice gone soft and Steve managed to breathe again. He was starting to sound normal again. “And for the first time since, well, since the start, I want to forget most of them. If not all. It's hard to go by every day and pretend as if nothing's bother me from the inside, you know? When I'm being assaulted and haunted by the memories from what I went through and what I did to all these people... But then again,” said Bucky looking up at Steve for a moment. His eyes were emotionless, but the wrinkles by them gave away his real feelings. “I guess this is my life now. I can do nothing, but to suck it all up and move forward.”

“Don't say that.”

“It's true,” Bucky said with a shrug. “It is what it is. I went through shit. I've done fucked up stuff to a lot of people. And what do I get in return? Memories that I'd rather forget, but can't.”

Steve closed his eyes and breathed out through his nose. It was hard. He didn't understand what Bucky was going through, he wasn't going to pretend that he got it as well. But at the same time it was hard to hear Bucky say all of these things as if it didn't matter at all. As if it wasn't wrong to be this way.

He knew that Bucky had a long way to recovery, and he wasn't expecting him to get better just because Steve was showering him with kisses and cuddles. But Steve was willing to wait for Bucky as long as it took to get back on track. With that in mind, Steve slid down the couch and knelt before Bucky. He cupped Bucky's cheeks and leaned forward to brush his lips with his. Bucky's reaction was instant as he placed his hand at the back of Steve's neck and pulled him closer and kept him there. Steve went willingly and let Bucky guide the kiss. Their tongues caressing around each other in a way that made Steve's toes curl in.

He pulled back with a gasp and his hands left Bucky's cheeks to his neck to his chest, and pushed him back on the couch. He went in to bit down on Bucky's lower lip and Bucky gasped out wantonly into his mouth.

“Tell me what you need,” demanded Steve, his hands going down and under Bucky's sweater, pulling at it until Bucky arched his back and Steve got it off of him. His lips instantly attached on Bucky's nipple; sucking and biting on it until it was wet and perky. Bucky shuddered and hissed.

“You,” Bucky whispered harshly. “I need you.”

“Tell me how,” Steve said, licking and biting his way down Bucky's chest, fingers working on Bucky's jeans. “ _Tell me.”_

“I-I want you t-to suck me off,” Bucky stuttered and Steve didn't need to be told twice. He grabbed Bucky's jeans and underwear and tugged it down in one swift motion. Bucky's breath left him in a gasp as Steve took him into his mouth. “S- _Steve..._ ”

Steve was relentless as he took him more and more in, sucking and licking at his length. Feeling bold, he went down more and choked himself on Bucky's hardness and tongued at his balls. He felt amazing. The way it burned his throat, the way he was convulsing around him, the way he was salivating on him... He pulled back with a gasp, his eyes watering. He looked up at Bucky and found him staring at him with wide and surprised eyes. Steve grinned at him smugly and kissed the tip.

“Oh, baby, I'm not even done with you. This is only the start,” Steve whispered and took him back in, making Bucky cry out in pleasure.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Lemme know what you think :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is he in pain?”  
> “I wouldn't call it that. It's more of a discomfort, for now. Later on, it'll be too unbearable.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's one of those chapters that I have my imagination a lil bit more push, I guess. Just keep an open mind with mine, so yeah...  
> It starts off with a bit of slashy goodies.  
> Enjoy~

Hours later, they finally moved from their spot on the couch. They went to the bathroom, where Steve had to wash Bucky thoroughly. Despite the super soldier serum coursing through them, Steve managed to exhaust Bucky in a way that he couldn't even hold himself up in the shower. So Steve had to carry him around; in the shower, and then back to bed. Tucking him in and then spooning him behind his back. He kissed the nape of his neck and nuzzled at his jaw. Bucky let out a small distressed sound and said brokenly, “ _Please_ , no more.”

“I know,” Steve whispered. “I know, baby. Let's just sleep.”

And minutes later, Bucky's breathing was deep and relaxed.

* * *

 

They woke up mid-afternoon. Steve tightened his hold on Bucky, pulling him closer to his chest. He breathed in deeply and the air smelled like purely Bucky. He could live like this. Away from his supernatural world, away from worries. Away from being part of the Avenger team, fighting robots, and aliens and all types of things that he’d never imagined to become alive back in the 40’s. He wanted to be here. Just here, his arms wrapped around Bucky's warm body. Pressed up against his chest, feeling how he breathed in and out softly.

He brushed his lips by Bucky's jawline. Bucky sighed deeply and moved his head to Steve's direction, seeking for his lips. Steve kissed Bucky, sucking his lips in and licking at his lips. Bucky sighed and relaxed into Steve, his hand moving up and cradling Steve's head forward and keeping him in place as he deepened the kiss. Steve responded with enthusiasm. His free hand moved down Bucky's body, down to his hip. He squeezed tightly and brushed the blanket away. He grabbed Bucky's fast erecting dick in his hand and gave a tight squeeze. Bucky moaned into his mouth and buckled his hips up in an urgent motion. Steve did exhaust Bucky yesterday night, and he wasn't going to drag this up either. So he tightened his hand on his dick and pumped his fist up and down his length.

Bucky let out a small needy groan and tightened his hand on Steve's neck. His mouth dropped open, gasping out wantonly. He started to move his hips with Steve's hand movement. Soon, he was crying out, hand digging painfully into Steve's skin. Steve kissed at his open mouth, dragging his lips over to his jawline and down to his neck, where he nipped at his skin and produced another hickey.

“ _Steve..._ ” Bucky whispered, his eyes flying open, only to close again and Bucky let himself go. His dick spurted out small amount of cum on the bed sheets. His whole body shook as he came down from it. Steve loved watching his face as he came down from it. It was the most beautiful thing to see. His face would tighten in pleasure, his eyes would widen, his lips would drop into a gasp, into a perfect 'o' and then he'd let go, his face would relax and he'd get this faraway look in his eyes for just a moment, and then they'd focus on Steve's face and his eyes would fill with so much warmth that Steve's heart would stop beating for a few seconds.

“Beautiful,” Steve whispered into Bucky's mouth and claimed his lips into his once again. They kissed for what seemed like forever. Steve licking his way into Bucky's mouth, their tongues whirling around each other. Bucky moved to lay down on his back and urged Steve to get on top of him.

Steve kicked their blanket off of them and nestled himself in between Bucky's legs. He hissed as he felt his hard dick brush up against Bucky, but it wasn't enough. So with his dirty hand he lined their dicks together and started to move his hips against Bucky's. He bit down on Bucky's lips as the friction created between them made him feel pleasure all over his body. He gasped out and moved even faster, the pre-cum from his dick and the cool cum on Bucky's dick made his movement be a bit slicker. Bucky pulled his head closer to his, and kissed Steve's lips. He kissed him with so much passion that Steve shuddered, and after several more hip movements, he was spilling himself on them both. He groaned at the back of his throat, biting down on Bucky's lips, trying to restrain himself from shouting loudly.

Coming down from his high, and trying not to crush Bucky, Steve moved to his side and flopped down on his back. His breathing was fast as he stared up at the ceiling, his eyes wide and open. He turned his head and found Bucky staring at him. He had a small, self-satisfied smile on his lips. And Steve couldn't help but return it.

Steve lifted his clean hand to Bucky's lips, thumb brushing against his lower lip. Bucky wrapped his lips around his thumb and sucked him in, tongue swirling around the tip. Steve's lips parted and he let out a small sigh. Bucky had sinful lips that would make Steve go crazy with want and need.

“You look so beautiful,” Steve whispered.

Bucky smiled around his thumb and bit down on it softly, teeth flashing in the light atmosphere of the bedroom. It was getting close to around 5 pm, probably, and Steve didn't even want to get out of bed any time soon. But they had to shower, again, and eat. They needed food in their system if Steve was going to get them into this position again. He knew he was getting clingy and obsessive with Bucky's body, but honestly, he couldn't find it in himself to feel guilty about it. He never had _this_  before, so he was enjoying it as much as he could.

He wasn't even going to think about the looming darkness of what was wrong with Bucky. He wasn't going to ruin his mood with that. He was being selfish, he knew that, but Steve wanted to enjoy this Bucky as much as he could, before everything went to shit. He knew that something big was going to happen, but he didn't want to think about that. He just wanted to enjoy Bucky as much as he could. With that in mind, he leaned forward, kissed Bucky's forehead, and got out of bed. He stretched and saw as Bucky appreciated the view.

Rolling his eyes, and with a small smug smirk on his face, Steve made his way to the bathroom. He got the shower head running with warm water and got inside, knowing that Bucky was going to join him soon.

And true to his thoughts, Bucky slowly made his way into the shower. He wrapped his arm around Steve, placing a kiss on Steve's shoulder, and let Steve to sway back into his embrace. They didn't leave the shower for more than 30 minutes. They got distracted. Again.

* * *

 

They finally managed to get dressed, between sharing kisses and trying not to get too handsy while doing so. They emerged from the bedroom with silly grins on their faces only to stop dead by the alcove and stare at the scene before them.

“Finally. I thought you were never going to come out of there,” Natasha said, rolling her eyes and drinking from her mug. She was sitting by the counter, legs crossed on the high stool. Bruce was sitting opposite her, he was reading through some files that were in front of him. Sam was sitting on the sofa watching some football game on the TV. Tony was standing by the window, with his arms crossed over his chest, a smirk firmly on his lips, while his eyes looked wild with amusement.

“I think we heard more than enough to know why they didn't leave the bedroom sooner,” Tony said as he walked to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water.

“What...what are you doing here?” Steve stuttered, trying not to blush by the fact that they might've heard them going at it in the bedroom and in the shower.

“We have some news,” said Bruce, peering at him from his glasses. Everyone shifted in a way that made Steve tense up a bit. He looked around, stared at Natasha who seemed to be fascinated by her shoes. And then at Sam who was staring at Bucky, and then at Tony who didn't look as amused as he did few minutes ago. Steve swallowed, hard, and walked to the counter. Bucky trailing after him.

Steve sat at one of the stools and Bucky stood right beside him, his shirt brushing up against Steve's bare arm. It was comforting.

“What's the news?”

“The scans showed what's been really going on inside him. I have them here...” Bruce trailed off as he tapped the folders in front of him. Steve looked down at it, feeling his heart beating fast in his chest.

“What is it?” asked Bucky. His voice calm and hard. Steve looked up to see what his face looked like, but the man had the perfect mask of indifference. Steve instantly knew that Bucky was worried, but he didn't want to show it in front of his friends. After all, all these people tried to stop him at least once, and he didn't trust any of them. Well, all but Bruce. With a jolt, Steve realized that Bucky didn't even know what Bruce is.

Bruce looked at Steve and then his eyes slid to Tony. Steve caught the movement and he stared at Tony as well. “Tony?”

Tony seemed to hesitate for a moment and then walked to where Bruce was sitting. Sam joined them by the table. Natasha scooted her stool closer to Steve's.

“Okay, I don't like hitting around the bush so. Here's the rough summary of what's happening to Barnes. He's dying.”

“Dude, you're as subtle as ever,” said Sam with an eye role.

“Way to break the news, Stark.”

“There are ways to break these kinds of news to people, Tony,” Bruce said staring up at Tony with round eyes.

“What? I broke the ice and now you can go ahead and translate what's written in the papers in front of you, for them to get what's been happening to him all this time.”

“Yes, but it could've been done with a bit more care,” Natasha said, rolling her eyes at Tony.

They bickered back and forth between them but Steve wasn't listening anymore. There was a loud sound in his ears that wasn't going away. His heart seemed to slow down its beating into a crawl and his vision was starting to get a bit blurry. He didn't even dare to look up and see what Bucky's face was doing because he knew whatever he'd see there wouldn't sit well with him.

“Explain.” Steve said, and everyone stopped talking at once.

“The brain scans that we did the last couple of times we were here, showed an abnormality in his brain,” Bruce said, his voice soft and gentle. He pulled out a CT scanned file and placed it in front of Steve. He pointed at one of the many scans there and said, “I don't know if you know it, but in normal human brains, this part here is considered to be a brain tumor. In his case,” he pointed his finger at Bucky's direction. Steve didn't look up. He was still staring at the black and white scans in front of him. “It's bothering him in ways that wouldn't really bother someone with a super serum coursing through them.”

“How's this bothering him?” asked Steve. His voice void of all emotions, but anger.

“It's pushing against the part of his brain that holds memories,” said Tony pointing at another scan. “Eventually, it'll start to push against his speech and movements. Which will then cause his eyesight to fuck up.”

Steve curled his hand into a fist and breathed out deeply. He felt Bucky move by his side, and then his warm hand was prying Steve's hand open. Steve let him do it. And then Bucky was holding his hand in his, in a vice like grip. Steve squeezed back. He knew that he had to give as much support as he could to Bucky, but he couldn't wrap his head around to what was happening.

“Is there a cure?”

“Not really. Unless you're a miracle worker and know how to get this thing out of his head without damaging anything in the process, I'm all ears,” said Tony with a shrug, staring right at Steve. “Besides, it doesn't even look like what a normal tumor would look like.”

“What do you mean?” Steve frowned as Bruce shuffled the papers in front of him and came out with another scan. He placed both of them side by side and pointed at the white balls on them. Bucky leaned forward to look at them too.

“Do you see how a normal tumor looks like? The one that Bucky has looks abnormal in a way that shouldn't be in the first place,” Bruce said, his voice once again gentle. Trying to calm Steve down as best as he could. Which wasn't really working on Steve. He had been so stupid to even think that there might be a chance of normalcy in their lives. “You see the difference? I, personally, don't think that...” he trailed off and Steve looked up at him.

“Don't think what?”

“Bruce,” Tony said in warning. Bruce looked at him with a raised eyebrow. Tony's eyes were hard.

“Don't think _what?”_ asked Steve forcefully.

Tony and Bruce continued to stare at each other. Steve started to feel irritated, that they were having a some sort of silent conversation, that there was something they weren’t telling him. His free hand slammed hard down on the table, making them all jump. Bucky tightened his hold on his hand. He took couple of deep breathes to calm his racing heart. He didn't want to cause a fight between all of them. It was a rocky relationship as it is. He looked up at the men before him and said, as calmly as he could. “You tell me what's really going on, right at this second, or I swear...” He left the threat go, because he knew that they knew what he meant by that.

“I think that this had something to do with his arm,” said Bruce slowly, speaking with as much ease as he could. “When it was...blown off, it had more than his arm movements and strength connected to it. It had this chip in it,” Bruce produced another picture of a small chip that looked like a phone memory chip. “Which would activate the chip inside his brain. Had he tried to do something to himself that wasn't supported by whoever owned him at the time. Say, remove it. In this case, it got blown off.”

“Why does it look close to what a normal tumor would look like?”

“Because they planted it right into the nervous system in his brain cells. We deactivated the tracker on his arm and stopped all sorts of activity that would cause harm to anyone.”

“Well, you did a shit job of that, didn't you?” Steve said scathingly.

“Steve,” berated Bucky. This was the first time he spoke in front of them. Steve felt his hackles rise once again. This time he didn't hold back his anger as he rounded on Bucky.

“What? What do you want me to say? That everything's great? That what they did was awesome? That this man,” he pointed his finger at Tony, who shifted uneasily on his feet. “Caused you more harm than anyone else.”

“Hey, that's not fair.”

“Shut the hell up, Stark.”

“Steve, listen,” Bucky said trying to get Steve's attention back to him. And his voice was so calm and soothing that it made Steve's skin crawl with unease. As if this was nothing. “Listen to me, Tony didn't do anything to me. Understood? He did what he had to do in order to save himself from me. You can't blame him for something that was done to me decades ago. It's wrong. I'm sure you know and understand it, right? Steve... Steve, come back here.”

Steve had pushed away from the table and walked out the house. It was slippery and cold outside. His bare feet were going to freeze and fall off, but Steve didn't care about it at all. He didn't care about anything. Really. He just needed to get away and from Bucky's calm voice and calm demeanor. And just calm  _everything._  He just couldn't stand there and act as if everything was okay because obviously everything wasn't  _okay._ Everything was fucked up in so many ways that Steve had to stop and lean against one of the trees. He blinked and realized that he was somewhere in the forest. He hadn't realized that in his anger, he had walked right in and wasn't aware of where he was at this moment.  _This_ didn't matter.

What mattered was that the only person he had actual feelings for was going to die. The only man in his life that he managed to freely be with, without thinking about the consequences of his actions, was leaving him. He didn't realize that his knees gave up and he was sitting in the cold snow by the tree. He didn't realize that there were tears running down his face. He didn't realize that Sam had followed him, and was now sitting by him, his back to the tree, giving silent support for his grieving friend.

Minutes passed by and Steve heaved out a huge breath and leaned up against the tree as well. The two friends sat there, staring at the trees that were covered in white snow, looking cold and beautiful.

“What am I gonna do Sam?” asked Steve, his voice hoarse and dry. He sniffed and rubbed at his eyes with his hands.

Sam sighed and after a moment of silence, said, “I think that you should go back and be with Bucky. I think that you shouldn't be out here, all alone, while he's worried sick about you back in the house. I think that the person that should be comforting him isn't supposed to be Natasha.”

“I just... I can't...”

“It's not about if you can or can't. It's about if you're willing to be by his side on his last days, provide him the support that he needs. Not have a breakdown in front of him, like this one, because it's getting too much to handle.”

“Of course I'm going to be by his side. Without a doubt.”

“I believe that you will. I have no doubt in it either,” said Sam, brushing his shoulder with Steve's. “I'm going to stay around for a couple of days, so you two won't be all alone together.”

Steve nodded his head, “Thank you.”

“Don't thank me. I'm sure you'd do the same for me,” Steve looked at Sam and nodded, because it was true. If Sam would need his help he'd leave everything to be by Sam.

“Let's get back to the house, yeah? You're gonna freeze your ass out here,” Sam stood up and brushed off the snow. He extended his hand to Steve.

“I don't really feel the cold too much,” said Steve taking Sam's provided help. He brushed off the snow too and both friends made their way back.

“So,” said Sam with a smirk on his lips. Steve raised his eyebrows and stared at him. “When did _that_ happen?”

Steve blushed furiously and said, “I don't know what you're talking about.”

“You know I'm cool with it.”

“You're gay, that's why you're cool.”

“That makes no sense whatsoever because Tony's straight and he's cool with it. Come to think of it, a lot of people who are straight don't give two flying fucks who you fuck. Hah. That rhymed.”

Steve rolled his eyes but he couldn't help the smile that spread over his lips. “Yeah, well. It happened. I feel like it was a long time coming.”

Sam whistled. “Woah, who would've thought, right?”

“Yeah...” Steve trailed off and he looked down at his feet.

“Everything's going to be okay, Steve,” said Sam clapping him on his shoulder. Steve didn't answer, because he knew that in the end, nothing was going to be okay. 

The rest of the way back to the house was a silent one. Steve didn't realize how far he walked away from the house and it took them few minutes to get back to the clearing. Steve's heart stuttered as he saw Bucky standing outside, looking worried. His hand going through his hair over and over again. As soon as he saw Steve though, he broke out into a run and Steve was ready to catch him. Their bodies collided and Steve wrapped his arms tightly around Bucky's. He sniffed deeply and Bucky smelled so good. He smelled like home. It was the best smell he could ever bear to inhale all the time. Bucky made him feel safe and warm. With a pang, he realized that he wasn't going to have Bucky around all the time after however long he had to live.

Bucky turned his head and buried his face at the nook of Steve's neck, His hand tightening around Steve's waist, pulling him closer. Steve shuddered as he felt Bucky's warm breath on his neck and tightened his hold on him.

“I'm sorry,” he said.

“Are you okay?” asked Bucky. His voice trembling slightly. Steve felt like an ass at that moment. He felt selfish for leaving Bucky like that, and didn't even think twice before his actions. He turned his head and kissed Bucky's head, more than once.

“I'm okay. I'm sorry I left. I was an idiot. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry.”

“You got scared,” Bucky mumbled, his lips brushing against Steve's skin.

Steve let out a shuddery breath and nodded, “Yeah. I got scared.”

“I got you,” Bucky said. And thankfully he didn't say what everyone kept telling him. That it was going to be okay. They both knew that those were just words. Meaningless words that people told the ones grieving so they would feel like they'd accomplished something good for the day. It provided nothing, but empty words of comfort.

“I don't want to leave you,” whispered Bucky. His voice trembling more now, and Steve felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest.

“I know,” murmured Steve. Not trusting his voice to be any louder. “I know, baby. I know. I got you.”

They stayed like that for a few more minutes. Hugging each other in the snow, their feet cold on the ground, their noses red from the wind. Eventually they pulled back from the hug and Steve cupped Bucky's cheek in his hand, leaving his other arm hugging Bucky's body close to his. He leaned forward and rested his lips on Bucky's.

Their lips brushed up against each other, leaving them warm and buzzing after the small, intimate kiss. Someone cleared their throat in the distance and Steve pulled his head back, kissing Bucky's forehead as he looked up at who was there. Natasha was standing a few feet away from them, arms crossed over her chest and looking apologetic.

“I didn't want to disturb you, but... Bruce would like to run some tests on you, if that's alright.”

Bucky looked up at Steve for a moment. Steve saw the small fear in his eyes, but it soon got replaced by indifference. Bucky pulled away from Steve, but not too far. He held Steve's hand in his and tugged at it. The three of them silently made their way back to the house. Once inside, Steve realized that they were both shaking. He hadn't realized how cold it was outside until the warmness of the house got under his skin. There wasn't anyone around, not even Sam, who apparently left the boys and walked back to the house alone.

He shivered slightly. It wasn't like he could get sick, but now he was worried about Bucky. He didn't know how weak Bucky was now, so with that in mind, he lifted their hands up to his lips, kissed Bucky's knuckle and told him to go down to the basement with Natasha, “I'll be right back.”

Natasha nodded, while Bucky frowned and tightened his hand on Steve's, and asked, “Where are you going?”

“I'm gonna grab something warm for you. I won't be long, babe.”

Bucky seemed to hesitate for a moment, and then nodded. Steve smiled softly at him and released Bucky's hand from his. It wasn't easy, but he did it. Steve walked to their bedroom, and to the wardrobe. He rummaged through it for a bit and grabbed one of the black sweaters and thick wool socks from the drawers. He walked back out, and down to the basement.

When he got down, Bucky was sitting up on the table, without his shirt on, and Bruce was working on his arm, while there were wires connected to his chest. He frowned slightly and walked up to them. “What are you doing?”

“We are getting his pulse, BP, analyzing his blood flow, and everything else that might help us.”

Bucky looked up at Steve over Bruce's head and gave him a slow smile. Steve's face softened and he returned the smile. He walked up to him, knelt down before him and got Bucky's socks on.

“What are  _you_  doing?” Bucky asked.

Steve shrugged and mumbled, “Your feet are freezing.”

Bucky was silent for a bit and then asked, “You're going to be like this the whole time, aren't you?”

“Maybe,” replied Steve standing back up. Bucky had a small smile on his lips and Steve quirked up an eyebrow. Bucky chuckled and shook his head. Steve reached out and looped Bucky's hair back over his ear. Bucky looked at him softly and sighed. He turned back to Bruce and asked.

“Everything okay, doc?”

“Hmm? Yeah. Yes. Everything's okay. I'm just getting these wires in their places so it won't hurt you too much anymore.”

“It's been bothering you?” asked Steve, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I usually sleep on my left side and it was becoming a bit uncomfortable for me. So I asked him to fix it up for me a bit,” explained Bucky looking between Bruce and Steve.

“I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me?”

“It's not important.”

“It is important if it's connected with you.”

“Steve.”

“No, Buck. I need to know everything that's happening with you. Okay?” said Steve a bit forcefully. He felt his heart racing again and he knew that he was starting to feel anxious once again. Bucky grabbed his hand and squeezed his fingers.

“I'm fine, okay? It was just bothering me a bit, and doc is taking care of it,” Bucky said tugging at his hand a bit and Steve nodded.

“Yeah, okay,” he sighed and rubbed at his forehead. “I'm just worried.”

“I know,” said Bucky softly. “I am too.”

Steve looked at him sadly and nodded. Bruce worked on his left side a bit more, and then he placed his tools down on the table. “Do you still feel the same discomfort as before?”

Bucky moved his left shoulder a bit and after a moment he shook his head. “Not really, no. Thank you.”

Bruce gave him a shy smile and started to gather his things up. “Lie down in a bit so we can start monitoring you.”

Bruce picked up his tools and walked to the far side of the basement where the others were. Natasha and Sam were talking to each other in a whisper, and Tony was in front of his tablet once again. Steve turned to look at Bucky, who was staring down at his feet. Steve sighed and placed his free hand on Bucky's neck. Bucky tightened his fingers on Steve's hand.

“Doc is good,” Bucky said, pulling at Steve's hand and placing it in his lap. Steve had to take a step forward so he it would be more comfortable for them to stay like that.

“Yeah, he is a nice guy.”

“He seems too calm. He isn't high, is he?”

Steve chuckled and shook his head. “No, no. He isn't high. He just has to stay calm.” At Bucky's questioning look Steve said, “Trust me, we better keep him that way, or we won't make it out of here in one piece. Unless Natasha gets involved.”

“I don't understand what you're talking about.”

Natasha was approaching them, so Steve took a step back and told Bucky, “I'll explain later.”

“We're ready for you. If you would just lay down.” Bucky complied and relaxed on the table. She turned to Steve and said, “And you, try to keep him calm. Don't make him too excited right now.”

“Nat,” Steve said, feeling embarrassed.

“Don't 'Nat' me, Rogers.”

“We'll talk, okay? Not now.”

Natasha stared at him for a moment, then she turned around and walked back to where the others were.

“What was that about?” asked Bucky staring after Natasha with a frown.

Steve sighed and grabbed one of the stools close to the table and sat down on it. He rolled it closer and grabbed Bucky's hand in his. “Few weeks ago, before everything happened between us, Nat asked me about us. And I denied it. Somewhat. I think. I don't know. So I'm guessing I'm gonna get an earful from her.”

“She's a homophobe? I mean, she's Russian. I wouldn't be surprised if she were.”

“Oh, no. She isn't. She is just gonna tell me off about not including her on how I actually felt about men. And how much of a virgin I am. Or was, in this case.”

“Little virgin Stevie.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes,” said Bucky with a grin. Steve couldn't hold his serious face so he cracked a smile.

“Idiot.”

“At least I was the one that got to enjoy the perfection that is Steve Grant Rogers.”

Steve was left speechless for a moment. He stared at Bucky and then shook his head. “You ass.”

“Oh wow, I say a compliment and this is what I get? Okay, Rogers. No more compliments for you.”

“What? No. Wait. Come on. I love it when you compliment me, I'm sorry.”

“Nope.”

“Bucky.”

“Nuh-huh.”

Steve leaned forward and kissed Bucky's cheek. “I'm sorry.”

Bucky looked at him and then rolled his eyes. He bit down on his lower lip and tried not to laugh. Steve breathed out in relief. It was ridiculous of him to think that for this, Bucky would get mad at him, but at the same time, he wasn't going to risk it in any way. He knew he was going to be a pain for the next couple of days, but he didn't care. He just wanted for Bucky to feel as relaxed as he could.

“Turn to your right side, Barnes,” Tony said.

As Bucky did as he was asked, Bruce came up to him and connected more wires to his back. “What's that for?”

“It's for your heart beat. We are trying to get is from behind too. It tells us a lot, to be honest,” Bruce said as he connected the wires. “Just stay like this for a minute, and then I'll get these off of you. We're almost done.”

Bucky nodded and stared at Steve. Steve smiled at him softly, but he knew that it looked more like a grimace than anything. Bucky grabbed his hand again and squeezed it. “I'm okay,” he whispered for Steve.

Steve sighed and nodded. “Yeah.”

It took them awhile, but soon they were all done and Bucky was up again. His sweater was back on and he looked a bit tired. Bruce was tapping on one of the many tablets in the basement, his glasses perched low on his nose. He looked worried. Steve left Bucky by the table and walked towards him. Tony looked at Steve sideways, then at Bruce and then started to type away on his tablet. Sam was standing close by, his arms crossed over his chest. Natasha slid off and away from the men and walked to Bucky. Steve was too concerned about Bucky's health to even tell Natasha off from whatever she was going to do with Bucky. He stood beside the screen table and waited for Bruce to get done with his writing to speak. Once he was done, he took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and point finger. “How bad is it?” Steve asked softly. Bruce seemed to hesitate so Steve added, “Don't bullshit me. Tell me the truth.”

“Right now, by the looks of it, it's stage 3 cancer going into 4, really fast. It shouldn't be this fast, but considering your metabolism and the serum, it’s also trying to heal him, but its failing,” said Bruce, sounding apologetic. “It’s much stronger than Bucky's serum.”

“Can you help him?”

“I can help him,” said Bruce, “by getting him medicine that will soften the sharpness of his pain.”

“Is he in pain?”

“I wouldn't call it that. It's more of a discomfort, for now. Later on, it'll be too unbearable.” Bruce bit down on his lip and then added, “It's starting to spread too. His lungs are going to get consumed soon. And then his heart. And it's going to happen very fast.”

Steve swallowed hard, and debated on whether to ask the question that had been nagging at his brain from the very start of this whole thing. Bruce seemed to know what he was going through because he walked up to him, placed his hand on his shoulder and said, “You're going to need to get yourself prepared for anything, Steve. He still has a month or two, if we are lucky. Enjoy it while it lasts.”

Steve's knees had gone weak and he had to lean against the table to not fall to the ground. Sam was there to hold him up. “Get a grip, Steve. Bucky's watching and I don't think you'd want him to see you like this.”

But Steve's mind was clouded by what Bruce had told him. He had a month, or two. If they were lucky. He cupped his mouth with his trembling hands and squeezed his eyes shut. Trying to calm himself down before Bucky could see him like this.

After several moments of trying to breathe in and out of his nose, to calm himself down, he turned around and looked at Natasha and Bucky talking. Bucky wasn't really paying attention to whatever Natasha was talking about, since he was just nodding at her, but his eyes kept looking at Steve's direction. Bucky wasn't stupid. He knew what was happening. He knew whatever they talked about right now wasn't good, but he didn't approach Steve, didn't interrupt Natasha. He just knew. And he didn't have any other choice but to face it with his head held up high.

“What am I supposed to do?” whispered Steve, looking at him for a bit longer than turned around again to talk to Sam. “What am I supposed to do?”

“For starters, you're going to get a grip on yourself. And second, you're going to do everything in your power to make these last few months as memorable as you can in this house,” whispered Sam, his voice soft but hard all the same. “If you don't want me to stay, I won't stay. I'll give you your privacy. But me and Nat will fly out here every week to see how  _you're_  holding up. Got it?”

Steve nodded and took another shaky breath to calm him down. “Okay... Okay. I'll... I'll keep together. I just...”

“I know,” said Sam. Steve looked up at him and he saw the pain reflected in his friend's eyes. He went through the same thing, after all. Sam shifted a bit and then said, “You'll pull through this. I know you can, that's why I'm so calm about it. I know it's going to be hard for you, because you just got him back. But I also know that when the time comes, you'll be able to let him go. Because that's what you do when you love someone.” Steve looked up at Sam, his eyes wide and a denial on his lips. But his breath caught and he couldn't say no to Sam. He couldn't utter the words that he didn't love Bucky Barnes. Because he knew, deep down, that it wasn't true. Sam's eyes softened and he said, “You fight for what you love, but when it comes to it, when it comes to their pain, you know the only way to help them is to release them from it.”

Steve knew that Sam was right, of course he was right, but he couldn't provide Sam with any answer. Because if he'd open his mouth, he wasn't sure what would come out of it; words, or screams of agony and pain.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... What did you think?
> 
> PS: I've started on a new Stucky. Wish me luck! :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you going to look at me? Like, at all?” asked Bucky and it stopped Steve for a moment. And then he reached out to fold Bucky's dirty clothes. “Steve?” asked Bucky in a small voice. As if if he'd speak any louder it'd spook Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh look at me, updating the new chapter :')  
> so more shmexy stuff. and then some angsty stuff. and then some more of that talk thingy.

“Do you want to cut your hair?”

“Do you want me to?”

Steve shrugged and continued to play with Bucky's hair. They were lying down on the couch; Steve on his back with Bucky half laying on Steve's chest. They were having a lazy Sunday. Few days ago, the team was here to tell them about Bucky's case, and since then, the boys had been having more of these lazy days together. It was still snowing outside, and they were wearing their black sweats with navy t-shirts. They had matching sweats on and it looked ridiculous at first, and they had a good long laugh about it, until Bucky looked at Steve softly and gave him this small smile and said that they looked great. It made Steve feel hot under his t-shirt but it didn't matter.

Bucky shifted a bit and rested his chin on Steve's chest to look at him. Steve's face softened and a small smile graced his lips as he stared at Bucky. He looked so beautiful like this. His face was unguarded. His hair was loose on his head and he looked incredible. Steve ran his fingers through Bucky's hair, massaging his scalp a bit.

“Steve?” Bucky looked up at Steve and then away.

“Yeah, love?” Steve whispered, his fingers still going through his hair.

“What...What's gonna happen to me?” he asked. His voice was low, and soft. It had a touch of fear in it.

“You weren't paying attention to Tony or Bruce when they were talking?”

“No, I was. I was... but at the same time, I don't get it.”

Steve sighed and said, “There was this chip that got activated when Tony blasted off your arm, and Bruce tried to fix it as much as he could. The slight movement of it caused another chip, that was placed in your brain, to activate too. It was going to have this fucked up effect on you... So now, it's-”

“-having that fucked up effect on me. Yeah, I know,” finished Bucky in a whisper and a nod. He looked away and then placed his head back down on Steve's chest. “I'm not gonna lie, I'm kind of scared,” Bucky said, but he sounded so normal that it gave chills to Steve.

“Why are you scared? I'm with you.”

“No, I'm not scared of what's it gonna do to me,” Bucky replied. He perched his chin back on Steve's chest and Steve could see his eyes clearly. He looked worried. Sounded like one too. “I'm scared of what's it gonna do to us. I don't... I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to lose me too. I mean, we just got together, you know?”

Steve's heart crumpled into pieces at the revelation. He pulled Bucky closer to him and hugged him as tight as he could. Not wanting to think about the outcome for now, he started to place kisses on Bucky's head and stopped when Bucky started to giggle and told him to cut it off. Bucky looked up at Steve and they were back to kissing again. Bucky wiggled up a bit on Steve's body to get closer to his face. He placed his hand on Steve's cheek and deepened the kiss. Steve happily obliged.

Eventually they stopped kissing. Bucky rested his forehead against Steve's lips. Steve breathed him in and closed his eyes, savoring the moment. Bucky's heart was beating against his chest steadily. Healthily. It was ridiculous that his friends said that he didn't have much time to live and that the 'diseases' was spreading fast. And yet, he could feel Bucky's heart beating against his chest.

He didn't look any different. Well, aside from being tired and having bags under his eyes, he didn't look different. Not to him anyway. Maybe he was so gone on Bucky that he didn't notice the slight differences? That could be it, but to Steve, he still looked beautiful.

He sighed again and Bucky turned his head and kissed his chin. A soft smile tugged on Steve's lips. The gesture was so small and tender that it made butterflies erupt in Steve's belly. He doesn't know when it happened, but they fell asleep like that. With Bucky's head at an awkward angle, breathe tickling Steve's chin, and Steve holding him close to his chest.

Few hours later, Steve woke up with a full bladder, so he eased his way off from under Bucky and tip toed to the bathroom. He released himself, washed his hands, and walked back out. On his way to the couch, he grabbed a bottle of water and chugged it all down in one go. He threw the empty bottle in the trash bin and walked back to the couch. He smiled at Bucky's sleeping form and knelt before it. Bucky's face was obscured by his hair, so Steve pushed it back from his face slowly. Bucky looked relaxed. His lips were pouting and it looked too adorable for Steve. His cheeks looked squished up because of the way he was lying down.

Steve caressed his cheek lovingly and stood up. He needed to get dinner ready for them. He walked to the kitchen, and decided to make some mac and cheese. He didn't feel like cooking anything grand for them. He was boiling the macaroni when he felt a hand sneak on his waist and pulled him flush against a solid body.

Steve smiled and let himself enjoy the lips that were kissing the back of his neck softly.

“Good sleep?” Steve asked. He felt Bucky nod against him and he chuckled. “Still sleepy?”

Bucky shook his head and pulled up closer to Steve. “I just want you.”

“Ooh, really?” asked Steve chuckling.

“Mhmm...” Bucky moved his hips forward and Steve could feel Bucky's hardened dick on his ass.

“Someone's excited.”

“Horny. The word I'd use is horny, Steve,” Bucky mumbled and kissed his neck some more. He pulled down Steve's shirt by his teeth and quickly started to kiss and suck on the exposed skin.

Steve shuddered at that and had to find purchase to lean against as to not fall on his knees. “Babe.”

“You're wearing too many clothes,” Bucky growled right into his ear, breath fanning over, making Steve shudder and let out a gasp.

“It's only a t-shirt,” Steve mumbled but he pushed himself back from the counter and grabbed the hem of his t-shirt. With one tug he let it fall to the ground and Bucky started to leave open mouthed kisses at the back of Steve's neck. He leaned his head forward to give more access to Bucky. Bucky was quick to attack the new expanded skin with his lips. His arm was tightening against his waist. Steve was trying his hardest not to get hard in his sweats, but Bucky's lips were distracting and with a groan he said.

“Ugh, fuck it,” he turned off the gas and the spaghetti stopped boiling. Pushed himself away and turned around to pull Bucky in for a kiss. He wrapped both of his arms around Bucky's shoulders and kissed him deeply. His tongue invaded into his mouth and started stroking with Bucky's. Their teeth clashed, their breaths mingled together and Steve was pulling him closer still. Bucky let out a small moan when Steve dragged his tongue at the roof of his mouth. His body arched up to Steve's and Steve let his hands fall down his body, down his back and onto his ass. He grabbed Bucky's ass and pulled him in closer to his hardening dick. Bucky let out a whimper and bit down on Steve's tongue.

It was like an invitation for Steve to do the action more than ones. It helped a lot that Bucky's ass awesome. Bucky then started to push Steve against the counter, still continuing to kiss him. Steve's hands squeezed his ass again before Bucky directed his kisses down his jaw, then neck, and then licked his way down Steve's body. He knelt before Steve and started to bring down his sweats. His dick sprang free, pre-cum oozing from the tip.

Bucky wrapped his lips around it and sucked on it. Steve screwed his eyes shut and let out a small moan. His hands grabbed onto Bucky's hair and tried not to thrust into Bucky's warm mouth so much. It was a hard task. Bucky's mouth was a beautiful sin wrapped around his dick and he would be lying if he didn't say that his legs felt like jellies right now. He let out a soft cry when Bucky removed his mouth from him and looked up at Steve. His cheeks looked flush, and his lips were glistening with saliva. His eyes looked a bit red. And he never looked so beautiful. He stood up, but his hand was still wrapped around Steve's dick. He peppered Steve's jawline with kisses and Steve closed his eyes with a groan.

“I swear I feel like the only thing we do these days is to find a flat surface or anything, and fuck on it.”

“I don't hear you complaining,” Bucky growled and pulled back to stare at him, with his eyebrow cocked.

“Definitely not. Come back here,” Steve grabbed the back of Bucky's neck and caught his lips in a searing kiss. Bucky's breath hitched at that, but soon he was kissing back Steve. His hand was jerking him relentlessly. It felt so good, but it wasn't enough. He needed Bucky. And he needed Bucky right now. “Fuck me,” he sounded so desperate. His voice hitching up when Bucky's hand tightened against his hardness.

“As you wish,” Bucky said and released him. His dick bounced from the force and Steve quickly grabbed it so he wouldn't cum now. Not yet.

Bucky quickly took off his sweats and fisted his hard dick. Steve reached out to touch and they both shuddered at the feeling. While he was moving his hand up and down Bucky's dick, he was removing his sweats as well. When they both stood there, gloriously naked, Bucky slapped Steve's hand away from his and said, “Turn.”

Steve was happy to oblige to the order. He turned around and grabbed the counter for support. Bucky stood behind him and kicked his legs apart. Steve did, leaning forward a bit more. And then Bucky was kneeling down behind him again, and his lips and tongue were prodding at Steve's hole. They had no patience to get to the bedroom to get lube, so Bucky had to prep him. And Steve had no arguments against that.

“Oh  _fuck_ ,” Steve let out a groan and leaned against his elbows to give more access to Bucky.

Bucky's tongue was swirling inside him and Steve could feel the gathered saliva was making its way down to his ball. He shuddered at the picture that Bucky made. All too soon his tongue was replaced by his fingers and Steve welcomed the invasion. It hurt a bit, but not too much. He loved it. Especially when it was coupled up with the pleasure of knowing who was giving him that pain.

Bucky stood up, but not before biting his ass cheek. Steve chuckled and moved his hips backwards. Bucky kept fingering him, scissoring him open as much as he could. Steve was a panting mess by the time Bucky kissed up his spine and to his neck. He was covered in sweat and Bucky's panting breath made him shudder violently. Bucky chuckled deeply in his chest, and bit down on his shoulder. His fingers were moving fast now, it was like Bucky was searching for something and...

“ _Aw fuck!_ ” Steve cried out as Bucky hit his prostate. Steve's legs started to shake and he had to keep himself up even more or he'd crumple down to the floor. His legs really felt like jellies by now.

“Good?” Bucky growled close to his ear, and Steve could only nod his head in agreement. “Ready for more?” asked Bucky, nipping at his earlobe and Steve shuddered and cried out something that probably sounded like a  _'yes please'_. Bucky chuckled and removed his fingers. Steve could feel himself closing down but he was loose and wet.

“So polite,” Bucky said as he positioned himself and rubbed himself on the hole. “Why are you being so polite to me?”

“Bucky, shut the fuck up and start fucking me or I sw- _holyfuckingshit._ ”

It hurt. That's what went through Steve's head. It hurt. But it felt so fucking good that Steve didn't care at all. His breath caught and his vision blurred, but he grabbed Bucky's ass with one hand and pulled him in closer.

“Good,” Bucky whispered, his hips moving in aborted little thrusts. “So good.”

He was being more vocal than usual and Steve loved it. He loved hearing Bucky talk during sex. He loved hearing Bucky moan and groan and just make so much noise that it drove Steve crazy. “More,” whimpered Steve desperately. He didn't even care how he sounded by this point. He just needed Bucky to fuck his brains out so he'd stop thinking about everything for a while. “Fuck me good, Buck.”

And Bucky did. He grabbed at Steve's shoulder and started to pound his ass as fast as he could. His fingers clenched painfully down on his shoulder, and it felt a bit dry for Steve, but he didn't care at all. He loved the feeling. He loved the pain. He just loved everything that was happening right now.

Bucky moved harder and faster into him. Steve scrambled up to keep him upward on the counter but Bucky kept pushing him down on the counter. Finally, Steve submitted to the pressure and laid himself down on top of it, shuddering as the cool marble connected with his heated and sweaty skin.

“You look fucking gorgeous, Stevie. Gorgeous.”

Bucky picked up his pace even more and pounded into Steve with renewed intensity and Steve welcomed it all in. Bucky was being rough with his thrusts; it was brutal and sharp. Steve needed to feel this. He needed to feel the pain and needed to forget.

All too soon, Steve felt the heat of his orgasm, licking his way down his spine and his balls and up the tip where he spilled out on the counter. Coming without touching himself felt different but it was a great difference. His butt-cheeks clenched down hard on Bucky and it stuttered Bucky's hips movements. “Do that again and I'll come.”

“I want you to,” Steve said and to emphasis his words, he clenched down again and Bucky's hand tightened even more on his shoulder. With a loud cry on his lips, he spilled himself into Steve. He slumped forward, his chest resting against Steve's sweaty back. They were both sweating by this point and none of them cared about it.

“Well... that happened,” Bucky said. He slowly eased himself out of Steve. He shuddered a bit from the feeling. “You alright?” Bucky asked, his voice laced with a bit of concern.

Steve straightened, gently, and turned to look at Bucky. He grabbed Bucky by his neck and pulled him close. Steve kissed him gently on the lips and pulled back. “Yes. Very much so. Gonna be a bit sore for the next couple of days, but it was worth it.”

Bucky scratched at his head and looked at him sheepishly. “Sorry. I kinda got carried away.”

“And I loved every second of it,” Steve said, kissing him again. “Honest.”

Bucky huffed out a breath and kissed Steve's cheek. He shook his head and said, “You never cease to amaze me, Steve.”

Steve just grinned at him and took Bucky's hand in his. “Let's get cleaned up and then I'll continue on dinner.”

“Do you think you can save that?” Bucky asked nodding his head at the now ruined spaghetti.

“Nope,” replied Steve, walking to the bathroom, while tugging Bucky after him. “I'll make something else instead. But for now...”

Steve turned the shower on and faced Bucky, a slight smirk on his face and heat burning under his skin to get Bucky under the spray of warm water and get more of Bucky. More of his kisses, more of his touches, just... more. He tugged at Bucky's hand and they both slipped under the water and instantly they wrapped their arms around each other and forgot everything around them. 

 

* * *

 

The first time Bucky puked was on a Saturday morning.

There was a snowstorm outside so they couldn't leave the house. So they decided to keep them busy with a game of chess. Bucky was totally losing to Steve, before he lifted his hand to his mouth, gagged and ran to the bathroom. Steve stood up and ran after him. He wasn't quick enough to get inside the bathroom because once Bucky was inside he slammed the door shut, leaving Steve standing there and staring at the closed, white door.

He could hear Bucky's retching and the way he heaved and sniffled. Each small sound made Steve's hands cold and heart beat a bit faster. It took about 10 minutes for Bucky to calm down and even more for it to get so quiet that Steve started to worry.

“Bucky?” No answer. Steve knocked on the door and said again, “Bucky?”

Still no answer. He knocked again, more forcefully than before. Trying not to let the panic get the best of him, he called out Bucky's name again. He got nothing in return. He grabbed the door knob and twisted, something clicked and Steve realized that he had not only crushed the knob, but he also broke it and it made Steve to go in a lot easier. Although, when he did come in, he stopped short. A stuttering breath left his lips and he rushed to where Bucky was laying down on the floor, on his side, shivering uncontrollably. But it didn't seem like he was conscious enough to acknowledge Steve.

Steve knelt beside him, grabbed his face and turned to look at him. His lids were fluttering and his breathing was shallow. He was cold to the touch, and he was started to turn pale.

“Babe? Bucky?” Steve said frantically, his hands going over and over Bucky's face but there was no answer. Steve didn't know what to do. No one told him about these side-effects. About what was going to happen to him. About how the meds that Bucky was taking these days was going to do this to him. He took steadying breaths and gathered his thoughts. He needed to get Bucky off the bathroom floor, change his clothes quickly and get him warm as fast as he could.

With that in mind, and seeing how pale Bucky was getting by the second, he slid his arms under Bucky's body and lifted him up effortlessly. Bucky was limp. Something clawed at Steve's inside and he took counted breaths to keep him in check and not completely lose it. Steve walked to the bedroom, placed Bucky on the bed, and rushed to the walk-in wardrobe. He grabbed clean clothes and underwear and rushed back in. He started to get Bucky out of his now wet clothes, dumped them down on the ground and got the clean clothes on him in record time. He lifted Bucky up again to get him under the blankets. Bucky whimpered.

Steve's breathe stuttered, “Bucky?” He made a sound and Steve would be damned if he didn't check to see if Bucky was conscious. But he wasn't. He just laid there, limp. Hair fanning over the pillow, his body shivering and Steve didn't know what to do. He needed to call Natasha.

He ran back out of the bedroom and to the front door where the desk stood which held the phone that Natasha left for emergency calls. This was an emergency call. With shaking hands he opened the drawer, took out the phone and called the only number on it. It rang once and Natasha answered. “We're on our way,” she said and ended the call. Steve didn't even need to say anything. She just knew.

He ran back to the bedroom and knelt down beside the bed. Bucky wasn't shivering anymore, but he still looked pale. Steve touched his forehead and his shoulders relaxed a bit. He wasn't that cold either. He snaked his hand under the blanket and grabbed Bucky's hand. He squeezed Bucky's fingers and pulled out their hands close to him. He closed his eyes and kissed the back of Bucky's hand. It was cold. And rough. Much more rough than it used to be to Steve's touch.

Steve was starting to fear for the worst.

He gripped Bucky's hand tighter in his hand. His hand was starting to get warmer, or maybe it was just Steve's wishful thinking.

He didn't know how long he was there and how long it had passed since he called Natasha, but then there was the whooshing sound of the jet coming from the outside. And few seconds later he heard the front door opening and footsteps followed after that.

There was a soft hand on his shoulder and he looked up. Natasha's face was close and she looked soft. There was concern shining in her eyes, but it was masked with a soft smile on her lips. “It's going to be alright. I brought Bruce with me,” she said and Bruce came in at that exact moment. He had a small suitcase with him and he placed it on the bed. He moved to the other side of the bed to get closer to Bucky, without asking Steve to move. He probably knew that Steve wouldn't move an inch from here.

“What happened?” asked Bruce as he pushed down the blankets off of Bucky. They were wet.

“He'll get cold like this,” Steve said, frowning down at Bucky's wet sweater.

“I'll get him new change of clothes, while you answer Bruce, Steve,” Natasha said and she moved to the walk-in closet.

Steve frowned and said, “He was fine. And we were playing chess. Suddenly he ran to the bathroom and vomited. I wasn't in there because he closed the door after him.” Natasha came back with clean clothes and placed them at the foot of the bed. Steve's frown deepened at them, and his eyes slid to the bathroom door. “I broke the door knob to get inside. He was on the floor, shaking and sweaty. He wasn't answering to my calls. He wasn't... he isn't... what's wrong with him?”

Bruce's face didn't give away his feelings as he examined Bucky. He took his blood pressure with one of Tony's monitor that worked wonders in no time. The numbers on display might've given him some answers because he nodded his head in agreement. Few minutes later he was all done and easing away from Bucky.

“His body is fighting off the medicines,” he said and put away some of his equipment.

“What can we do?” asked Steve, his hand tightening over Bucky's.

“Nothing, for now. He needs to come down from this high and then we'll see what we can do to prevent this from happening again.”

“Do you have anything with you to help him out now?”

Bruce frowned and rummaged through his suitcase for a bit. He produced a small pill and moved to Bucky's lips. Steve dropped Bucky's hand to lift his head up and pry his lips open for Bruce. Bruce dropped the small pill in his mouth and sat back on his heels.

“What does that do?” asked Steve, his hand unconsciously carding through Bucky's hair. Bruce smiled down at the gesture, but didn't comment on it.

“It'll get his temperature back up, steady his heartbeat and then, hopefully, wake up.”

“All in that one pill?”

Bruce shrugged and said, “Stark and I like to experiment.”

Steve nodded and looked back down at Bucky's face. His lips were chapped and he looked tired. His skin color was slowly getting back to normal. Bruce stood up from the bed and closed the lid on his suitcase. He sat down on the bed at the edge of the bed and waited for Bucky to come around. Just like Steve was. And Natasha.

“Maybe you should change his clothes, Steve,” said Natasha, her voice soft. Steve shook his head minutely, to clear his head off, and stood up from the floor. Natasha nodded in approval and took a small step back as Steve grabbed the pants. “Do you need help?” she asked.

Steve shook his head, “It's alright.”

“Steve?”

Steve dropped the pants he was holding and turned his head to look at Bucky. “Buck?”

“Hey...” his voice was hoarse and he closed eyes. He took a deep breath and released it slowly. Steve knelt down beside the bed, closer to Bucky's head.

“Hey, babe,” he whispered. His hand was shaking as he lifted it and placed it on top of Bucky's head. “How are you feeling?”

“Sore,” Bucky replied and grimaced. “Could use some water.”

“Yes, of course,” Steve turned to ask Natasha to bring some water but she was already leaving the bedroom. She was back quickly with a glass of water and a straw in it. Steve nodded in thanks and helped Bucky to sit up a bit to drink from it. Bucky frowned slightly and he breathed out sharply. Steve grimaced at that, but he didn't say anything. Bucky drank from the straw and pulled back with a small gasp. Steve helped him to lay back down and placed the glass on the desk beside the bed.

“What happened?” Bucky asked and raised his eyebrows as he saw Bruce and Natasha were there. “That bad, huh?”

“You weren't waking up,” Steve said, his hand fiddling with Bucky's hair. “I panicked.”

“Silly,” whispered Bucky. “I'm okay.”

“No, you weren't,” Steve said shaking his head. He looked into Bucky's eyes to make him know how serious he was being. “I... I couldn't bring you back. You were cold and unconscious. I panicked. That's why I called. It's too soon,” Steve whispered and leaned his head forward. He rested his forehead against Bucky's shoulder and sighed. “It's too soon.”

“Hey, I'm okay now,” Bucky whispered. “Steve...” But Steve only shook his head and didn't say anything. He felt Bucky sigh, and then asked in a normal voice, “What do you think happened to me?”

“Your body is rejecting the medicine,” Bruce replied. Bucky didn't direct his question to Steve then. “That's why you went through this.”

“Will it happen again?”

“I'm not sure it will, but I'll keep a close eye on you from now on.”

“Am I still going to take the meds?” asked Bucky softly, grabbing Steve's hand in a tight grip. Steve breathed out easily.

“I'd like you to,” replied Bruce. “It'll help you out a lot.”

“But my body's against it, right?”

“Yes.”

“Then why take it?”

“I'll change the dosage a bit and see which one will work out best for you. If you'd allow me to.”

Steve felt Bucky nod in agreement, and it was easier for Steve to breathe.

“Hey, Nat,” he then said and there was a slight cheerfulness in his voice.

“James,” she replied.

“ _James?_  Wow, okay... It's been a while since anyone called me that,” said Bucky. Steve pressed his forehead a bit harder on Bucky's shoulder, screwing his eyes shut, a pitiful sound leaving his throat. Bucky held his hand tighter. Natasha chuckled and they started to talk about something that Steve didn't even pay attention to. He simply continued clutching at Bucky's hand and stayed silent.

“Well, we better move to the living room and leave them alone for a bit,” Bruce whispered after a while. Steve felt the bed move slightly as he stood up from the bed. He heard their footsteps fading away as they made their way to the living room. He couldn't hear their voices anymore, so he let out a heavy sigh.

“Stevie?” asked Bucky, his voice soft. He pulled his hand away from Steve's and bent it over to place his hand over Steve's head. His fingers carded through Steve's shorter one and Steve relaxed a bit. “Will you look at me?” Steve shook his head. He didn't trust himself, because he didn't know what he'd do if he'd look at Bucky. “But I want to see you...” Bucky whispered, and he knew not to use that tone of voice. The one that was soft and breathy and downright adorable, because Steve would do anything for that voice. And just like that, Steve looked up and Bucky's hand fell off from his head.

Bucky looked more tired from this up close, but he still looked beautiful to Steve. His hair was greasy from sweat, and he was starting to smell a bit, but not too bad. “Do you wanna change? Let's change your clothes.” Steve quickly stood up and grabbed the clothes from the end of the bed. He pulled down the blankets off and helped Bucky to sit up.

He knelt before Bucky and started on his socks. Once they were off he started on Bucky's sweater. It was too hot to wear that inside, and he was thankful that Natasha got a Henley for him to wear. He helped Bucky get it on him. Then came off the pants and the underwear, and new ones replaced them.

“Shouldn't I take a shower? I feel like I smell terribly.”

Steve shook his head and said, “Not too terrible. You'll take a shower soon, but not now. Now you have to rest.”

“Are you going to look at me? Like, at all?” asked Bucky and it stopped Steve for a moment. And then he reached out to fold Bucky's dirty clothes. “Steve?” asked Bucky in a small voice. As if if he'd speak any louder it'd spook Steve.

Steve was acting like an idiot, really. He knew that he shouldn't even be like this, because every precious moment that he could be spending with Bucky is being ruined by his own foul mood. And it wasn't fair on Bucky. He did nothing wrong. It was their past lives that had everything to do with what they were going through right now. But he couldn't change the past now, could he? No... He should just get himself together and face Bucky and just be with him. Because Bucky needed him as much as he needed Bucky. They needed one another.

It was getting a bit harder to breath. And it was starting to get blurry. What was happening? Why couldn't he see? And there was a whooshing sound in his ears... What was happening?

“Steve,” Bucky's voice cut through the haziness and he looked up. Bucky's face was full of concern and he looked downright worried. “Steve, talk to me babe.” Bucky's hand clutched at the back of Steve's neck and he pulled Steve close. “Don't cry. Please talk to me. What's wrong? Steve...”

Oh... That's what was happening. He shuddered and clutched at Bucky. Somewhere between folding Bucky's clothes and now, he had started crying. And he couldn't stop crying. There was a heavy weight on his chest and it was unbearable and he couldn't breathe properly. He screwed his eyes shut to stop the tears, but it made him cry harder.

“I'm s-sorry,” he whispered. His voice cracked as he said it and he hiccupped. Bucky held him tighter to his chest.

“Why are you apologizing for? Oh God, doll, no,” Bucky kissed the top of his head and directed his kisses down to his forehead. He nudged at his head and pulled back to look at Steve. His face shattered at what he saw on Steve's face. “Oh baby... It's going to be okay.”

“I'm sorry,” Steve hiccupped, “I'm so sorry. I didn't m-mean to c-cry.”

“Don't apologize for that,” Bucky said frantically. “Don't apologize for anything.”

“I was so scared. Buck, I'm so scared.”

Bucky let out a small distressed sound and he caressed Steve's cheek with his thumb, while cupping his cheek delicately. He looked so worried that it made Steve feel like complete shit. He wasn't supposed to be falling apart like this. He had to stay strong for Bucky, but it was so hard. He couldn't do that. It broke his heart, seeing Bucky like this.

Bucky leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. He lingered a bit and Steve closed his eyes, enjoying the kiss. Memorizing the softness, and the pressure on his lips. How it made Steve's lips buzz with heat, how the tension in his body started to leave him bit by bit, how the knowledge that it was Bucky made Steve's heart sing... He wanted to have this for as long as he could. Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky's waist and pulled them closer to each other. He turned his head to the side slightly and deepened the kiss. Bucky's hand moved to the back of his neck and pressed gently, a silent plea for Steve to not move. Not that Steve was going to move...

Steve didn't know how long they'd been kissing for, probably 5 minutes, but it still wasn't enough. Although they did have to push back because there was someone clearing their throat from the archway. With a sigh, and a great reluctance, Steve pulled back and looked at whoever it was that interrupted them.

“As cozy as you two looked, we got work to do. And I, very much, would like to get on with it, because I need to get back to DC in 6 hours. You can mooch on each other later when we're all gone,” said Tony, looking bored and animated all at the same time.

How he managed to do that was beyond Steve but it wasn't something to dwell on for long, because if Tony was here, willingly, than he probably had some sort of a plan in his mind to help out Bucky. Even if the possibility of it was very slim, Steve was still being disgustingly optimistic.

“We'll be out shortly,” replied Steve, his voice sounding hoarse. Tony nodded and left the bedroom without another word.

Steve turned to look at Bucky only to find him already looking at him. He was frowning and he looked worried. His hand was tightening on Steve's neck and Steve welcomed the pressure. He leaned forward and brushed his lips against Bucky's. Bucky sighed as their lips met and his frown disappeared slightly. He started to kiss Steve back. They didn't deepen it, since they had to go and talk to the others, but it still left them wanting for more.

Bucky was first to break the kiss and he rested his forehead against Steve's and whispered, “Once they're gone, I'm gonna ride your dick. Slowly. Very slowly.”

Steve's breath left him in a stuttered exhale and he frantically said, “Oh God, please yes do it.”

Bucky smiled at him and kissed him again chastely. And then kissed his nose. Steve scrunched it up and Bucky chuckled at that. He then sighed and let his hand fall off from Steve's neck. Steve missed his hand instantly. “Let's go and get this over with,” Bucky sighed and nodded at the direction of the living room.

Steve nodded and stood up. He worked out his legs a bit since he'd been on his knees for awhile now. He then helped Bucky up. Bucky wobbled on his legs a bit and Steve pulled him up against his side and started walking.

“If you start feeling bad, let me know, so I can tell them to go, so you can rest, okay?” said Steve as they slowly made their way out of the bedroom. Bucky nodded in agreement.

They walked out of the bedroom and Steve stopped short, his lips opening up in surprise, and then into a grin. “What are you doing here?” He hitched Bucky closer to his side and they continued to make their way to the couch.

“I was by Stark's. He said he was coming here and I thought I'd tag along,” Clint said with a shrug, a small smirk on his lips. He was sitting on the couch with Natasha perched on the arm set. Tony was on the phone, speaking to someone that was getting the worst drilling in their lives. While Bruce was on an armchair with the tablet perched up on his legs.

“That's great,” said Steve, feeling happy seeing one of his friends here. They finally made their way to the couch and Steve helped Bucky to sit down.

“You okay?” asked Steve softly, getting a pillow behind his back. “Good?”

“Yeah,” said Bucky grabbing Steve's hand and kissing his knuckles. “Thanks, doll.”

Steve couldn't help the small smile that graced his lips. He shifted a bit and turned to look at his friends. They were all staring at them with equally matching goofy smiles on their faces. Steve rolled his eyes and turned to sit down on the floor, leaning his back against Bucky's legs. He felt Bucky's fingertips grazing the back of his neck; it made him relax instantly.

“What's the plan now?” asked Steve once they were all sitting down and comfortable.

“There is no plan. We'll just keep monitoring his health as much as we can, given the circumstances,” said Tony nodding at them both. “I'd like to take a look at his lungs and heart. And the brain activity to see what's the growth like by now.”

“You think it has grown?”

“Of course it has,” replied Tony with a slight eye roll. “You think it would stop growing?”

“How can we stop it?” asked Steve, trying not to let his growing unease get the best of him. Tony and Bruce shared a look at that and Steve caught it. They were hiding something. “Tell me.” He demanded a bit forcefully. Bucky started to rub at his neck slowly. He could breathe easily.

“The only option here, which is not an option at all, is a brain surgery.”

That stopped Steve from firing back an answer. But only for just a moment. How could a brain surgery not be an option?  _How?!_  If it meant that it would help Bucky at all, then they had to do it. Even if it meant that they had to fly back to US, then they had to at least try. Or even here. Here would be fine too. They could fly people in and they'd sterilize the place. Tony would bring everything that the doc would need to operate. He was sure that Tony would have everything handy and it wouldn't be too hard to bring any of them here. He was starting to feel a bit more like himself. There was still hope.

“Okay,” he said. “Let's do it.”

“What?”

“I'm telling you it's not an option.”

“Why not?”

“Steve...”

“No, but listen. It seems easy,” he said looking more animated by the second. “We can either fly or bring a doc in. We'll sterilize the basement and I'm positive that Tony probably has a built in surgery room in his tower-”

“-no, I don't-”

“-He can easily get it out and bring it here-”

“-No, I can't-”

“-Steve-”

“No. Look, it's as easy as it sounds-”

“Steve!” Bucky yelled and everyone stopped talking at once. Steve frowned and turned around to look at Bucky. His face was neutral but his eyes were angry.

“What?”

“Enough,” Bucky said shaking his head. He looked tired now. And somehow old...

“Bucky-”

“No. Enough already. I know what you're trying to do,” Bucky said, looking straight at Steve. “I know you're trying your hardest to keep me alive. But like Tony said,” at that Tony fidgeted. Bucky never called him by his first name before. And just like that Steve realized that Bucky was being serious. “It's not an option.”

“How can you say that?” Steve whispered, his throat closing in. “ _How can you say that?”_

“We both know what the best case scenario here is...”

“Don't say that.”

“But it's the truth, doll,” said Bucky. He lifted his hand and brushed the back of it against Steve's cheek. Steve closed his eyes and sighed. “We both know it's the truth.”

“I don't want you to give up so easily,” whispered Steve as he opened his eyes and stared at Bucky.

“I'm not. I'm just accepting my faith,” Bucky replied with a slight smile on his lips. He looked so beautiful like this. He looked tired, and defeated, but he looked beautiful. Steve would never forget how he looked at this moment.

Steve turned his head and looked at Tony. Not meeting his gaze, he asked, “If it was an option... Would he pull through?”

“No,” said Tony shortly.

And there it was. The blunt truth of their fucked up situation. Steve felt numb from head down. He leaned back against Bucky's legs and immediately Bucky's hand was on his head. There he was once again, feeling sorry for himself while the person who was suffering was counseling him through his pain.

This was unfair. This was  _so_  unfair.

None of them deserved this. None of them asked for this. For this life, for this future, for this to be the only option for Bucky. He wanted to turn back time, all the way back to their first meeting as kids. When it was simple and easy and pure. When they'd meet up at the park and play for hours. Go to school together and break up fights and help out the bullied. Sharing their first bottle of whiskey, hating it the minute they drank it, but continuing because they were old enough. They were 16 and 17 respectively by then.

Bucky was talking to the others, but Steve couldn't hear anything they were saying. He couldn't feel anything. He just sat there, on the floor, by Bucky's legs, staring at the far wall. He knew he was about to cry when he let out a loud gasp as soon as he felt Bucky's lips brushing against his forehead. Bucky cradled the back of his head and let his lips linger on his forehead. He turned and rested his head on Bucky's legs. Bucky rested his cheek on top of Steve's head and continued to pet him. Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky's legs as another sob wrecked his body.

There was no hope for his love.

“We are going to be just fine,” whispered Bucky. Steve cried harder. “Just wait and see. It's going to be just fine, baby...”

They both damn knew that it wasn't the truth, but who was Steve to tell him that? He just nodded and tried not to cry more.

He failed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... that happened? oops? let me know what you think! ^.^


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'm here, okay? I'm not going anywhere.” He pulled back and forced Bucky to look right into his eyes. “Yeah? I'm right here baby. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to help you, okay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting the chapters daily now. One more to go~  
> Tony's showing compassion here, which we don't see enough of on screen, but we know he's capable of it.  
> We get a flashback!
> 
> The Russian song that Bucky's listening to is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpJ_fYyAeYk
> 
> And the song they dance to is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNCt6hkCUic
> 
> (I don't know how to do those link thingies in here, so you're stuck with full links.)
> 
> Enjoy! :)

The first time Bucky wets the bed, he doesn't speak, or look at Steve straight in the eyes for 3 days straight. Steve told him that it was okay, as he changed the sheets. That ma' used to do it all the time when she was sick. That he was used to it by now, so it was okay. But nothing came out of Bucky as he got back into bed, and turned his back on Steve and scooted as far off at the edge of the bed as he possibly could.

Steve would talk. He'd talk none stop. Almost to the point of becoming annoyed by his own voice, but Bucky never said anything. He never even twitched, or made a sound. It was like he was there, but not really. It frustrated Steve greatly, but he didn't push.

Bucky got worse within the next few days. He wet the bed more and more. Almost every night by now. Steve would change the sheets. He didn't care. Bucky did.

One morning over breakfast, it was sunny side up eggs for them both, Steve glanced up at Bucky. He didn't eat much these days. He was toying around with one of the egg yolks, when he sighed and placed down his fork. He ran his hand through his hair and Steve followed the movement. His hands looked unhealthy. Raw around the edges, blistering around the nails. He looked even more tired than Steve had ever seen him be in his entire life.

He looked older. Somehow. It worried Steve.

Bucky didn't move fast these days. It would take him about 5 minutes to manage to get up from bed. Even more to get to the bathroom, release himself, shower or wash up, and then go to the living room to watch more TV.

The team would come and go regularly. Bucky would excuse himself from the lot. He didn't even talk to Natasha, even when she tried to talk to him, he wouldn't even acknowledge her. Bruce said that it was the side-effects of his sickness, but it still didn't stop Steve from worrying himself sick. Bruce had been sympathetic at that. He nodded in gratefulness.

Now he was standing by the kitchen counter, while the others were in a bickering match over on what they should watch. Clint was all about  _Lord of the Rings_ , while Natasha wanted to watch  _Die Hard_. Tony wanted to watch  _I, Robot_. Bruce was just sitting there on the floor, with the piles and piles of DVDs in his lap, looking confused.

“We've watched  _I, Robot_  so many times already Tony, that I can recite every word by heart right now.”

“But it's good.”

“You have such a shitty taste in movies, Tony,” said Clint drinking from his bottle of beer.

“And watching  _Lord of the Rings_  for the fifth time is, what? Exactly?”

“Man, don't compare those two with each other.”

“Look, just pick something, before I'll get angry.”

“No. Nope. You are  _not_ going to get angry. How long has it’s been anyways? 2 years?”

“What happens when he gets angry?”

Steve did  _not_  jump an inch or two from the ground as he heard Bucky's voice close to him. It was low, almost a mumble, but Steve caught every word. He checked out Bucky and then looked forward. Bucky's voice had gone deeper. His eyes looked tired. And he still looked beautiful.

“Uhm, you don't know?” asked Steve, trying not to fidget too much. Not to set Bucky off again.

Bucky looked confused; eyebrows drawn in, a thoughtful look on his face. “Do I need to know?”

“I guess?” replied Steve with a slight shrug. “Bruce is... well, have you ever heard about the Hulk?”

“That green big thing?”

“Yeah.”

“I have. That guy is crazy. Like, it's sad but at the same time it's...  _oh._ ” Bucky's lips formed an 'o' and stayed there. And then his eyes widened and for a moment, Steve saw the terror run through them, but then it was gone in a flash. “How?”

“His father was a mad scientist. An asshole one, because of what he did,” said Steve looking pensive now. 

“What-What did he do?” asked Bucky tentatively, moving closer to Steve's body. Steve didn't move an inch.

“Tried to replicate our serum to make his own son like us. He was a toddler when his father started. He'd been getting small doses of serum into Bruce.”

“Jesus Christ...” muttered Bucky.

“Talk about crazy,” said Steve with a slight shrug.

“So when he gets angry...?” Bucky left it at that.

Steve stared at him for a moment, and then nodded. “Yeah.”

“Shit,” and that was it.

They stood there by the counter and stared as the team kept on arguing about which movie to watch. They practically went through the whole piles on the shelves. In the end it was Natasha that picked up a disc by random, plugged it in and played it. Instantly, they were all shutting up and staring at the screen.

Steve shook his head at them with a soft smile on his lips. They looked like naughty kids, not getting what they wanted out of the evening, finally settling down for something. Reluctantly. It was  _The Breakfast Club_.

That was a nice choice from Natasha, and they all seemed to be content with it. Clint was brave enough to kick Bruce awake. Luckily for them Bruce didn't react much to that, just grunted and sat up straighter.

Suddenly, Steve was aware of how close Bucky was standing beside him. He swallowed and turned his head to look at him. Bucky was staring right back with a soft expression on his face. He leaned forward and brushed his lips against Steve's. Inhaling, Steve closed his eyes and let Bucky kiss him however way he wanted to. When Bucky pulled back, Steve licked his lips and breathed out deeply.

Bucky nuzzled him slightly, tilted his head to the side and kissed Steve's temple. Steve closed his eyes and enjoyed feeling Bucky's lips on his skin. It was a nice feeling. Something that he was going to miss terribly. With a sigh he pulled back and looked at Bucky. He had a small smile on his lips. Steve bit down on his lower lip, wanting to shorten the distance between them, but not doing so. Because he knew that if he would, then he wouldn't be able to stop. And they weren't alone.

The movie was halfway through by the time they joined the others in the living room area, and sat close to each other on the couch. Steve had seen it more than once before, but he wasn't sure about Bucky.

“Have you seen this one yet?”

Bucky shook his head and said, “I haven't. There wasn't enough time for a movie, you know? It looks interesting though.”

“It is interesting,” replied Natasha. “It's one of those classic movies that doesn't get old.”

“I can see why...” Bucky murmured. There was a slight frown on his face as the plot started to thicken and the kids started to have more heart to heart scenes.

Soon he relaxed back into the couch, and then he started to lean up against Steve's side. Steve, without thinking about it, slung his arm over Bucky's shoulder and pulled him back in as much as he could. He relaxed back on Steve's chest. Which made him ridiculously happy about it. After all, Bucky being so comfortable around Steve's friend, was a good sign.

Soon, the movie came to a close and in the end Judd Nelson threw his fist up, in celebration for getting the girl. It was probably one of his favorite scene from the movie. And everyone else’s, by the looks of it. Smiling, he turned his head to look at Bucky, but he was half dozing and half glaring at the TV. His smile slipped from his face and he placed his hand on Bucky's leg. “You alright?” he asked, his voice low.

Bucky blinked couple of times and mumbled, “Headache.”

“Oh, okay. Let me just-”

“I got it,” Bruce said as he got up and went down to the basement. Steve kissed the side of Bucky's head, before Bruce came back. Bucky sighed and relaxed some more on him. Few minutes later he got back up and there was a needle in his hand. “This is just a painkiller. It'll take care of it faster than a pill.”

Bucky nodded and held out his arm. Bruce positioned the needle on his arm and dug in swiftly. Bucky didn't even flinch. He just turned his head away from it and stared at Steve's chest until it was done. Steve leaned forward and kissed his forehead. “All done,” said Bruce as he stood up. Steve smiled in appreciation and Bruce nodded.

“So, what are we gonna do now?” asked Natasha, once the credits rolled up and the screen turned black. She got the CD out and placed it back in the case carefully.

“Just hang around for a bit more and then head out?” said Clint uncertainly, looking at the others for confirmation.

“You can stay as long as you want, guys,” said Steve, knowing that Clint wanted to leave them alone on their own.

“Yeah, but I still need to head back home. The kids will kill me if I miss out another Saturday pancake shenanigans.”

“How are they?” asked Steve, remembering the little kids running around the house at odd hours during the day and early in the mornings.

“He's got kids?” asked Bucky frowning at Steve and then at Clint. “How?”

Clint smirked and said, “Fury helped me keep them safe. That's why no one knew about my family before.”

“Huh...”

“Yeah,” replied Clint with a small smile. “But they're okay. They understand that daddy needs to work.”

“They know what your work is?” Bucky asked, his frown deepening. “Wait, how old are they?”

“They're still young to get it, so I'm keeping it a secret as long as I can,” Clint said with a shrug.

“How do you think they're going to react to it?”

Steve looked at Clint, wanting to see if he should tell Bucky to ease off on the questions, but it looked like Clint was enjoying this. So he kept his mouth shut and let them have their conversation. He turned his head and stared at Tony across from where he was sitting. Tony inclined his head to the side, a silent request to get out of earshot to have a conversation. Steve nodded and pushed Bucky a bit away from him to get up. Bucky didn't even stop his sentence to ask Steve where he was going. Steve was grateful for that.

He walked up to the windows that faced the backyard, hands in his pocket. It had started to snow once again. He idly wondered if it ever was going to not snow anymore, but then Tony showed up and they stood there in silence. He knew what Tony wanted to talk to him about, but at the same time he was fearing too.

“So...”

“How long?” he asked, his voice low and heavy. He didn't want them to beat around the bush, since he knew that Tony had all the answers to his questions.

“Couple of weeks, by the looks of it,” Tony said. His voice was uncharacteristically soft and... was that a hint of concern there as well? Steve didn't know, but knowing that Tony wasn't gloating about this, or being smug about it, eased Steve's conscious.

“A couple?” asked Steve. His heart was pounding erratically in his chest. He looked down at his socked feet and frowned, his jaw clenching.

“Yes.”

“Can't you make something?” asked Steve, feeling like he already asked this question before, but he needed to recheck just in case.

“We can try and keep him a little longer, but he'll suffer through it all,” he now sounded apologetic. “I don't believe you'd want him to suffer through this.”

Some music started to play it the background. Steve ignored it. He didn't want to listen to it, not when his heart was breaking to pieces. “No,” he replied. “I don't want him to suffer. At all.”

Tony stayed silent and watched the snowfall. It looked beautiful. Even though it was dark outside already, the sky looked cloudy and pink. The snow outside looked pale. Steve wouldn't mind if the time would stop right at this second. He wouldn't mind being stuck here for the rest of his life if it meant that he was going to have Bucky with him here. But he knew that was just a wishful thinking.

“He's going to change,” Tony said slowly.

“How?”

“The chip that was in his head, and the serum that ran through his body, made him stay at the same age as he was when this whole thing started. Just like you.”

Steve frowned and glanced at Tony sideways. “You mean to tell me that his appearance is going to change as well?”

Tony shrugged, “I don't know it for certain, but I'm pretty sure that you've noticed that he has changed. Quite a lot.”

Steve turned his head around and stared at Bucky. He was laughing at something that Natasha was saying, while Clint looked disgruntled, Bruce looked a bit embarrassed while there was a slight smile on his lips. His attention snapped back to Bucky and his heart missed a beat. He had changed. He looked tired, yes, more so than usual, but...he looked older, somehow. His hair was still the same, no whiteness to them, but his face. He still looked beautiful to Steve, but there was something else. He looked older. There were more wrinkles on his face than he used to have. He was slumping forward more than he usually did. But maybe he just held himself differently in front of Steve because he didn't want for Steve to worry about him. That fucking idiot.

He felt crushed. It was like a slap in the face. A reality check from Tony that he needed so much. His mouth was dry and he felt like his heart as going to stop beating altogether. He didn't know how that happened but then Tony was grabbing his arm and steadying him and Bucky was staring at him with concern on his face.

“We are okay, we’re okay!” Tony said, keeping a firm hand on Steve's arm. He turned his head and stared at Steve. “Breathe. You're having a panic attack so don't panic over that, but breathe. Come on.”

“He is... You...” Steve didn't know how to make sense from all of this. He turned away from them and placed his hands on the window, hanging his head between them. He felt tired. He felt like there wasn't enough air to breathe. His hands were shaking and he tried to take deep breathes. A hand landed on his shoulder and gave a squeeze. Steve turned his head to the side and saw that it was Tony who was comforting him. His face was a mask of concern. His eyes were full of worry and pity. Steve closed his eyes and breathed in and out as slowly as he could.

“It won't hurt him, if that's what you're worried about,” said Tony casually. Steve rolled his eyes and dropped his hands to look at him.

“Really? You think I'm worried about that?” Steve whispered back as to not get more attention to them, but he was positive that Bucky was still looking at their way more than once.

“Somewhat,” he replied with a shrug.

Steve was, but his concern wasn't that. It was the fact that he was going to be alone once again. It was the fact that he didn't want for Bucky to leave; he was just starting to live again, and he was going to leave in a heartbeat. It was the fact that...

“I love him,” he whispered and heard Tony's sharp intake of breath. “I love him and I hate seeing him like this. Not when I haven't had the guts to tell him yet. And you're the first person I tell this to.” He let out a dry chuckle, shaking his head, blinking couple of times. His eyes started to get blurry, but he didn't want to let go. Not yet.

“You need to tell him then,” said Tony. Steve shivered at that. Not wanting to imagine how Bucky would react to that. “Tell him how you feel, or you'll regret it for the rest of your existence.”

“You think so?” he couldn't hide the small amount of hope that laced his words.

“I know so,” said Tony and Steve understood him completely. Tony had lost the only person that gave two shits about him, and he never had the chance to actually let her know about his feelings.

“I'm sorry,” he replied, with a shake of his head. “I'm being selfish.”

“Not really. Since, you know, she isn't around and  _he_ is,” Tony said, inclining his head in Bucky's direction. “Don't let your fear stop you from letting out your real feelings. Barnes will appreciate it. I'm sure.”

“You're sure.”

“Positive, even.”

Steve shook his head and his lips tugged up at the corners. Tony turned away from him and clapped his hands as he walked to where the team was. “We should head out,” he said and the other nodded in agreement.

“You'll visit again?” blurted out Bucky, staring at Clint. Steve smiled softly at that. He knew that Bucky didn't want to look so desperate, but he couldn't help himself. Clint was the best one out of them. He wasn't brave enough to tell them all that he liked Clint a lot more than the others. He'd never hear the end of it.

“Of course. I still have to teach you all about archery some time.” The smile that Bucky gave Clint was a genuine one.

Once they were all out and flying off, Steve closed the door after them and walked back to the couch. “What are you listening to?”

“Just some Russian old song,” Bucky said with a shrug. “Somewhat an old one.”

Steve listened to it for a bit, nodding his head to the song. “It's nice.”

“She's a good artist.”

“What's it about?”

“Well, mainly love. And how she wants for her other half to not die, and she's asking what they want for her to do. It's a sad one, to be honest with you, but it's a catchy one.”

“Oh.”

That was all Steve could come up with. Bucky nodded and looked away from Steve. He didn't know what to say so he kept his mouth shut. It was better this way. The song came to a stop and they sat in silence for a bit. Steve's head was whirling with thoughts and before he could back off from one particular one he said.

“Hey, do you remember before all of these things, when we lived together? You... we used to go to dancing, right?”

“Right,” Bucky replied with a nod. He turned his head and stared at Steve. Waiting.”

“Remember when you tried to teach me how to dance?”

“Heavy emphasis on  _try_ ,” Bucky said with a small smile.

Steve elbowed him on the side, a smile of his own on his lips. Bucky chuckled at that. “Idiot. But yeah, do you remember?”

“Of course,” Bucky said softly, his smile was cute and Steve wanted to kiss him senseless at that moment. “I remember. It's one of my favorites.”

“It is?” asked Steve, his heart fluttering. Honestly, Steve felt like his heart wasn't going to survive this ride. Maybe it'd be for the best if it didn't survive. At all.

He shook away his depressing thoughts as Bucky chuckled and said, “Yeah. I remember it clearly.”

“Do you want to... to dance to it again?” asked Steve tentatively.

Bucky's blinding smile was the only encouragement he needed to get up and find the right CD from the shelf and get it in the stereo. He tuned the volume up a bit just as the beautiful notes of the music filled out.

Steve walked up to the couch and offered Bucky his hand. Bucky smiled a small smile and took Steve's hand. He stood up and they walked to the side a bit. There was a slight awkward moment for them to figure out on how they were going to do this. In the end, Bucky wrapped his arm around Steve's neck, and Steve wrapped his around Steve's. They moved to the sound of Bing Crosby's deep voice and Steve felt like he was back in time. Back in 1938...

* * *

 

_**1938:** _

“ _I'm gonna step on your shoes.”_

“ _I know you won't. I trust you. Besides, these are my best shoes. I know you wouldn't ruin them on purpose.”_

“ _Yeah, you are right. I wouldn't. Not on purpose. But still. I'm gonna step on them.”_

“ _I trust you.”_

 _Bucky thought that it was a brilliant idea to help Steve learn how to dance. So when they'd go out, Steve would know how to lead the girls. It wasn't like there were that many girls who wanted to get their hands on_ 'skinny Stevie'  _but there were things that were better left unsaid. Especially with Bucky. Who was optimistic about the fact that he was going to land Steve a date which wouldn't leave Steve hanging at the sidewalk._

_So now, here they were, standing in the middle of the living room, while the turntable oozed out some soft music for them to dance to. His hands were sweating and he was standing too close to Bucky. Bucky's hand was a firm presence at a respectable place on his lower back, and his other hand was holding Steve's hand aloft. He was going to teach Steve on how to lead, so he didn't complain about their roles in this dancing position._

“ _Ready?” asked Bucky, clutching at Steve once again._

_Steve didn't trust his voice so he just nodded and Bucky started to move. Steve, being Steve, starting to awkwardly shuffle with Bucky. While Bucky's moves were very calculated and in tune with the music, Steve's weren't. He was sweating. His hands were sweating and he was ready to wrench his hand out of Bucky's hand, when Bucky pulled him in closer to his chest. Steve's brain stopped working. Time seemed to standstill and he looked up at Bucky's gray eyes, a gasp leaving his parted lips. They were so close. He could feel Bucky's chest move against his as he breathed heavily. Steve swallowed hard and he stared right into Bucky's eyes. He didn't trust himself to look anywhere else._

“ _Stop thinking,” Bucky said, still holding him close. “Let the music wash over you. Let it consume your body and let your body take the lead. Not your brain. Dancing is another form of therapy to let go of all of your insecurities.”_

_Steve was too far gone in dreamland to even come up with a sarcastic retort so he just nodded and didn't even bother to pull back from Bucky's chest. He'd wait for Bucky to release him a bit. “And don't worry about stepping on my shoes. A lot of girls had already done it,” he added with a grin. Steve just rolled his eyes and ignored how his heart gave a little twinge at that._

_He did as he was told though. Let himself go, lost himself in the music and soon enough he was starting to get the hang of how dancing with another person felt like. They were so close though. So close..._

_If they were in a relationship they'd be kissing by now._

_The thought came and went so fast that Steve messed up a step and landed his foot hard on Bucky's. “Sorry, sorry,” he stressed and dropped his hand from Bucky's shoulder to push away._

_Only... “No, no! Stay. Don't... Not yet. We still have to go through the whole song,” Bucky rushed to say, his hand tightening on Steve. Steve swallowed hard and placed his hand back on Bucky's shoulder. “It's okay. I was bracing myself for you to do it sooner or later, so...”_

_Steve chuckled and squeezed Bucky's shoulder in retaliation. Bucky chuckled and mockingly whispered “ow”. Steve rolled his eyes and shook his head. It was almost the end of the song when he realized what the words were from the lyrics and what meaning they had. Steve blushed again as the last tune of the music faded into silence._

_They stood there, breathing softly. Steve staring at the hollow of Bucky's throat, while he felt Bucky's heavy gaze that was directed at him. He clenched his jaw tightly, to not look up at Bucky's eyes again. It was tempting. So so tempting. To just look up at his best friend's eyes and let him feel. To let him let go of these foreign feelings he had in his heart..._

_But he couldn't._

_With that in mind, he dropped his hands, placed them on Bucky's chest and pushed slightly. Bucky didn't fight this time. He just dropped his hand off of Steve's back and took a step back of his own. Steve instantly missed the warmth._

“ _Thank you,” his voice sounded weird even to his ears. He still didn't look up. He was staring right at Bucky's chest. “For showing me. I appreciate it. I-I'll use the moves next time we go out...”_

“ _Steve-”_

_But Steve turned around and walked inside to the bathroom, shutting the door tight after him. It was then that Steve realized that he might have more than friendly feelings for his best friend._

_He fucked up so bad._

* * *

 

“Was it really?” Bucky asked with a slight tilt of his head. They were moving slowly to the song. Their chests firmly against one another. And if Steve concentrated enough, he could feel Bucky's heartbeat against his chest. It was a soothing thump-thump feeling.

Steve nodded and said, “Yeah, I think so. Well, it grew more during the next few years, obviously, but I think it was then that I understood my feelings weren't in friendly terms.”

“And you kept it all in. Didn't even think about sharing with your best pal.”

“Yeah, well...” Steve said, feeling himself blush.

“I'm hurt.”

“Aw, c'mon. You know that I couldn't have those kinds of feelings towards men back then.”

“But it's me we're talking about here,” Bucky said looking right at him. Steve felt the familiar shiver run down his spine whenever he'd be this close to Bucky. He looked down at Bucky's lips and felt the pull within him, to lean down and claim Bucky's lips as his own.

“Yeah, well,” Steve whispered, still not looking away from Bucky's lips.

“You're an idiot,” Bucky whispered back, his breath fanning over Steve's lips.

Steve's eyes fluttered closed and he leaned forward, catching Bucky's lower lip in his own. They'd stopped moving, their hands tightening on each other. “I know,” Steve whispered, kissing Bucky again. “I know I was an idiot, but...” he trailed off, too busy tasting Bucky to keep up with his thoughts. It was pretty addicting. Having Bucky this close to him, he could never get used to it, but he loved every second of it.

Bucky pulled him closer by his neck and didn't let him talk. He deepened the kiss, arching his body up against Steve's, and Steve pulled him in closer, his arms tightening around his body. The music stopped playing, and it got eerily quiet, aside from the sounds that left their mouths. Bucky bit down on his lower lips, digging his fingers in, painfully.

“We literally can't get enough of each other, can we,” said Bucky breathlessly, moving his lips down Steve's neck to kiss him at the base of his throat.

Steve moaned out his reply and tilted his head back, to give Bucky more access. Bucky let out a sound of his own as he bit down on the new exposed skin. Steve shivered and he clutched at Bucky's shirt tightly. The strength so hard that if it was Bucky's flesh, Steve would leave bruises. Bucky's lips made their way to his earlobe and Steve let out an embarrassingly loud moan.

Bucky pulled back and let out a laugh. “Really?”

“What?” asked Steve, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment and arousal, “Shut up.”

“You're like a horny teenager,” Bucky said chuckling.

“Oh really?” Steve asked, a challenging tone to his voice. His hands running teasingly on Bucky's sides, tickling him. Bucky abruptly stopped laughing and his breath hitched.

“Don't,” he said, a clear warning in his voice, as he took couple of steps back. Steve dropped his hands down and tried to look as nonthreatening as he could.

“Don't, what?” Steve asked innocently. His heart was hammering in his chest. This teasing could go either way, and he didn't know which way it was going to go this time.

“J-just stay back and I'll apologize,” said Bucky, still taking steps back. Steve frowned and hesitated for a second, but then he took two steps forward. Bucky shook his head and looked down at the ground. “I'm sorry, I won't tease. Please don't hurt me.”

Steve froze in mid-step. His mouth hanging open and his eyes widening. “Bucky, I'm not going to hurt you.”

“Please don't hurt me.”

“Bucky?”

“Please...  _Пожалуйста (Please)._ Don't. I won't do it again,” Bucky screwed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth.

“Bucky? It's me. You don't have to... Bucky?”

But Bucky was shaking his head. His eyes closed and his breathing quick. He saw Bucky clench his hand into a fist, his chest heaving. Steve slowly made his way towards him. He raised his hands to place them on Bucky's shoulder, but hesitated at the last second. He didn't know what he had to do now. He didn't know what caused Bucky to get like this. It seemed like he was having a flashback. To something that Steve had no access to.

It was starting to drive Steve nuts. He didn't know what to do. So he stood there, and waited for Bucky to come back to his senses, somehow. He felt so helpless since this hasn't happened to Bucky in front of him before. Yes, he did have some memory lapses before, but this was something else.

It was like Bucky was reliving something and Steve was at a loss. He waited for Bucky's breathing to get back to normal, for him to acknowledge his presence, for him to indicate that he was still in the present. It was a scary thing to witness, and Steve would give anything to not see Bucky go through this again. But then it seemed to get worse. Bucky clutched at his head and a strangled cry left his lips. He dropped down onto his knees and grabbed a fistful of hair and pulled at it.

“Let me go. Let me go.  _Отпусти меня! Let me go_ ,” he kept whispering to himself, rocking back and forth. Steve dropped down to his knees in front of Bucky, his hands hovering over Bucky. Not knowing if it was a good idea to touch him yet, or not. So he stayed there, looking helplessly at Bucky's shaking form. He kept muttering the same thing as before.

“Let me help you,” said Steve softly. “Bucky? Let me help you, babe. Tell me what to do. Please... It's me, Buck. Steve. I'm here. I'm real. Let me help you...” his voice choked on his words, but he pulled through. He kept repeating himself until Bucky stopped shaking and his hand loosened on his hair. His breathing slowly got back to normal. He lifted his head up slowly, his hair obscuring his face from Steve's view. But he could see his eyes; it didn't look like Bucky's warm eyes. They were lifeless, dull, and full of pain and suffer that Steve had no idea of. It shattered Steve's heart into tiny pieces.

“Help me...” Bucky whispered, and Steve breathed out a sigh of relief.

He pushed himself close to Bucky and brushed his hair back and off from Bucky's face. This close, he looked wrecked. He was crying through his pain, and it looked worse when his emotions were so raw and open, and yet not. Bucky looked like as if he hadn't realized that he had been crying. It was unpleasant to witness and Steve's heart broke once again at Bucky's pitiful expression. He cupped Bucky's face with his hands, kissed his forehead and whispered, “I'm here, okay? I'm not going anywhere.” He pulled back and forced Bucky to look right into his eyes. “Yeah? I'm right here baby. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to help you, okay?”

Something flickered in Bucky's eyes, but it got clouded over by self-loathing from Bucky. After a moment of silence and what seemed like a tough decision for Bucky, he nodded once, and relief poured down all over Steve's body at that once again. He pushed himself closer to Bucky's body, placed several kisses on his head, and hugged him to his chest as tight as he could.

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

 

It was at the early hours of the morning when Steve was able to bring Bucky back to his senses. It took them hours to do so, but by the time he was fully functional, it was already getting light outside. Bucky looked exhausted, as he leaned up against Steve, when they made their way to the bathroom. Bucky needed to take a good long shower. He had sweated through his clothes and he needed to shower.

Ones inside the bathroom, Steve held him up against the wall with one hand, and reached into the shower stall and got the water going with the other. Bucky couldn't keep his eyes open. Steve straightened and pushed his pelvic up against Bucky, his chin resting on Bucky's head. He dipped down his head and kissed the hair. He grabbed the hem of Bucky's shirt and pulled it off of him in one swift movement. Bucky shuddered a bit at the temperature when his back hit the cold wall. “Sorry,” whispered Steve. But Bucky managed to give him a small smile and a head shake. Steve kissed the corner of his lips and worked on his sweats.

“You know, if I wasn't this exhausted, I would've enjoyed this so much more,” Bucky mumbled just as Steve brought down his sweats to reveal his flaccid dick. Steve helped him to get his legs out of his sweats, but didn't comment on Bucky's joke. He didn't care that Bucky wasn't hard. He wasn't stupid enough to think otherwise. Bucky had been emotionally hurt and not in a good place for the most part of yesterday and this morning. Steve wasn't expecting anything from him other than, being functional and being able to talk back to Steve. Hell they could not have sex for the next couple of weeks, and Steve wouldn't complain. They'd so much sex already that it didn't bother Steve at all. And besides, this wasn't only about sex. It was companion ship and being in a relationship with the person he loved...

He swallowed hard at that, his heart thudding painfully in his rib cage. He breathed out softly, trying not to draw Bucky's attention to him, but it was a lost cause, since they were standing so close to each other.

“I'm okay,” Bucky whispered, thinking that Steve's sigh was connected with him being unwell. He wasn't wrong, but it wasn't it. And Steve wasn't ready to admit Bucky about his feelings.

So he just nodded, start to undress as fast as he could, and said, “Of course, babe. I'm taking care of you, aren't I?”

Bucky chuckled and rolled his eyes, “Well, aren't you a cocky one.”

“Takes one to know one,” Steve retorted cheekily and then he got them both under the spray.

They did a quick job of washing up. Well, Steve mostly held Bucky up while he soaped his body and did his hair with the shampoo and hair conditioner, both combined in one that they found in the market when they'd went into town's market. In the end Bucky smelled nice and was clean, so that's all that mattered.

They got out of the shower, dried themselves up, and got into clean clothes. As Bucky went to bed, Steve left for the kitchen and threw them some sandwiches to eat before sleep. They were both hungry and exhausted.

Sandwiches in a tray and two bottles of water, he went back to the bedroom, shutting the lights down before doing so. He went to the bedroom and found Bucky under covers and halfway to his side of the bed. Steve smiled at that. He loved the idea of having his and his sides of a bed. Bucky looked up at him and perked up immediately as he saw what Steve was carrying.

“Fooooooood!” he said and wriggled his hands in a  _'gimme gimme'_ motion.

Steve chuckled and walked to the bed. Bucky sat up in bed, wiggled back a bit until his back was to the headboard, and took the tray from Steve. He placed it on his lap as Steve got in bed. Steve placed the bottles between them and Bucky gave him a sandwich.

They munched on them in silence, for most of the part.

“So,” said Bucky, his voice muffled since he was chewing. “What should I know about the other team members?”

Steve grabbed his bottle of water and sipped. He placed it back down and grabbed another sandwich. “Who?”

Bucky chewed on his food and seemed to be thinking about it for a moment. Then he shrugged and said, “Is there anyone that I haven't met yet?”

“Oh, uh...” Steve thought about it a bit and then said, “Well, you know Wanda, right?”

“Yeah. She seemed cool. Too bad she can't come around...”

“Yeah, I know. But uhm, she is a twin.”

“She is?” asked Bucky with a quirked eyebrow. “That's so cool. Does her twin have powers? Where are they?”

“He  _did_ have powers,” Steve said slowly, emphatically, and it took Bucky a few seconds to understand what Steve made.

“Oh.”

“Yeah... His name was Pietro and he was cute,” Steve said with a sad smile. Bucky stopped eating to stare at him. “Clint kinda adopted them on the spot. Well, he took Wanda under his wing after Pietro, but he died an honorable death. So I think as a thank you, he adopted Wanda as his oldest daughter. Or something along those lines. I don't know what their relationship dynamic is. ”

“That's nice of Clint,” Bucky said, fiddling with this food. “I like him. He's a good guy.”

“He is,” said Steve with a smile.

“It looks like he's the most sane one out of you lot.”

“Oh really?” Steve asked with his eyebrows raised in mock-outrage. “Why?”

“Because he doesn't need to have unnecessary superpowers to be able to kick your butt.”

“'Unnecessary'? C'mon man.”

“What? It's true though. Do you remember us when we were normal and had a normal life?”

Steve shuddered at that. He had been remembering them from their past all this time and he never told Bucky about them. He didn't feel like he should let Bucky know about it. It was stupid, after all. He didn't need to bother Bucky with it.

Bucky seemed eager, though. And Steve didn't know if it bothered him or not, but then Bucky had that blindingly beautiful smile on his face that Steve wanted nothing more than to lean in and kiss it. He knew that he could do it, but he also knew that if he did that, they would end up having sex again. So he just memorized Bucky's face; how his lips stretched out on his teeth, how his lips still stayed full, and his smile seemed to be infectious to everyone around him. His eyes crinkled on the sides and his eyes seemed to shine. Steve's heart thudded hard inside his rib cage and it took everything in him to not break down and cry.

So instead, he nodded and answered Bucky's question. “Yeah, Buck. I remember us.”

“We were carefree. We were full of life... Most importantly we were  _us_.”

And the way he said it, made Steve's inside tighten. He glanced up at Bucky and then down at his hands. He fiddled with the last piece of bread, and then shoved it inside his mouth. He chewed on it and kept his eyes down. He could feel Bucky's eyes still on him. But he didn't have the heart to tell him to quit it.

Bucky shifted a bit and then his arm wound around Steve's neck and pulled him in close. Steve ducked his head down and he placed it on Bucky's shoulder. Bucky turned his head and kissed his forehead.

“We were simple,” Bucky whispered, and Steve closed his eyes. Trying not to let memories get the best of him. “We were so simple, and yet, it felt special for us. That's what I love about us. We can be anywhere in this world, and we can make it our own.” He kissed Steve's forehead and whispered, “We can make it about  _us_.”

Steve closed his eyes and sighed. He knew Bucky was right, but at the same time, his words didn't feel warm to his heart. It almost felt like it was some sort of a goodbye and a thank you note that Steve had no heart to appreciate at the moment. So he took the empty tray off of Bucky's lap, twisted a bit and placed it on the night table. The bottles followed suit. He then tugged at Bucky's shirt and Bucky let him boss around a bit. Steve just needed Bucky to lay down, so Steve could cuddle him through the night. They laid there in silence, until...

“Doll, remember what we said on one of your birthdays?” Bucky asked, running his hand through Steve's hair. Steve thought for a bit, and deflated. He took a steadying breath and then gave a tiny, jerky nod, his hand tightening over Bucky's torso. “You're gonna have to let me go... and soon.”

Steve didn't answer, because he knew that he wasn't ready to let Bucky go. No matter what they promised each other when they were still young and innocent.

  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it? I want to hear your thoughts! (even if you're incapable of functioning like a human being.)


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't leave me...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you won't kill me after this ._.  
> Thank you all SO much for reading and keeping an open mind on how I wrote the things that happened in the story.  
> I loved each and every one of your comments.  
> Hope to have you around for the next Stucky that I'm working on :)  
> Now, enjoy it for the last time~

**1932:**

_They were going to be late if they didn't hurry up, Steve was sure of it. He walked around the corner and spotted the outside stairwell to the rooftop. He was the first one to arrive there, so he leaned up against the wall, with his hands deep in his pockets. His mom knew he wasn't going to be home early. It was a bit hard to persuade her to let him leave the house at this time of the evening. But then Bucky showed up and Bucky had this charming smile on his face that would stop world domination._ _And his mom was sold._

_Now, he was leaning against the wall of the building, anxiously waiting for Bucky to show up. If he wouldn't show up in the next 10 minutes, they were going to miss it. Suddenly, he heard the small and fast footsteps down the alley and he moved forward and spotted Bucky fast walking his way. A smile broke over his face as Bucky got closer. Bucky's smile matched his as he stopped in front of him._

“ _Took you long enough.”_

“ _Sorry. Mom was making ham and cheese sandwiches for us. And soda too,” Bucky said, holding up the bag in between them._

_Steve's smile grew bigger. “Ready?”_

“ _Come on.”_

_They both started up the stairs and onto the building's rooftop. It was the best place at this hour to be. They sat at their usual spot and placed the bag of food between them. They each grabbed a sandwich and started to eat them._

“ _Did Mrs. Rogers let you go easily after I went back home?” Bucky said swallowing his food and drinking from his bottle of soda._

“ _Yeah. She just said to be careful and not get caught.”_

“ _As she usually does tell us.”_

“ _Yes,” replied Steve with a grin. He drank from his own bottle and stared at the building and small houses surrounding them. “It's gonna start soon.”_

“ _Are you excited?”_

“ _I am.”_

“ _I'm so happy I could find this place. It's the best place with the best view,” Bucky said enthusiastically. Before Steve could reply it started._

 _Steve looked up at the sky and grinned. It was the 4_ _th_ _of July and the fireworks just started. And since it also happened to be Steve's birthday, Bucky wanted to give him this as his birthday gift. And it probably was the best gift Steve has ever received on his birthday. Bucky was right. This place had the best view of all the fireworks that was happening around the town._   _He couldn't concentrate on one. He had to twist his neck this and that way to caught up with everything. Bucky was silently laughing beside him, with a grin firmly on his face._

“ _You like it?”_

“ _I love it!” said Steve with an awe. “Thank you!” He looked back down at Bucky and grinned at him. Suddenly a thought struck to him and he twisted around to look at his friend. “Hey, Buck?”_

_Bucky turned around and sat opposite Steve in the same position. “Yeah, Stevie?”_

“ _Promise me we'll do this every year.”_

“ _I promise you we will.”_

_They stared up at the night sky that was exploding with colors. It looked so pretty. After few minutes, the fireworks stopped and Steve's heart was beating a bit faster in his rib cage. Bucky was about to get up, but Steve grabbed his wrist to stop him. Bucky stared at his hand and then up at his friend's face with a quirked eyebrow. And it was such an adult thing to do, that it gave Steve the confidence he didn't have to ask him his next request._

“ _Hey Buck?”_

“ _Yeah?”_

“ _Can you also promise me something else?” Steve asked, releasing Bucky's wrist and fiddling with his fingers for a bit. He felt nervous._

“ _Of course. What is it?”_

“ _Can you promise that you'll take care of me when something bad happens to me?” Steve said, looking down at his old and worn out shoes. “I mean, I'm not getting any better. And ma has to try and take care of me and work at the same time. And I don't want to be a burden to anyone else, but since you're my best buddy, I thought I'd ask you. If not, that's okay as well. I won't hold it against you or somethin'. It's okay if y-”_

“ _Yes.”_

“ _Huh?”_

“ _I promise to take care of you. Only if you do the same thing for me.”_

“ _Of course,” Steve agreed wholeheartedly, without giving it a second thought. Bucky smiled at him big, and Steve returned the smile._

_They didn't mention this night at all, as the years went by, and the boys got bigger. Got into fights that neither of them wanted to start in the first place. But that's what their lives were about; looking after one another until they wouldn't be able to no more._

_They would never think that their promise would mean so much more to them, as the years past._

* * *

 

The only soothing sound in the basement was the constant beeping sound of the heart monitor. It wasn't cold in here, in fact, it was really warm, but Steve felt cold. The hand that he was gripping in both of his hands was cold. The only indicator that he was still alive was the heart monitor. And the occasional stirring while he dreamed.

Bucky had gotten considerably worse as the week passed by when they last danced together. One morning he woke up feeling alright, and then the next, he was sweating through the sheets and wasn't responding to Steve. He had called Tony back, desperately begging him to come back to them and help Bucky out. He got there in an hour, which seemed suspicious for Steve, but then Natasha showed up and explained that they were in another safe house that was an hour away from here. They just needed to stay close if something like this would happen.

So here they were now, 4 days later after the incident, and Bucky wouldn't wake up long enough to even have something to eat. It worried Steve a lot. He needed Bucky to wake up so they would at least talk for one last time. That's all he wanted.

“Hey,” a voice sounded behind him and he jumped slightly. He turned around in his seat and saw that it was Tony. He nodded at him and turned back to staring at Bucky's face. He looked so tired. And older than he looked a few weeks ago. Now that he was sleeping and Steve could just sit there stare at his face for hours without making it look weird, he noticed that Bucky looked old.

“Why does he look older?” asked Steve. His voice sounded hollow even to his own ear. He tightened his hold on Bucky's hand.

“It's the serum. It stopped...working.”

“What do you mean?”

“Let's go for a walk,” said Tony, tilting his head to the stairs. Steve frowned up at him and shook his head.

“I can't.”

“Natasha will look after him.”

“What if he wakes up?”

“Then I'll call the moment he does, Steve,” said Natasha softly, walking to them. “I'll alert Tony if anything happens. Promise.”

Steve directed his frown at Natasha, and then looked down at Bucky. It wouldn't hurt him to stretch his legs for a bit. It wasn't like Bucky was going to wake up anytime soon. And even if he would, Natasha would be here. He trusted her enough to be comfortably around. He bit down on his lower lip and then nodded. He heard their sighs of relief from here but ignored them, as he lifted Bucky's hand to his lips and firmly kissed his skin. He carefully placed it back down, and stood up from his chair. His legs felt like jellies, but he pushed through them. Knowing him, it wouldn't last long.

Tony stepped back as Steve stood up, and fell into step with him as they walked out of basement. Clint was sitting on the couch, riffling through some papers and sipping on a mug of coffee. He looked up when they walked to the front doors. “Going somewhere?”

“Just taking a walk,” said Tony with a look at Steve's way. “You can come with.”

“Sure,” said Clint as he placed the papers on the table and got up. He fast walked to the kitchen and placed his mug there, and joined them at the door. He grabbed his jacket from the rail by the door and put it on. Steve did the same and they took off. It wasn't that cold anymore, but it was chilly due to the snow outside.

It was a sunny day as well. Steve placed his hands inside the pockets of his jacket and they started down the road.

Their feet crunched on the snow as they silently made their way through it. Finally, Steve cleared his throat, and not lifting his head up to look at Clint, he asked, “How's the family, Clint?”

“They're doing great. Kids miss me, but then know that I have to work, so they're being as understanding as they can in their age.”

“But you aren't really working...” Steve trailed off with a small frown on his face.

“They don't really need to know that. My friend needs me, so I'm here.”

“Your family needs you more.”

“Really, Steve?” Clint rolled his eyes, looking grumpy as ever. Really, Steve didn't know when Clint got hurt by what he'd say. He always looked grumpy. The only time Clint ever relaxed was when they were around his family.

“I just don't want to cause any problems.”

“You don't. So shut up and enjoy my company while it lasts.”

Steve huffed and shook his head. They walked in silence some more and then he took a deep, steadying breath and turned his head slightly in Tony's direction. “What did you mean when you said the serum isn't working?”

“When we got out his chip from his arm, it was, apparently, the main resource of Barnes' serum.”

“You think that he wasn't injected by it, like I was?”

“We believe so,” replied Tony with a slight shrug. “We don't think Zola was able to recreate the right serum, so he made his own one and to make it easier for him to control, he planted it in the chip in his arm, which then he connected it with the one in his brain.”

“How do you know this?”

“I don't. I'm just assuming this.”

“You, or Banner?” asked Steve, as he stopped walking. He looked up at Tony, and then back down at his feet. He was feeling much calmer now, but at the same time there was the antsy need to get back to the house. He just wanted to spend as much time with Bucky, as he could.

“Both,” said Tony and frowned. There was a beeping sound coming from him, so he placed his hand inside inside his jacket pocket and took out a small device. It looked like a mobile phone, but it wasn't. It looked more like something that was made by Tony himself. “It's Nat-”

Steve didn't even wait for him to finish his sentence before he was running back to the house. He crashed through the front door and skidded on the floor, and took two stairs at the time to get back down to the basement. He wasn't even puffing when he got to the bed where Bucky was still laying on. His eyes were fluttering and Natasha had a tablet in her hands, where she was tapping something in.

“What happened?”

“Nothing. His fever spiked up again and I was asking Tony what to do,” she said boringly. “As you would know if you didn't run back here like a madman.”

“You said that you'd write when-”

“-something happened to him. Yes, I know what I said. But it didn't only mean when he'd wake up.”

Steve leaned his hands on the bed and hang his head forward. All of a sudden, he felt tired. Physically and emotionally drained. He just wanted this to be over with. By that, he meant that he wanted Bucky to wake up and get better and get their lives back on track. He knew it was wishful thinking, but still.

“I'm sorry,” he sighed and sat back on the chair close to the bed.

“Don't apologize. I would've done the same thing.”

Steve only nodded and looked up at Bucky's face. He looked so peaceful like this. At least he wasn't in pain.

Few hours passed by and there was no change in Bucky's state. He still slept, they still fed him through the tubes, and he still had IV's and a heart monitor connected to him. Steve sat by him, and held his hand in his. It wasn't as cold as it had been few hours ago, but it still wasn't warm enough. It was weird. His upper body was cold, while his legs were warm. Some days it was the other way around. Right now, Steve had a thick blanket covering up his chest and arms, and a light sheet covering his legs.

His friends would hover by most of the time. They'd talk to him, well, more at him, wanting to get some sort of a reaction from him, but he wouldn't talk or look at any of them. They eventually gave up and walked up to the living room, where Steve could hear them talking among each other and there was a faint sound of TV playing something.

He ran his hand through Bucky's hair and sighed softly. “I'd give anything to see your eyes...” he whispered softly, his hand lingering over Bucky's head. He moved his hand down a bit and sighed in relief when he felt that Bucky's head was at a normal temperature. He looked down at their hands and sighed again.

“All you gotta do is call out my name.”

He whipped his head up so fast, his neck cracked. But he ignored it and stood up to hover over Bucky's form. “Buck?”

“About time, doll.”

“Oh fuck, Bucky!”

Bucky's eyes fluttered open and he managed a small smile. Steve's heart broke and he couldn't help the relieved sob that left his lips. “You're awake!” he wailed and leaned forward, resting his forehead against Bucky's and cupping his cheek with his hand.

“Of course, I am,” whispered Bucky. He had a bad breath, but Steve didn't care as he leaned forward and carefully brushed their lips together. He pulled back and stared down at Bucky. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Steve's voice broke and he shook his head. “Are you okay?”

“Just sore. And thirsty.”

“Yeah, of course,” Steve stood up and grabbed the plastic cup with the straw in it. There was cold water in it and he brought it up close to Bucky's lips to drink. When he was done, Steve placed it back on the table and sat down on the chair and scooted closer to the bed. Bucky turned his head a bit and smiled at Steve.

“You look like you haven't slept for days.”

Steve blushed slightly and looked down at Bucky's shoulder. “I...”

Bucky sighed and said, “Really?”

“You can't blame me. I was worried. I am worried.”

“I know, babe, but still.”

“Bucky, please don't,” Steve begged and ran a hand over his face.

“I don't want you tired,” said Bucky softly.

“I'm not.”

“Steve,” his hand tightened on Steve's hand, and he squeezed back.

“Bucky, come on. You just woke up from days of being comatose and you're fretting over me.”

“Isn't that my job?”

“Right now, no it's not. Let me take care of you and fret over you.”

Bucky sighed and shook his head. He closed his eyes and took couple of breaths. “You look buff.”

“This is how I've been for awhile, Buck,” replied Steve with a raised eyebrow.

Bucky nodded thoughtfully at him and then, looked around him, and asked, “So, where am I?”

That stopped Steve for a moment and he frowned up at Bucky. “Uhm... in the basement? It was the best place to have all this equipment hooked up to you.”

“Uh-huh, I see. Why am I here?”

“Bucky... what year is this?” he asked hesitantly.

Bucky frowned at him, and then directed his frown at the ceiling. After awhile, he opened his mouth to say something, and then snapped it shut, his frown deepening. He tried again, but stopped. “Uhm... I'm not sure.”

Steve's pushed the red button quickly to alert the others to come down to the basement. First one to arrive was Tony, and Natasha, Sam, and Clint, followed him in quickly. Tony walked to the bed and did a double take as he saw that Bucky was awake.

“Oh, great, you're finally awake.”

“Tony-”

“Howard?”

Silence. Steve slowly eased back from Bucky. Not wanting to draw attention to him, he still had Bucky's hand in his. Although it kind of felt wrong doing so. He swallowed hard and said, “Bucky, that's not Howard.”

“What are you talking about? He looks exactly like Howard. Same voice, same face... Although, that shirt doesn't...” he trailed off and he frowned at Tony. His eyes were rapidly widening, his lips dropping down into an 'o', his heart monitor was starting to beep a bit faster. “You are not Howard.”

“That's correct,” it seemed like Tony was forcing out the words out of his mouth. “I'm Tony. Howard's son.”

“What the fuck...” Bucky whispered still staring at Tony as if he had grown two heads. “Steve?”

“It's 2016, Buck.”

“It's... It's what?” Bucky's heart rate was definitely going rapidly up. His hand was starting to sweat, and he looked like he was struggling to breathe. “I don't remember.”

“Babe-”

“Why are you calling me  _babe_? As far as I know, Steve, we never went past friendship.”

Steve winced at that, but it didn't stop his desperation to get the best of him. “Ba-Bucky, we've been together for almost half a year now.”

“We  _what_?” Bucky's eyes widened even more and he looked horrified at the thought. Steve's heart stopped beating and he bit down on his lower lip hard enough to draw blood. “That can't be true. We are not... I've never...  _how?!”_

“Steve,” it was Natasha, and she was pulling at his shoulder to get up.

“How can you not remember?” Steve demanded desperately. “How can you not?”

“I don't... You don't know... I...” Bucky shook his head and he actually looked like he was going to have a panic attack.

“Sam. A little help,” Natasha said, but there was a slight ringing in his ears as he felt stronger hands grabbing at his other arm, and then he was being gently pushed away from the bed and up the stairs. The last thing he saw was Bucky looking down at his other hand and his mouth dropping down in a surprised exclamation as Tony spoke to him with a neutral expression, and Clint rushing to the bed to hold him down.

He was pushed back on the couch and he barely even registered Natasha sitting in front of him and coaxing him to look at him. Sam came into his view, but he didn't have it in him to talk to any of them. He'd been waiting so long for Bucky to wake up, but he hadn't prepared him for this kind of reaction. Bruce and Tony had told him that he was going to have a memory loss but he didn't realize it was going to be this way.

Steve closed his eyes and leaned forward, cupping his face with his hands. There were feminine hands on his shoulder, but he didn't have it in him to look up at Natasha.

Slowly, the ringing in his ears subsided, as he breathed through in and out of his nose, trying to gather his thoughts back up. Natasha was softly talking to him, but he couldn't make out the words yet. He shook his head slightly, dropped down his hands and stared down at the floor.

“Steve?”

“How could this happen?”

“I... Don't know.”

“How is this even my life?”

No one answered him.

It was probably an hour later when Tony came up from the basement. He looked tired, but at the same time he looked alert. Steve perked up when Tony sat down beside him on the couch and tapped away on his tablet. He wasn't looking at Steve, so he knew that there was no good news.

“What is it?” He asked tentatively, trying to keep himself in check. No point in getting worked up over anything.

“I did a light brain scan. I'm waiting for Bruce to come by for a full body scan,” Tony said, still tapping away on the tablet. “I know I should wait for the doc to show up, but at the same time, as much as I can read this, it's no good.”

Steve knew that it wasn't good news, but it still didn't stop him from feeling the sadness overpower his senses. He swallowed hard and said, in a small voice, “It's already affecting his memories.”

Tony nodded and stopped typing on his tablet. Sam sighed and shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest. Natasha laid a hand over his knee and squeezed. Steve wanted to squirm away from the touch, but it was somehow grounding, so he let her do it.

“Yes, that's correct.”

“How come he remembers some parts of it?”

“It's affecting half of it. I don't think it's going to grow more, but we'll keep a close eye on it.”

“What about his eye sight?”

“It seemed to be okay.”

“Do you think he'll lose it too?”

“If it'll grow.”

They were silent for only couple of seconds before Steve had the courage to ask Tony the same question again, “How long?”

“Going over the numbers here, I don't think it's too many days...”

Steve nodded and cleared his throat. There was something thick stuck in his throat that was bothering him. He closed his eyes and took couple of steadying breaths. He needed to get a grip. Not only for himself, but for Bucky as well.

“Hey,” said Tony softly, which was a side that Steve wouldn't see much of. He opened his eyes and looked at Tony. “He's going to be okay, yeah? I gave him some sedatives, so he'll fall asleep soon. Clint is keeping him company until then.”

“You should sleep as well,” said Natasha softly.

Steve shook his head and said, “I can't.”

“Of course you can.”

“Come on, man,” said Sam as he walked up to him, and held out his hand. “Up you get.”

Steve looked at Sam's offered hand and he grabbed it. He let himself being pulled up and then trudged his way back to the bedroom. He was almost inside, when he turned around and stared at Natasha. “If anything hap-”

“-Happens, I'll come to get you. I know, Steve,” she replied with an eye roll. “Now, go to sleep.”

Steve nodded and walked to the bedroom. Without bothering with his clothes, he just dropped down on the bed, face down, and was out in a second.

 

* * *

 

 

Steve wasn't sure how long he was asleep, but when he woke up it was morning, and the sun was just coming up. He was snuggling up against Bucky's pillow, breathing in his scent that was still there as he looked out the window. The sun was making the snow glow prettily, and it was one of those days where Steve would want to go out. But he didn't have energy in him to go out. He didn't want to go out. He clutched at the pillow tightly and sighed shakily.

Another day has come and Steve didn't know what the day had in store. Maybe it would be a good one, for once. Maybe he'd be able to talk to Bucky, without him having a memory laps. Maybe he'd be able to just be with Bucky for a change...

He sighed, turning on his back he blinked up at the ceiling, feeling tired. He frowned slightly and slowly turned his head to the side. Snuggled up to his pillow, was Sam. He was fast asleep, and he was drooling from his mouth. Steve was definitely going to give his pillow to Sam to take back home with.

Shaking his head he sat up in bed with a groan, and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He breathed out softly and stood up. His body was achy on places, but it wasn't bad. He stretched out with a sigh, and then walked to the bathroom to take care of his morning rituals.

When he got back out, Sam was still sleeping, and he was starting to snore. He left him be and walked out to the living room. There wasn't anyone around, so he walked to the kitchen and started the coffee machine. He yawned widely and rubbed at his eyes. Maybe it was by some sort of a miracle but the coffee was ready in record time. He poured himself a mug and added 5 teaspoon of sugar. He drank it slowly and walked to the stairs of the basement. He hesitated on the first step. Hesitated a lot, but then he heard the distant sound of beeping coming from there so he made his way down the stairs.

He didn't know what he was expecting but Bucky sleeping on his side, wasn't one of them. It was a nice change, really, since he was always laying down on his back. He was curled up on his side, with his pillow tightly clutched in his hands, IV lines carefully draped around him. Steve walked to the bed and sat by it on the chair. He drank from his coffee and stared at Bucky's face.

He looked tired. Even in his sleep, he didn't look like he was relaxed. There were lines on his face that Steve hadn't noticed before, but now was noticing them. It was weird. Seeing Bucky this way. It was as if he was getting older by the minute.

Which wasn't far from the truth. Since Tony did warn him about that. It was just unusual to see him like this. He lifted his hand and softly caressed Bucky's cheek. As his hand touched the skin, Bucky sighed and tilted his head into Steve's touch. His eyes slowly fluttered open and it took a moment for his eyes to clear up. Steve touched the bottom of his lips for a moment and then let his hand fall on his lap, just as Bucky's eyes focused on him. It took him a moment and in those moments, Steve's heart managed to shatter, beat faster, and shatter into million pieces, and then pick back up again, all in one moment. He was surprised that he didn't have a heart attack at that moment.

Bucky was staring right at him, and there was no recognition in his gaze. He looked tired, and confused, and somehow, he looked small in his eyes. Bucky never looked small in his eyes. Bucky bit down on his lower lip and then frowned. His eyes slipped away from Steve's, as he started to assess Steve's face, and then down to his chest, and then up again. He stared into Steve's eyes and then his eyes cleared again, as recognition took place instead of confusion.

“S-Steve?”

“Yes, Bucky,” breathed out Steve. “It's me.”

“Hey...” He rasped out and a small smile took place on his features.

“Hey,” said Steve. He placed his mug on the table close by and scooted his chair closer to the bed. “Which Bucky am I talking to?”

“Present, I think.”

Steve sighed in relief and leaned forward, kissing Bucky's forehead. “I've missed you.”

“Silly doll,” whispered Bucky. Steve laughed softly and shook his head.

“You got me worried.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't apologize,” Steve shook his head and kissed the tip of Bucky's nose. “Never apologize.”

“Okay...” Bucky said and clutched at his pillow again. Steve moved his head a bit down and rested at the hollow of Bucky's neck. “I probably smell like shit.”

“Not really,” said Steve, his voice muffled. “More like a trash bag that's been sitting there for several days.”

Bucky huffed out a laugh and whispered, “Idiot.”

“Hey, you asked!”

He felt Bucky shake his head and Steve smiled softly. They stayed like that for a bit and then Bucky hummed. “Do you know what I want?”

“Hmm?” hummed Steve. When Bucky didn't continue, Steve pulled away and stared at Bucky's face. He smiled down at him. He couldn't help himself, Bucky looked adorable. “What is it, babe?”

“Well, it's a request, really,” he said. “You kissed me everywhere that you could think of-”

“-well, not everywhere...” mumbled Steve. Bucky narrowed his eyes at him, and Steve shut his mouth with a click.

“As I was saying, you kissed me everywhere, but one place that I really wanted you to kiss, you haven't.”

Steve waggled his eyebrows at him and Bucky half groaned, half laughed at him. Steve burst out laughing, “Sorry, sorry. I won't do it again.”

“You sure?”

“No.”

“Obviously not,” mumbled Bucky and stared at Steve. Steve waited, and waited, and waited... Bucky sighed out in frustration and said, “I want you to kiss me on the lips, you idiot.”

“Oh is that where you wanted me to kiss you? Took you awful long enough to ask that.”

“Shut the fuck up and kiss me, you ass. What the fu-”

Bucky's rant was cut up short as Steve swooped down and kissed him full on the lips. His words turned into a soft gasp and lips turned pliant underneath Steve's lips. The kiss in itself was soft, just lips brushing up against one another, but Steve felt hot underneath the collar of his sweatshirt. His palms felt clammy as he lifted them and placed them on Bucky, just as Bucky's hand cradled his cheek and pulled him closer to him. They kissed for a bit more like that and eventually, they pulled back. Steve rested his forehead against Bucky's and opened his eyes. Bucky had his eyes closed, and his breathing was even, the beeping sound of his heartbeat still on the same rhythm.

Steve closed his eyes and urged down the need to lean forward again and kiss Bucky. His lips were drugs to him. He couldn't imagine living his life without feeling them against his. It was something that he didn't want to think about until it was actually time to think of it.

“Hey,” Bucky's voice brought him to the present and he opened his eyes to look down at Bucky. He moved back and tried to smile, but he was sure it looked more like a grimace. “When did I lose you? What's wrong? Talk to me.”

“Nothing's wrong. I just got to thinking a bit, and got lost. Sorry.”

“Don't apologize, doll,” said Bucky, his hand still on his cheek, tightening a bit. “Tell me what you were thinking about.”

Steve shook his head and tried to speak, but couldn't seem to open his mouth. He tried again, and actually managed to open his mouth, but there was no sound coming out of them. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to talk about. He just didn't know...

“Hey, it's okay,” Bucky said and pulled him close by his cheek. Steve went willingly and he closed his eyes. Bucky moved his hand from his cheek to his neck, and then down to his shoulder. Even though they weren't in a comfortable position, and it felt awkward, Bucky's hug was still the warmest hug Steve had received these days. “I know it's going to be tough, but I know that you can pull through it.”

Steve made a broken sound at the back of his throat and he tried to pull away, but Bucky tightened his hold on him so he stopped trying to get away. He rested his head at the nook of Bucky's neck and tried to breathe in and out carefully.

After several minutes of Bucky petting Steve into calmness, he pulled away and sat back in his chair. His hand grabbed Bucky's hand and he left small kisses on Bucky's knuckle. Bucky had this soft and small smile on his face that Steve tried to remember as much as he could. He didn't know when would be the next time he'd get to enjoy that smile.

* * *

 

 

Steve was sitting outside, on the patio. It was a sunny day once again, but the snow wasn't melting. He was staring off into the distance, right at the path where they'd go off to for the meadow by the small lake. He wondered if the bunny was still there. They hadn't thought of it for a while now...

The door of the house was slightly ajar, and he could hear the movements around the house by the people. Everyone came in today. It was a bit crowded, but it wasn't unusual for them. Sam, Natasha and Clint were sitting in the living room. The TV was on, but they weren't paying much attention to it. They were talking to each other in whispered voices, but Steve couldn't make out the words. They were probably talking about them.

Tony and Bruce were in the basement, preparing everything for the final act...

It was time for it. Steve didn't know how he was feeling at this moment. But numbness was one of the main things that he was gladly keeping close to his heart. It was better than to let himself feel anything. After all, he needed to stay strong for them both.

It was starting to get cold, and he didn't have any jackets on. Why would he need one? He wasn't feeling too cold, but he wasn't feeling warm either. His heart was in a steady rhythm in his chest, his fingers weren't turning blue, his teeth weren't shattering against one another from the cold, so he was okay. He felt okay. All things considered.

He was just waiting for them to call him down.

He had never been this patient in his life.

The murmurs stopped inside the house, but he didn't turn around. He felt a presence behind his back, and he still didn't turn around. There was an empty chair close to his which was soon occupied by Tony. He sat down with a sigh, the sleeves of his shirt were rolled up and he didn't have his tie, or jacket on. He was going to catch a cold.

“It's alright. I'm not that cold, anyway,” Tony replied. And Steve realized that he said it out loud unintentionally, so he just nodded his reply. He looked back at Tony and waited for him to speak. Tony was staring down at his clasped hands between his legs. “Have you spoken to him?”

Steve shook his head.

“So he doesn't know?”

Another shake.

“Do you want to talk to him?”

Steve looked back at Tony for a moment and then turned his head away. He sighed and nodded his head, once.

“Would you like to now?”

Steve hesitated, and then nodded again.

“Let's go then,” Tony was about to stand up but Steve shook his head. He sat back down and waited patiently for Steve to come up with words.

It was a struggle. It wasn't a struggle before to ask the same question, but now... now it felt like he was ripping his throat apart with a razor. It felt like he threw his heart into a blender and it hurt. It hurt so much to come up with words at this very moment.

“He still has few hours,” Tony answered the unasked question. Steve swallowed with a click and he stared off into the distance. He didn't know what to say to that.

“I think it's best if you go down those stairs and talk to him for a bit. Or just be with him, and not even talk. At all. I think it'd make things easier for both of you. You won't feel so guilty after it. But you will feel guilty if you won't go down there right now and be with him.”

Steve knew that Tony was right. Of course he was right, who was he kidding? He just... he didn't want to see Bucky like that, but he was also sure that if he didn't see him like this now, he wouldn't forgive himself for his cowardice. And yes, he felt like a coward at this moment. He needed to get up and go to Bucky. It was just so hard to get up from here and go and watch as the love of his life was going to die. It was hard for him. And once again, he was being selfish.

“He's been asking for you.”

That did it. Steve stood up and, without waiting for Tony to catch up with him, he walked back inside the house. He ignored the others as he walked toward the basement's stairs. He slowly made his way down and stopped as he turned to look at where Bucky was laying down.

Bruce was standing close by his bed. He had the tablet in his hands and he was tapping away at it. Bucky had his eyes close, and his breathing was slow. His heart beat was slower than what Steve had been used to hearing for the last couple of days, but it was still there.

Slowly, he walked to the bed. Maybe his steps were louder than he thought they'd be, or maybe Bucky sensed his presence, but before he reached to the bed, Bucky opened his eyes and turned his head slightly. Their eyes met and Steve's heart broke.

Bucky's eyes were warm. They weren't confused, although there was a slight hesitation to them. But they were  _his_  Bucky's eyes.  _His_ Bucky was staring at him.  _His_ Bucky looked young, but at the same time; not. He looked sleepy, and tired...

But then he smiled and Steve could breathe again.

“Hey gorgeous,” whispered Bucky and Steve huffed out a laugh.

“Really?” asked Steve, his voice wavering a bit. He cleared his throat as he made his way closer to the bed. He sat on the chair there and scooted closer to the bed. Bucky smiled at him. This close, Steve could see the darkness more clearly under his eyes, the whiteness in his eyes, and the lines on his face were a bit more prominent. He still looked beautiful to Steve.

“Yes,” he replied with a smile on his lips. The lips that Steve wasn't going to kiss anymore. The lips that weren't going to smile at Steve soon. The lips that would right Steve anytime he felt lost...

“Well, I might say, you don't look bad yourself,” Steve replied as cheerfully as he could manage. His voice was still wavering, and he was sure the smile that he managed to conjure on his face looked more like a grimace, but he knew that Bucky knew that he was trying here.

“Hah, classy Rogers.”

“Which is what?”

“Which is trying to cheer everyone up when things look bleak.”

“I don't think you look anywhere near bleak,” he replied confidently. “I think you look beautiful.”

Bucky was about to answer, but then he started to cough. It was raw. It felt raw. It shook Bucky's whole frame. Steve stood up and hovered over him, not knowing what to do. “Bruce?” he asked just as Bruce started to tap away on his tablet once again. Soon Bucky's coughing fit stopped and he relaxed back down on his bed. Bucky had his eyes close and Steve looked up at Bruce; who stared right back at him, apologetic and serious. Steve swallowed hard and nodded at Bruce.

On a whim, Steve kicked off his shoes and turned to Bruce once again. “Help me out here?”

Bruce placed his tablet at the foot of the bed, and then asked, “What do you want me to do?”

“Just pull him up so I can get behind his back?”

“Sure. Of course.”

So they did just that. Bruce carefully pulled Bucky up into a sitting position just as Steve climbed into bed and behind Bucky's back. He pushed his legs open and pulled Bucky up and close to his chest. Bruce quickly adjusted the wires around Bucky and stood back. “You good?” he asked.

Steve nodded and said, “Yeah. Thank you.”

“I'll be over there,” Bruce said as he picked his tablet back up and walked a few feet away from the bed and sat down on the chair there.

Bucky hummed softly in his arms and he tightened his hold on his body. Bucky turned his head around and rested sideways at the nook of his neck. “You alright?” he asked softly.

Bucky nodded and whispered, “You smell good.”

Steve chuckled and said, “I smell like the outside.”

“Still good,” he mumbled. Steve's reply was to tighten his hold on him.

Several minutes passed by and Bucky's heartbeat slowed down again. Steve looked down at his face to find his lips slightly parted, but his eyes were closed. He looked up at Bruce only to find him already staring right at him. He had a slight frown on his face that didn't settle well with Steve. Bruce sighed and averted his gaze. Steve swallowed hard and looked down at Bucky's face.

He knew. He just knew.

Bucky's eyes fluttered open and Steve's throat tightened. His eyes were lighter now and they were unfocused. “St-Steve?” he whispered. His voice shaky and full of fear.

“I'm here, babe. I'm right here.”

“Tell me a story,” he requested. And Steve couldn't look away from his face as he told the first story that popped into his head.

“R-Remember when w-we went to Cony Island,” he said and Bucky smiled a small smile, his eyes still searching, unfocused. Steve plowed one, “Not the time when I used our money on a hot dog, no.” Bucky huffed out at that. “And not the time when you had a date with Riley Rhodes. No... It was... The-the time when we went there when it was just us,” Steve was choking on his words now, Bucky's eyes were starting to slow down. “Just us,” he whispered, his eyes blurring a bit. He blinked couple of times to clean them out. He needed to see Bucky's face. “And we had the best time ever. I remember when I... when you would try to tough it out. Most of the attractions there. And-and you'd reach out for me because you were scared, but you-you wanted to look tough for the girls that wouldn't even look our way. You were so brave at those moments, Bucky... baby, you  _are_  so brave.”

His voice broke as he moved his hand up to Bucky's heart. He placed his hand firmly there to feel the weak beat of his heart. He could hear the beeping sound, but it didn't matter. What mattered was that he could feel the beat under his palm. That mattered. Right at this second that's all that mattered.

“Are you in pain?” Steve whispered, dipping his head down and pressing his lips to Bucky's forehead. His head felt warm, too warm, but his body was icy cold. “Are you cold?”

“I'm the warmest I've ever been,” whispered Bucky. “I've never been this warm before, Stevie, doll...”

“Oh, Bucky...” Steve said brokenly, his lips brushing against Bucky's forehead. His heartbeat was weakening...

“Don't cry, sweetheart. I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm in your arms...” Bucky whispered softly.

Steve pulled him closer to his chest and looked down at Bucky's face. His lips were parted, small puffs of air leaving them slowly. His eyes were staring off into the distance, and his heart... his heart wasn't beating anymore. The machine that was hooked up to him was weeping the steady sound of death.

His heart wasn't beating anymore.

“I love you,” whispered Steve shakily. “I love you so much. I love you. Don't leave me, please... Don't leave me...”

But there was no answer. Nothing was going to bring Bucky back. There was nothing left...

Steve cradled Bucky's body to his chest and closed his eyes, as a sob left his throat and shook his body apart.

Bucky was gone.

 

* * *

 

 

The ceremony was a small one. It was snowing softly on the ground. It wasn't cold, even if it was, Steve didn't feel any different.

They flew back to Brooklyn, for Bucky's funeral. Tony was the one that arranged it. Steve didn't ask.

Steve buried Bucky close to where his mother was buried too. It felt surreal, being back here. It was one of the many places he never thought he'd ever come back to, but here he was. Burying his best friend, his other half, his soulmate, his heart...

His friends had left about 30 minutes ago, but he was still standing there, looking down at the newly covered ground of where Bucky's casket was. There were flower arrangements on the soil, and they looked pretty. Bucky would love them. Bucky would find anything pretty. That was one of the many things that made Bucky  _'Bucky'._ He was just different from them all.

Natasha was the only one that stayed behind, and she was standing close to him and he felt her hand on his arm, squeezing it in comfort. He didn't feel comforted by the touch. He didn't feel anything. There was a hollow feeling deep inside him that he was sure was that it was never going to be filled with anything. They stood there for a bit longer, and then Steve turned away from the grave and slowly made his way back to the car.

“Steve?” Steve turned his head slightly, to acknowledge his name being called called out by Natasha. “Where are you going?”

Steve shrugged and put his hands inside his pockets. He was wearing a suit. Bucky would've appreciated it.

“They all headed back to Tony's building. You can come by if you want.”

“You mean I have a choice?” he asked. His voice had an edge to it, but he couldn't help it. That's all he did these days; snap at people and try not to rip anyone's heads off. They kept their distance, and yet, not too much.

“Of course. You always have a choice, Steve.”

“Not in this case.”

“Especially in this case.”

“Are you sure?”

“Steve...”

Steve sighed and shook his head. He rubbed a hand over his eyes and said, “Just take me wherever you guys are.”

Natasha didn't say anything in reply, so they made their way to the car and Steve sat in the passenger seat, while Natasha drove them back into the hustle and bustle of the city.

Steve wasn't okay, and he wasn't going to be okay for a long time, but... he knew that all he needed right now was to be with the people that were as supportive as they could be. In their own way. And that was enough.

For now.

  
  


 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO sorry :'(  
> I still need to hear about your feels...

**Author's Note:**

> I'll try to update every other 2-3 days (depending on your reviews).
> 
> Reviews are always welcome, obviously! Like even if you won't like it, tell me about it (but not too much because I break easy so shh :P)


End file.
